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Jul 17, 2009 - 11 comments

Who are you?  Why have you stalked me since as long as I can remember?  Hanging above my head…some dark cloud of self hatred.  Always whispering negativity in my ear.   Even on the sunniest of days in my life you are there. ALWAYS there… “Do I look ok?, Do I look too fat”   DO I LOOK TOO FAT…Why YES you disgusting ugly fat cow you not only DO look fat you ARE fat!…actually morbidly disgustingly OBESE!  Did you actually think you wouldn’t? Ha…a joke…these are words I have spoken to myself or thought every single day of my life since I was aware of my physical self.  EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY…every school picture, birthdays, graduation, my Wedding Day, every picture taken at each of my children’s births, holidays, vacations…always about me and my god damn FAT!  Who the hell am I to think others even take a second thought about me and how I look…I’m not that damn special to take up their time…
I am trying to figure this out logically.  First of all I believe I am truly genuinely a good person.  I love deeply and am very loyal to those in my life.  .  I don’t consider myself self absorbed…but maybe I am?   Sickening isn’t it?  I would do anything I could for those I love and care for…-So hey…what about me…would I do ANYTHING for ME?  Apparently not and I want to figure out why.  I am pissed…I mean I am beyond angry that this DISGUSTING Demon  in life WILL NOT GO THE HELL AWAY!!!!!  It wants to ruin what’s left of my life.  I am so tired, so so so so very tired of it ALWAYS being about ME…ME ME ME…I know everyone else it too…who in their right mind wouldn’t be.  Here she goes again…”Am I too fat for this outfit?”  SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!  Dear God just SHUT THE F*@K UP!!!!  So here is the million dollar question…why don’t I do something about it?  Hmmmmm….sounds easy enough right? That’s the logical answer…people do it every single day all over the entire world. It sure would make my life livable once again…I know all about portion control, Weight Watchers, no sugars, white foods, drink at least 8-10 glasses of water a day, and daily exercise…so BAM…there ya go….soooooo ok now what?  This effing DEMON from within will NOT allow me to succeed. WHY???????  I want it out now…because  if this is not resolved soon. YOU WILL DIER…YOU WILL DIE…YOU WILL DIE!  GET IT MICHELLE??  DO YOU GET IT???  That’s not enough?  You are so selfish that you’d leave all of those that love you  behind, because you are that lazy and selfish?  I hang my head in utter shame as I type…this is my rock bottom…it’s time to sink or swim…now Michelle…did deep…dig deep into your soul and fight this demon with every ounce of strength you have…I can’t believe I am going to say this  Michelle…BUT…YOU DESREVE THiS…Look in into your eyes…YOU DESREVE THIS…FIGHT…LOVE YOURSEL…PLEASE JUST LOVE  YOURSELF!  It won’t be easy BUT FIGHT!!!!!

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Avatar universal
by boldsojah4christ, Jul 17, 2009
We will love you as well!! You are beautiful in Gods eyes!! That demon can go back 2 HELL WHERE IT CAME FROM!!! You deserve the best & God will give you the best!!! He hears ur cry & he also knows ur heart!!! Dont give up haaang n there!! There is light @ the end of the tunnel can you see it!! I can we are almost there God bless!! shannon:

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by Dahlia_Rain, Jul 17, 2009
I know exactly how you feel ( 100%  ). I am bi polar also. I am have the exact same problem as you do.
I am over weight and I have gained it in my face and I do not like it at all. I had all of my teeth pulled out back in 2007 and the result of that is a saggy look beside the corners of my mouth. I look old and I am not. I try not to look into the mirror much.
I am currently on medication and it helps me a lot. I am wondering if you are taking anything? Trusting in God asking for him
to help you is good, and I also know that medicine is here to help us and that is what it is here for.  That goes along with help from God, and I do know that he will answer your prayers and help you and he expects us to get help for ourselves too.
Hang in there ! You are NOT ALONE!!  

Avatar universal
by boldsojah4christ, Jul 17, 2009

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by KiKiJoy, Jul 17, 2009
There ya go!!  Tell that demon to go away IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST!!!  All who call on the name of the LORD (JESUS) will be saved!!  Just call out to Him!  He WILL answer you... HE loves you dearly!!!! You are NOT alone!! : )

Avatar universal
by boldsojah4christ, Jul 17, 2009
Amen! Words of encouragement! God will reward those that stand 4 him!!

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by jimi1822, Jul 17, 2009

            Hi I'm jimi, Where there is Love there is Hope, Where there is hope there is Courage, where there is courage,
            there is Strength, where there is strength there is Determination, where there is determination there is Victory....
            send that demon back to its unholy valley of despair. By The Name Of GOD =0) :o) =)

                                                                                                               much Love much prayers, much light....

                                                                                                                                              <3 jimi (little wing =0) <3

Avatar universal
by boldsojah4christ, Jul 17, 2009
AMEN Jimi i was wandering when u would show up lol!!!

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by Jen0320, Jul 17, 2009
Michelle I love you so much. I promise you that when i look at you the very last thought that would enter my mind would be disgusting or fat or anything mean. When I think of you i think of how loving, caring, giving, encourageing, trustworthy, BEAUTIFUL, amazing, etc etc etc..... you are. Whenever anything happens to me you are always there. Honestly when something happens i know i can count on you and i trust you with everything in my life. I love you!!!!!!! Please call me or message me or come see me or whatever ANYTIME!!!!!!!!! I'm always here. ALWAYS!!!

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by redhair488, Jul 18, 2009
Perhaps someone in your past said bad negative stuff relating to body image??.
Here is a little prayer you can repeat to yourself in any area in your life.

'Got grant me the
serenity to accept
the things I cannot
change, courage to
change the things I can
and the wisdom to
know the difference'

Take care.x

958781 tn?1263220360
by Bipolarbear72, Jul 18, 2009
I want to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for such kind, uplifting & supportive words.  I am very new to the site and really wasn't aware that my crazy journals would be of any interest to anyone.  I guess I am kind of shocked...that complete strangers (aside from you Jen) would take a moment to reach out and care.  I take these words to heart and am working extrememly hard to get to a good place as far as my self image is concerned.  One day, hopefully in the near future I would like to actually look myself in the mirror and say "I love you Michelle, you are worthy"...that would be incredible.
Hugs & well wishes for each of you,
Michelle x

Avatar universal
by boldsojah4christ, Jul 18, 2009
Amen Sis!! When you have the love of Christ in you!!! It's hard not 2 love a person back!!! The power of Christ is overwhelming especially when it's genuwine love!! Nothing can top that!! Ur journal caught my eye God put it on my heart 2 reach out 2u!!! Always remember ur just the way God made you!! Beautiful I say!!! God bless Shannon:

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