Jul 30, 2014
Oh fu*k. I don't wanna whine but I am in HELL here. I have not slept in 3 days. THREE! The pain and swelling is so intense I can't get it under control with the pain meds at my disposal and I don't know WHY! I am finally taking as prescribed but I still can't get on top of it. My lumps and bumps are growing and I can actually feel my pelvis throbbing as if it has it's own pulse. I can't sleep at night because I have 3 butcher knives inserted in me- one in my lower spine, one in my cervix, and one up my rectum. Sorry MH TMI but I honestly don't care any more. Last night I did something that I'm really upset about. After years of tapering I finally managed to come off the sleeping pills I'd been on for nearly two decades. Well- at 6 am when sleep was a distant possibility I cracked and took half of one. It didn't help. In fact, I felt high- the combo of the pain meds and sleeping pill made me feel high and that made me feel so panicked it furthered sleep from my grasp. My boyfriend found me at 7;30 this morning sitting on the kitchen floor crying. I took about 40 mg of melatonin last night along with the tryptophan and a sleeping pill and pain meds and still NO SLEEP. I am an emotional wreck right now anyways, three days with no sleep is pushing me over the edge. And here I am on another gorgeous sunny day in bed with an ice pack on my abdomen and a heating pad on my back and I can barely see the screen through my tears. I CAN NOT DO THIS ANYMORE! How the hell am I supposed to live another 9 weeks like this???
I see my GP tomorrow....But what is she going to do? I don't want more drugs. I DON'T!!!
The doctor and nurses at the hospital last week told me I needed to treat my pain more aggressively and never let it get above a 5. How do I do that when I can't get it below an 8?
I told them I was addicted to pain meds and fought so hard to get off them and they said that was the last thing I should be thinking about. HOW CAN I NOT? If I let my dosage go higher then it will be 7 months on this crap and you all know that that is going to be a hard taper. I'm gonna want to do it fast too because you all know how bad I want to be pregnant asap.
I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I have NO idea what to do.
I need to calm down. I'm going to do a meditation now and try to get myself dressed. I have a class to teach tonight and so I really need to get it together. My man is gone away working for 5 days starting tomorrow and I am scared to be without him. But I am also scared that our whole relationship is becoming about me and my illness. I hate it. I don't want this.
Deep breaths Lu Deep breaths.
I am praying for a miracle. I see the surgeon next Friday. Hopefully she can help me. Somebody needs to help me...
Sorry sorry sorry for the complaining but I am cracking under the weight of this. I'm scared I'm gonna break.