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Tuesday, 7-14-09

Jul 14, 2009 - 0 comments














I feel very well today; I'm calm and happy. Went to the gym today for the 1st time in a week because I feel so well. I put in a lot of effort, and even did an extra round on the circut. It's incredible how working out improves my mood and evergy. Now I know what people are taking about when they mention a 'runner's high'. And the effects last all day.

I set out on the road a few days ago to relax and clear my head, and wound up 50 miles south at my Aunt's house. Hadn't seen her in a long while and we had a great visit. I'm glad I went. Family is so important to me, and it bothers me that my Mom and I aren't talking. I said some true-but-hard-to-hear things to her the last time we spoke, and we told each other to "have a nice life". The whole problem started 31 years ago when she abandoned me and my Dad in favor of drinking, drugs, and sex with strangers. I never spoke to her, never received letters or gifts, never met her until I was 21 years old. Never met my 1/2 brothers (2 of them) until then, either.  I grew up with just my Dad, and we never really had a good relationship until I was almost 30. He was a mean alcoholic, and since I was the only in the house with him, I bore the brunt of his emotional abuse. So anyway, I told my Mom she has been nothing to me but one big disapointment after another, and I feel like I was a disposable kid. I secretly call my 1/2 brothers "The Replacements". I resent them, but I know it's not their fault our Mom treated me so badly. (and still does). I told my aunt how it feels to be abandoned over and over, and she told me, 'Sometimes we need to choose an 'Other Mother', which makes sense, and happily, I can CHOOSE my "Other Mother". I have a few prospects. LOL

So, my Dad moved down here to florida with me and my husband and our son last Thanksgiving, and we get along really well; we do things, go places, have conversations together; I've been really happy to have this time with him. Especially since he had a stroke and found out the carotid arteries deep in his brain are 100/25% blocked, respectively, and inoperable. We don't have much time left to share, and I just found out he plans to move to PA with our neighbor, Dianne. He went up there with her last week, just to help her drive. The plan was to fly back down after he helped her find a place to rent. But now he tells me he's going to fly down here to FL, get rid of all his things, pick-up his dog and fly back up to PA and live there. It makes me sad to know I might never see him again, but I also want him to be happy in the few years he might have left (he hasn't had such a happy life, either). He's so young. only 54, and the Dr.s don't give him much time. It saddens me that now he and I have the good relationship we both always wanted, and now he's moving 1,200 miles away. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

Enough dwelling inside my head. I have to get out of it for a while, so I'm gonna sign off for now.

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