redunancy

after so many relapses over so many years i decided this last time to say nothing to anyone that i was quitting the pills again. every other time, i told alot of people. i am one of those people who knocks wood and fears you will jinx it if you blab. so i did it privately beginning with the doctor, asking him not to let me keep manipulating him. then i just tried to act as normal as possible and think positive thoughts. not to hurt anyone's feelings, but i know all the pep talks. in fact i give a darn good one myself. i just couldn't read those again. also counting clean days trips me out, so i couldn't say how many it's been, only that aside from a little runny nose i seem to be back in the functional world. no one knew i stopped, yet suddenly my kids were spending more time with me. my husband became a tiger in the bedroom again. opportunities are opening up before me. they just know. the ones close to you can feel it. my husband would be on the road and when i messed up he would call alomst instantly. i of course would lie, only having to answer for it later. this pattern of deciept, betrayal, and the rest was eating me up so bad inside, i couldn't even instant message. felt so worthless, no, purposeless is more like what i was feeling. am happy to be back.