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Feeling real and trying to understand

Jul 28, 2014 - 7 comments

I have been clean from opiates for over 2 years.  For over 5 years I numbed myself with opiates and did not feel the pain and grief that I needed to feel to move forward..hopefully, to heal.  Then I started back on anti-depressants.  I have been on them about 2 years and made a connection between them and my continued restless leg syndrome that had started to take over my life.  

I stopped cold turkey....have done it before and had little withdrawal problems.  This time, there were no physical problems....BUT and that is the BIG BUT..the emotional ones are taking over my daily life.  

I know this is good, I know I need to deal with the grief of the loss of many things....but dealing with ALL of them at the same time is debilitating.  

1.  Learning how to deal with my husband who is bipolar, has some limited dementia and continues to drink at least once a week, if not more.  The anger I feel from this is so overwhelming.  It does no good to be angry WITH him as he does not understand and it just makes things worse.  Learning to deal with the loneliness that comes from the mental illness.  Knowing that I more his mother and keeper and not a wife.

2.  During the depths of my addiction..I learned I was adopted.  This at the age of 56 or so.  I dealt with the immediate feelings..somewhat..but never really let myself think too deeply about it.  Well, that has ended.  Lots of questions with no way to get answers.  Everyone that would or could answer them is dead.

3.  The deaths of many friends over the last 6 years.  People that were my age or even younger.  Two I was very close to and wish I could have spent more time with them before their deaths.  I miss them everyday.

4.  Our children are adults now and living their own lives.  I cherish that they are doing well and in committed relationships.  I am grieving that they are living their lives and we are no longer a big part of those lives.  

So here I sit with tears streaming and not really understanding how to get better.    I will get there, I hope..but it is so hard.  

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by meegWpaw, Jul 28, 2014
Awww, lb, I feel so bad for you.  I am sorry you are going through all of this.  It seems an awful lot to go through at one time.  

I am sure you are special to your kids ... I remember you telling me how close you were with them, or at least one, in the past.  Adults do live their own lives but I'm certain you remain important to them.  They are still in your life right ... just in a different way?

The situation with your hub sounds extremely difficult . I know from personal experience how hard it is to deal with a spouse who is drinking.  Its really exasperating .. and hurtful.  That, coupled with his other problems.  I am sorry ... you are very strong and brave to keep caring for him in this way.

The adoption is a HUGE thing to be hit with lb!  wow what a shock ... and with no way to resolve it.  how can you productively work through this ???  I can't imagine how hard that would be.

Finally I understand about losing loved ones as well.  I am so sorry for your pain.

We have not heard from you in a while lb but it is always a gift to !!!!  I am glad to see you TWO PLUS YEARS clean and posting!  yay!  but I am so sorry to hear about all of this sorrow.

I KNOW that you have a giant heart and you are kind and understanding ... and these qualities and many more that remain unnamed will carry you through lb.  keep in touch ... please.

let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

much love,


Avatar universal
by vicki595, Jul 28, 2014
Hi- Reading this makes me sad. I'm so sorry...I'm proud of your clean time, though, and in the midst of all this it's remarkable.    It's late and I don't have words right now but I will tomorrow. I just wanted to say hello and send my love. xo

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by lulu747, Jul 29, 2014
Wow girl it's been awhile.  I'm so thrilled to hear from you and know that you've got this great clean time under your belt, but it saddens me to hear your pain.

I think maybe some counselling would really help, yeah?
I couldn't have made it through those first couple of years without my once a week (sometimes twice a week) meetings with my therapist.  They helped me make sense of the life I had been numbing out and helped me work through A LOT of trauma.  I still work at it, my free therapy has run out, so I've had to find more creative ways to work through my pain and suffering.
I wish I could help ease your burden....I think that now you just really need to think about and focus on YOU and YOUR healing.  I know you've been an amazing mom and incredible wife....You need to give yourself some well earned ME time and do whatever you have to do to get some joy back in your life.
Honey, you deserve it.
Please be gentle and kind with yourself.  Make a plan on how to get help and make it your number 1 priority.
You are worth it.
Sending love and wishing you peace....

Avatar universal
by Amandag78, Jul 29, 2014
My honey Lu, i wish i could take all your pain and suffering away. Im so, so sorry with everything you are feeling and going through constantly. You really are a brave and strong young soul and i just prey things get a little easier. I understand the frustration with your husband. My partner only has a drink or two once or twice a week, but i cant stand it when he does. He doesnt get drunk but i get so irritated with him. I feel the lonliness too, my partner is right there next to me, but yet i feel so far from him. He doesnt understand either. I cant begin to imagine what your going through, but i will always be here for you. Your a wonderful, special gal to me, i love you dearly xoxo

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by littlebit667, Jul 29, 2014
Thanks friends for the awesome responses.

I guess I know I need therapy..but 63 why in the hell am I still a mess?  LMAO.  Sigh.  The thing with my husband is an old one..but one I keep dealing with.  He is a sweet man with a terrible disease and after 37 years...I guess I will stay around. It is just so damned hard.

My kids are living their lives. one is redoing a house with her significant other and one is married and traveling.  They only have so many hours in the day and I miss them so much.  I know they are doing well and they love us, but damn it is hard.  

So therapy it is.  Just hope these damned panic attacks don't kill me!  :)

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by lulu747, Jul 29, 2014

I've been posting this all over the place today because it helped me so much with a pain crisis/panic attack this morning.  I hope that you try it and that it helps.


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by littlebit667, Jul 30, 2014
Thanks Lulu!  Yesterday was one of tears and near panic attacks.  I worked on my breathing and slept when I could.  

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