Aug 02, 2009
In the midst of this latest abscess, two trips to the doctor and hot packs 4 times a day, Mik and the 4 grandchildren came and spent Thursday and Friday. We kept these days to ourselves and didn't really "plan" events ... just shared time together. We did go grocery shopping ... and plugged in the refrigerator despite the door liner not being prepared properly ... as we had to have someplace cold for food for the kids.
Miss Kalista's color was not good and I mentioned it to Mikki. Her behavior was also subdued and her joints hurt. Mikki explained she was having a "down" day and that it is part of what she goes through. The following day, however, she talked and cried in her sleep. She awoke in tears with her joints hurting, her feet hurting, her fingers tingling and her throat hurting (the chemo makes ulcerations in her throat). She cried, "I need my medicine." and the hydrocodone was retrieved and given to her. A friend of Mikki's also commented on her color and she seemed much more lethargic and teary than the day before. Her appetite was down, 3-4 small bites of scrambled eggs for breakfast and 3-4 small bites of noodles for lunch .. after she had a meltdown and screamed uncontrollably saying "not those noodles ... " even though she had just tasted one from the deli and said that was what she wanted. After talking with her and asking her to use her words, I couldn't understand her screaming (something I learned from Mikki) ... she was able to tell me there were little green things in the noodles. Looked like itsy bitsy tiny pieces of dried parsley cooked to specks the size of pepper granules. For the next 5 minutes, I sat with her and picked every single one of them out of her noodles .. she helped by finding them and pointing them out .. and then was only able to each 3 noodles.
My heart ached for Kalista as I started to become aware of what my daughter deals with day in and day out. Kalista told me, "I'm going to lose all my hair." I said, "You are? Well, you are still so very pretty even without your hair ... but your hair will grow back ... just like before." She said, "I am sick. Are you still sick Grandma?" I told her yes, that we are both sick and both have medicine to take for a long time. She then asked me if I was going to lose my hair too. I told her, "no". As she continued to tell me she is sick, she told me she has cancer of her blood and still has buggies .. like spiders. I reassured her that we are both sick, we are both taking medicine for a long time so we can get better.
As we took the other kids school shopping, Kalista was carried most of the day, had several tantrums .. and I believe it was to have some control over the things she "can" control .. quite understandable. She also spent a great deal of the day snuggling close with either her mom, her sister, or me carrying her. For a time, she rode on my back "piggyback" style .. with her little arms wrapped around my neck .. another technique I learned from Mik and Kaleigh. She laid her head down and fell asleep. I held her that way, bending slightly forward for as long as I could and when the muscle cramps started in my tummy, I asked Mikki to hold her again. Mik held her like a baby and then I held her that way as she continued to sleep. When my arms were ready to break, I moved her to let her head rest on my shoulder and she instinctively put her little arms around my neck as I held her and had my arms under her bottom .. this time on the front of me. I can't tell you what treasured moments these were .. how much my heart is full, breaking at her pain, and yet grateful and thankful for the blessing she has thus far stayed in remission and that the doctors have a regimen that cures 85% of the ALL leukemia these little ones are diagnosed with.
All the time, there are three other grandchildren who need love and attention ... and I was blessed to share some special moments .. only moments this time .. with them as we searched through sale racks for school clothes.
My daughter and I had the most heartfelt and sincere talk and sharing of our lives and the love I have for her cannot be measured. I am so proud of her for her strength and her vulnerability, her genuine caring and loving nature ... and the forgiveness, wisdom and growth of spirit she has developed in her life. She is one amazing woman and I am in awe of who she is.
Today, I will not be online .. as I need another day to rest and heal. I miss everyone and want to respond to everyone but find I not only need to relax physically, but mentally today.
A unique opportunity has presented itself and I am going to rise to the occasion. I met my brother Richard for the first time around Thanksgiving of last year. He and Sally have been such a blessing to my life. He knew of me since he was 18 and I knew of him and my other two siblings from the time I was 13. We yearned for each other and had an emptiness in ourselves until we found each other and met. My sister and younger brother I have met only once. My sister has chosen to not accept me and harbors much anger and resentment; we have not spoken since. My younger brother knew nothing of me, did not know our father had been married before and was basically in shock when we met. He was shy and reserved ... I think by nature ... and we've not connected since then .. although I did not feel animosity from him.
Sally called and let me know Bob is at their house with Richard and her ... and they have invited me up for the day to relax, spend some time, go out on the boat and fish. I almost feel guilty leaving all of you .. but, as a dear MedHelp friend reminded me ... I must put on my oxygen mask first before I can put the oxygen mask on others.
So ... I hope everyone understands how much I love all of you and am sincerely looking forward to a better more fruitful week next week with much time here on MedHelp and one other obligation that I have committed to. I have the exercises ready to upload and create in Health pages and in posts ... and look forward to all of us getting back into the swing of things.
May you each have a blessed day, count your blessings .. and see you tomorrow.