Aug 03, 2014
Agh, MH. I've been in bed since.....Thursday. I went to the doctor on Thursday and devised a better pain management plan that adjusted my dosing so that it covers 24 hours in hopes to avoid the waking up screaming pain that leads me to puking and crying and shaking on the bathroom floor. It's not really working and I'm not sure why. I haven't increased my dose by much, just making it more frequent because I've been keeping a pain journal and have found that it takes at least 60-75 minutes for my meds to kick in, so I am dosing 3 times a day with long acting and every 3 hours with short acting. IDK. I'm still in agony. I am finding myself this glorious Sunday afternoon in a fairly deep funk of depression. I truly thought my pain was so bad simply because I was doing too much. So I have completely slowed down and have not been doing anything physical for over a week now. I've been more aggressive with my pain management and am doing things like meditation and deep breathing exercises and using ice and heat to treat the EXTREME inflammation. It's not working. The butcher knives are doing their twisty turny thing and I am having some upper gastric pain that is conducive with the onset of a Crohn's flare....Which i really, REALLY don't need right now. My man has been working 16-20 hour days so I've seen him for about half an hour a day these past 4 days. It's super lonely. I can't go on FB because I can't bear to look at my friends photos of their summer time fun.
I'm doing that thing that is so dangerous which is comparing myself to others. I'm also thinking about this summer as compared to last summer.
Last summer at this time I was working with a fantastic bunch of kids on an original musical that I wrote with my man. It was how we fell in love. We wrote a love story together that became our love story. In addition to working 10-12 hours a day, I was also swimming in the gorgeous river and enjoying many backyard bbq's and social events. It was the happiest summer of my life. My pain and illness was nothing but a distant memory.
So it's hard for me right now. Really hard.
I know this is temporary. Every year I look forward to summer more than anything else. I'm like a hot house flower- I flourish in the heat. In a perfect world I would live 6 months in Mexico and 6 months here. I did that for awhile before I got sick.
I've made my California King sized bed into a sanctuary filled with clean linens and 14 pillows all propping me up so that I am completely supported. I have two fans trained on my body as it's 92 degrees here and there is no such thing as air conditioning in Canada except in retail stores.
I can see the ocean from my window and it is just filling me with sadness....
I gotta get out of this funk. It's dangerous. I know I'm in a dangerous place.
My problem is I don't know how to MOVE through things without actually MOVING. All my life the way I've dealt with depression, stress, anger, and sadness has been through activity. Hiking, running, swimming, yoga, dancing. These are my tools for dealing with my feelings.
I don't know how to deal when I can't move.
I need some therapy BADLY right now. But my free counselling finished in April and as I have no income right now (well it's limited) I can't really afford a hundred bucks a week to see my therapist.
I really need a support system. But right now this computer is all I got.
I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. Lost.
Please God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.