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Trying not to panic

Jul 25, 2014 - 10 comments

I am so mad.  This is getting ridiculous.  My surgeon finally called me yesterday and I was able to spew out my story in 7 minutes.  She apologized for not being around, but hell, what can she say?  Her father died.  It's not like I can blame her for that.  It's just that she is the ONLY person that can help me and i feel so freaking helpless.  She threw out a bunch of hormone options as she thinks that the high amount of progesterone that I am taking is inflaming my bowel and causing the bleeding. LUPRON?  SYNAREL?  I just spent the last hour researching the drugs she suggested and they are SCARY AS HELL. I took the Synarel once before my last surgery and it made me feel like I was dying.  It takes 3 months to leave your system.  From what I've read the Lupron is even worse and is a measure of last resort.  Is that really where I'm at???  I can't be.  I refuse to put my body through more shi* and hormone chemical garbage!!
She was also shocked to hear I had not been given a surgery date yet.  She said she'd talk to the OR and her secretary and call back.  She told me that it has to be next month because in September the OR shuts down for endo patients for a month or so (her clinic only get so much funding- much of which she funds personally through her private fertility practice)  So I am praying for a miracle because Lord help me I cannot go on like this, I mean it.  I'm on the edge.  I've spent the past week in bed.  I cannot even sit in a chair because of the swelling in my cervix and abdomen it hurts unbearably.  The lumps on my lower abdomen are worse.  The lymph nodes in my groin are even more swollen.  I have a painful lump between my outer vaginal area and my thigh/buttock.  The ER doctor added more pain meds to my daily regime and it is helping some...As long as I don't move...AT ALL.  I had to teach a class last night which I did from a recliner with a foot stool.  Today I had to grocery shop because my boyfriend is away working.
I hate hate hate this helpless feeling.
And then, the surgeon's office called.  I missed it because I was driving home from the grocery store.  I called back immediately but got the machine.  Left a message.  Please say that they are calling to give me a date.  I seriously am using every ounce of my will to try to remain calm.  At least outwardly.  Inside I am a total and utter HOT mess.  I can't think, eat, sleep.  I just want my body back.  I miss my life.  I have a really good life.
Fu*k.
I feel so bad about endlessly whining and complaining but I really need to get these fears out.  They will eat me alive.  I am desperately searching for an endo support group in my area, but it seems none exist.
I AM SO OVER THIS.
Tomorrow I will get a surgery date.
Tomorrow I will get a surgery date.
Tomorrow I will get a surgery date.
Say it three times and it's true.
Lu

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by nonights, Jul 25, 2014
Precious Lu! Prayers are being lifted up for you. I wish I could do more to get this surgery behind you and get your life back. Please know honey we care deeply!

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by msdelight, Jul 25, 2014
Good wishes coming your way Lulu. Praying for a date!

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by spider6, Jul 25, 2014
Prayers for you honey.  As a woman who occupies some "ledge real estate"; I'm here to tell ya, there's no room up here so something's gotta give for you!  .......all for a reason .........prayers for that reveal to be sooner than later! You a strong ash woman lulu, He knows that.   Hugs xo

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by Gettingalifeagain, Jul 25, 2014
I will be thinking of you tomorrow......God hold you in the palm of His hand...

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by Shannon79, Jul 25, 2014
I don't know you, but I've read some of your journals. All I can say is wow. No one should have to go through what you've been going through.

I just wanted to let you know I'm sending you prayers and hope that you get a surgery date soon

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by nursegirl6572, Jul 25, 2014
You know Lu, this is craziness.  I just cannot wrap my head around ANY doctor doing this to a patient.  Can you try to look for another surgeon?  This one cannot possibly be the ONLY one who could help you?  

My heart breaks for you.  It's insane.  I would be demanding action, or threatening a lawsuit.  You shouldn't have to suffer like you are, not to mention, the longer you wait, the more complications you're at risk for.  So ridiculous.

You're in my thoughts and prayers sweetie.  :0(

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by meegWpaw, Jul 25, 2014
Lu I am sort of speechless.  I feel helpless as well.  When can you get some relief?  those drugs sound godawful.  there has to be another way.  you must get a date and get this over with.  what you describe in how you feel and the manifestation in your body seems outrageous and unbearable.

I love you.  thinking of you all the time baby

lovelovelove

keep us posted

Meegy

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by VICourageous, Jul 25, 2014
I know I sure will feel a BIG Relief when YOU get this done. I just get bumps thinking of how much pain & agony you are in..Now it is starting to get you Mentally too..OH!! PLEASE LORD GUIDE HER TOWARD HER SURGERY NOW!!!!!

You are in my Deepest Prayers Girl! lol

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by lulu747, Jul 25, 2014
As always ladies, thank you so much.  I just called and left a very strong and quite desperate message on the machine.  I really hope to hear back any minute so I can finally have a light at the end of this very dark tunnel.
xo
Lu

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by lulu747, Jul 25, 2014
Ok two messages left.  No return.  I cannot lay in this bed anymore and stare at my phone.  What's that saying?  A watched pot never boils?  My temper is getting short and reading posts on the forum today is not helping.  Honest to God I am not in a place to be giving any advice right now.
My man is going to take me for a drive.  I need a change of scenery.
2 hours until the clinic closes.
Do I call again?
Or is that stalking?

CIK where are yoooooouuuuuuuu???
xoxoxox
Lu

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