Jul 17, 2009
Who are you? Why have you stalked me since as long as I can remember? Hanging above my head…some dark cloud of self hatred. Always whispering negativity in my ear. Even on the sunniest of days in my life you are there. ALWAYS there… “Do I look ok?, Do I look too fat” DO I LOOK TOO FAT…Why YES you disgusting ugly fat cow you not only DO look fat you ARE fat!…actually morbidly disgustingly OBESE! Did you actually think you wouldn’t? Ha…a joke…these are words I have spoken to myself or thought every single day of my life since I was aware of my physical self. EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY…every school picture, birthdays, graduation, my Wedding Day, every picture taken at each of my children’s births, holidays, vacations…always about me and my god damn FAT! Who the hell am I to think others even take a second thought about me and how I look…I’m not that damn special to take up their time…
I am trying to figure this out logically. First of all I believe I am truly genuinely a good person. I love deeply and am very loyal to those in my life. . I don’t consider myself self absorbed…but maybe I am? Sickening isn’t it? I would do anything I could for those I love and care for…-So hey…what about me…would I do ANYTHING for ME? Apparently not and I want to figure out why. I am pissed…I mean I am beyond angry that this DISGUSTING Demon in life WILL NOT GO THE HELL AWAY!!!!! It wants to ruin what’s left of my life. I am so tired, so so so so very tired of it ALWAYS being about ME…ME ME ME…I know everyone else it too…who in their right mind wouldn’t be. Here she goes again…”Am I too fat for this outfit?” SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! Dear God just SHUT THE F*@K UP!!!! So here is the million dollar question…why don’t I do something about it? Hmmmmm….sounds easy enough right? That’s the logical answer…people do it every single day all over the entire world. It sure would make my life livable once again…I know all about portion control, Weight Watchers, no sugars, white foods, drink at least 8-10 glasses of water a day, and daily exercise…so BAM…there ya go….soooooo ok now what? This effing DEMON from within will NOT allow me to succeed. WHY??????? I want it out now…because if this is not resolved soon. YOU WILL DIER…YOU WILL DIE…YOU WILL DIE! GET IT MICHELLE?? DO YOU GET IT??? That’s not enough? You are so selfish that you’d leave all of those that love you behind, because you are that lazy and selfish? I hang my head in utter shame as I type…this is my rock bottom…it’s time to sink or swim…now Michelle…did deep…dig deep into your soul and fight this demon with every ounce of strength you have…I can’t believe I am going to say this Michelle…BUT…YOU DESREVE THiS…Look in into your eyes…YOU DESREVE THIS…FIGHT…LOVE YOURSEL…PLEASE JUST LOVE YOURSELF! It won’t be easy BUT FIGHT!!!!!