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Holding on tight for Friday and a total mess.

Aug 05, 2014 - 11 comments

OMG Medhelp Friday cannot come soon enough!
I do believe I am experiencing cysts erupting on my ovaries.  I have the intense take my breath away stabbing pain followed by a quick passing of a blood clot.  I know this is common in endo so I'm just trying to breathe, not panic, and just make it through this week until I see my surgeon on Friday.

But something else happened that has me sitting here bawling my eyes out.  As I mentioned, I saw my doctor (GP) last week and she and I decided that because of my intense pain I needed better pain management.  She increased the frequency of my dosage and wrote me new prescriptions.  She also decided I should postpone my continued taper of the valium until I am through surgery as I am barely sleeping now.  She doesn't think it's wise for me to put more stress on my body right now when I'm already suffering so much.  This was disappointing to me as I'd been doing really well with my taper and am down to almost nothing and I was so proud to almost be off.  But I realize she's right.  Unfortunately I need these medications right now.  So I had dropped the scripts off last Thursday to be filled as i had enough to make it through the long weekend.  I just called the pharmacy to ask them to fill them.
The pharmacy assistant said she couldn't fill them, that it was six days early.  I told her she was looking at my old prescription and asked to talk to the pharmacist.  He said (in regards to the valium) "You're still taking this?  I thought you were coming off it?"  I explained what the doctor had said.  You should have heard the judgement in his voice.  He then looked at the change of prescription for the hydro and said he'd fill it.  But he was so rude it was all I could do to not burst into tears on the phone.  I hung up and burst into tears immediately afterwards.
I know I shouldn't let this get to me.  But as I'm struggling so much myself with HAVING to take these medications which I've fought so hard to get off of- it was more than I can handle today.  I HATE THIS!!

I was awake all night.  All night in pain.  I fell asleep at 2 am only to awake at 3 am shivering with cold so intensely (it's 90 degrees here) that I had to put on flannel pjs.  I laid in bed shivering uncontrollably for hours and finally drifted off around 7 am.  I woke up an hour later drenched in sweat.  I have no idea what caused this.  I took my normal meds on schedule.  I did have that horrible ovary pain right before bed so maybe that caused it?
I don't know....All I know is that I am doing the very best I can in an extremely awful and difficult situation and the judgement from the pharmacist was the very last thing I need.
I just don't get it.  They have NO IDEA what I am going through or what I have been through in the past 7 months.  I think it is disgusting that they would treat a patient like that.
Now I feel like I have something to be ashamed of.  It's triggering all kinds of awful feelings in me and I don't know how to move through it.  I feel like going in there and telling them how unkind it is to be so rude to someone that is suffering so much.
I feel like every time I go in they look me up and down and wonder why such a healthy looking, well put together woman would be taking such hardcore medication.
They make me feel like a drug addict.  And I am an addict.  But I am an addict in recovery who is being forced to take medications AS PRESCRIBED for an incredibly painful and awful illness.  I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS!
God.  I need support right now.  Not judgement.
I'm usually really strong and don't give a sh*t what people think.
But this has hit me at my most vulnerable point.  I'm scared to go in there now.
I hate this.  I really, really hate this.

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Avatar universal
by weaver71, Aug 05, 2014
I think I get how you feel. My bank account was drained of tiny bit of money I have last evening, internet fraud. I am lucky my bipolar is at ease right now, I could so easily lose it right now. Paper work messed up my court appointed program, so I am going to lose money, time, my drivers license and may even get to do more jail time. My property tax interest is so high I can't ever catch up, may lose the house, if I can't figure something out. My back hurts too much to work as much as I need to also, my problems go on and on. Of coarse all this is not physical pain, only some of it, but I think I relate to your statement, "I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS!" I have worked so hard to do the right thing and am staying off drugs. I can't help but feel that the harder I try to be good, the worse my life gets. I was angry at God, I mean pissed off, for awhile. I just get frustrated, all the corrupt people who are stealing out of my bank account and doctors getting rich on people's addictions go unpunished for the most part, yet I am doing my very best and the world is trying to chew me up. I am a couple years clean and my life is a mess, no matter what I do.

On the other hand, I have yet to come across a battle that I haven't come out better after it passes. It can be a test of sanity and faith for sure, though I try to remember that I am still breathing, so there is still hope. I am deeply sorry for your pain and all the obstacles that you have. I wish I could take it away or tell you what is going to happen. I would give up the ability to know my own fate, if I could trade it to help others be at ease or prepare for what they have coming. I know you are loved and those who love you are hurting too. You definitely know who your fair weathered friends are after all this. Even in all your pain, you have shared what you have learned with as many as you can, and you have learned A LOT. When you finally get through to comfortable place, I can't wait to see how effective you will be. Your appreciation will be saintly, your information will be tested and true, your humility will be shining and there will be no obstacle too big to make you waver in your path. I am visualizing you smiling and sharing how you were so low, yet here you are, expressing your art and encouraging everyone.

Hang in there, Friday will come and go, and your spirit will still be marching on.

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Aug 05, 2014
Weaver bless you.  Honestly, you could not have said anything better to me right now.  It reminded me about all I've endured and how grateful I am for those difficult experiences and all I've overcome because it taught me so much about compassion, humility, and perseverance.  I know that on the other side of this I will look back and be grateful, as I have so many times before.
That's AWFUL what you have to go through because of internet fraud.
I don't believe in God per say, but I do believe in a higher power which I refer to as the Universe,  and I believe that the Universe tests people and gives them lessons so that they do become stronger and wiser and are able to make this world we live in a better place to be.  After I wrote this, my lover called and calmed me down.  He reminded me that right now I have to think of me, and only me and my health.  He is going to the pharmacy with me and I will walk in with my head held high and his strong arm around me.
I am finding out all about fair weather friends.  I am fortunate that I have many true friends and loved ones standing beside and behind me.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this to me.  It reminded me exactly in this moment of what I needed to be reminded of.  And THIS reminds me that if you just reach out and ask, the answer will appear.  You just have to be open enough to receive it's message.
Love and Peace to you friend.  I know that you will come through this particular test with flying colours.  You are a good man.  Wise, kind, compassionate, and a true asset to humanity.

Avatar universal
by kkoty, Aug 05, 2014
Forget about the stupid pharmacist. They are legal drug dealers too lazy to actually spend an hour online and see how much the crap they are selling is killing and hurting people. I personally hate my pharmacists. They enabled my addiction by suggesting I get more scrips in other ppls names and then filling them for me. As long as they had an id number, a name and a signature on the script they would fill it for me with no consideration for my own personal well being whatsoever. So don't worry what your drug dealing pharmacist says. He is beneath you and no better then the guy on the corner selling 20 dollar bags of crack.

Hand in there things will get better.

Great post Weaver. I did not know how much you still suffered as you are so selfless in your help with others. I have to learn to be humble.

4810126 tn?1503942735
by EvolverU, Aug 05, 2014

It's so ironic how some who don't need the medication are often enabled by the entire industry & that many who legitimately need pain meds don't get what they need & suffer horribly as a result. It is the result of a broken system, a lack of understanding about chronic illness & also about addiction. I'm so sorry you're going through this & are in such a scary place right now. (Is it possible that you broke a fever this morning?) I'm glad that you're journaling & trying to reason it out & to breathe! Like Mark says, Scr*w that callous & unprofessional pharmacist. He doesn't know you or your situation. Just from my comparatively minor agony having to take an opiate after recent surgery, I understand your heartache & 'guilt' over the need to take these meds. Have Faith, Lu (for the alternative is unthinkable & is where we really get into trouble!) You will come out of this stronger & will be able to focus on 'recovery' then. You still have the caution & the mindset & that is so Key. You have every reason to be proud of your taper & everything else you've achieved. Nothing can take that from you. I pray that Friday comes quickly for you (in fact, maybe we can skip Wednesday or Thursday this week, eh?)

Right now, take care of Lu. Let the strong, rational & mothering part of you hold the hurt & frightened part of you as if protecting a child. A being outside of yourself. Visualize her, soothe her, explain & reassure. Love her -- send her unconditional healing -- for there's no one more deserving in the Universe! :)

Reading of your trials & the trials of others only serves to reinforce my conviction that my own trials & everything that we've collectively gone through & shared is for a reason & that it our path is to listen & learn.

Namaste, my friend :)

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Aug 05, 2014
Namaste Annie.

Thank you.  I do need to take care of the scared, sad child inside right now.  You are very right.  I tried to take my temp last night but my thermometer was broken ):
So I guess I won't know.  I am in panic mode I guess.  I have to go to rehearsal now and tomorrow I have two media interviews and one is a television interview.  I need to get my sh*t together so I can be articulate.  Thank God for make up because this girl looks as tired as she feels.

I love you my friend.

4810126 tn?1503942735
by EvolverU, Aug 05, 2014
I'm sure you will look beautiful & acquit yourself splendidly! Be gentle with yourself & put on some music that usually makes you feel calm or really good, breathe, take your time & get ready. :) What's the appearance for? (Curious here!) Whatever it is, please, don't further stress. From where I sit, you're pretty darn articulate in the moment (usually the best way if we just let it flow, no?) So, just let it flow from that extraordinary heart & head of yours. You'll be fine.

Perhaps you should pick up a thermometer on the way home. (One of the digital ones -- [listen to me dating myself! They probably don't even make the glass ones anymore, eh?]).

I'll be thinking good thoughts & sending you strength tonight!

(Leans in & gives Lu a gentle Hug, a smile of solidarity, a slight nod & a look of 'You know it. Go & be wonderful, girl!!'

1742220 tn?1331356727
by meegWpaw, Aug 05, 2014
F*ck that pharmacist!   what does he know?   he's a grasshole.  I love you Lu.  I am so sorry you're in so much pain and feeling troubled on top of it.  Please let the troubled feelings over the meds go.  Let that go.  It is not serving you now.   You need the meds.  Take them.  Forget the rest.  love you ...  {{{{{{{Lu}}}}}}}}


1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Aug 06, 2014
This day started in the worst shi**iest way possible and has ended quite nicely.  Thank you to you, my MH family for talking to me when I felt like I was literally on the edge.
I made it to rehearsal and can't even express the joy and pride I feel for the work I've been able to accomplish on this play while in this shape.  It was a powerful reminder that no matter where I am at in life my creativity always saves me.  Always.
No erupting cysts tonight, less pain, and sorry if this is TMI but I actually managed a little intimacy with my man.  Not the SEX because that is beyond impossible- but some good lovin'- it made me feel so much more connected to myself, my body, and my love.  I will sleep tonight.

Annie, dear Annie...You are the best.  I am doing media interviews for the play I'm directing.  It's getting a lot of buzz and it should.  It is perhaps, my greatest artistic accomplishment to date.  It was a huge risk I took doing a very intense and difficult play with two 'green' actors.  But I knew in my gut that they could do it and honestly?  They are knocking it out of the park.  And I managed to do it in THIS state.  My weakest state.  So I am proud.  And tired.  And happy.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring but it's two days until Friday and some real answers and REAL medical support.
I feel content right now.
And ready to sleep.
So Weaver, Meegs, K, and Annie, BLESS YOUR HEARTS.  You have no idea how much you helped me today.

5986700 tn?1380791380
by spider6, Aug 06, 2014
I just never have the right words for you guys.....Lu, Jesus....prayers out ....I can't imagine at all how you are doing this.  It makes me words...bless you.  

....the rest of you guys....Tony, Meegy, Annie, same remind me that my sh*t is just that....and nobody else has it any easier subjectively......I see you all as having such strength. ......Koty, I don't know you but I'm sure your sh*t is just as impressive. Lol

Love and prayers and peace out....hugs xo

6990909 tn?1435275816
by jugglin, Aug 06, 2014
Dear Lu -
God love you.  Never, ever, let anybody make you feel less than who you are. YOU know your truth. YOU know your battle with addiction and how hard you have fought.  YOU know your legitimate health issues.  Your man and your loved ones know who YOU are.  Yes, walk in with your head held high.  You have NOTHING to be ashamed of honey.

Your friends here will be virtually walking in with you to pick up your meds. We love and support you. We pray for your healing, comfort, and strength (on top of that immense amount of strength you have shown).

Rock it out sweet lady and be proud of who you are and how far you have come.  Enjoy your success with your play and let your pride in your creativity and your students envelop you and provide you with the courage to keep fighting!

Love and hugs!

Avatar universal
by againnot, Aug 06, 2014
Fire that pharmacist!!!!  I have never been treated that way. Y the guy I've been going to for years.  There is no doubt in my mond that he suspects I a use my pills.  But he does not judge.  Ever.

My daughters get those horrible ovarian cysts too.  That what turned one of them into an addict.  She was getting 100 tramadol every month.  She had countless seizures.  

But YOU have a grip on this whole situation, so don't allow one stupid pharmacist to have that kind of power over you.

You also must have the strength to get off these pills again when the time is right.

No one knows what we go thru till they walk in our shoes, and they can't do that!

Stay're doing great!


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