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Aug 10, 2014 - 2 comments

I'm afraid it hasn't been a very good week, medically/emotionally speaking (oh how they are so intricately intertwined!). I feel that this is largely due to my realisation of how much work I need to do to pass NCEA (secondary education certificate here in New Zealand) Level 2, and how difficult, if not impossible, it is going to be to finish it all this year. I very much would like to finish it this year, as I don't want to start next year (my last year of secondary education, if all goes to plan) on the back foot.

And it's been that time of year again -- the time of year where the school gives students less than two weeks to choose their subjects for the following year. So that was stressful. I don't think they realise how hard it is for someone like me, who survives by living completely day-to-day, to make decisions that'll impact not just tomorrow or the next week but essentially the rest of my entire life. It's hugely intimidating, to say the least. I manage to survive by ignoring the very existence of life after today. If I think about the future, everything goes to pits. And I had to think about the future. So everything went to pits.

There have been more contributors to stress levels, but that's the main one, really. It just became too much and that's probably why I fell to pieces. I've had several panic attacks and just generally not really been in a good head space.

But recently I have discovered that I might want to go into elderly care as a career choice. So it's good that that's there as a sort of starting point. I'm still passionate about my film-making and theatre, but career-wise, it's just not very stable or secure at all. I can always do that in my down time.

So that's about where this journal finishes. The first of its kind! I'll try not to drawl on for too long, haha.

~ Zoƫ

PS: I have only very recently (as in, this week) been formally diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but have been battling it a long time, perhaps as long as three years. l am still battling ongoing depression and generalised anxiety disorder, both of which have been around for (at the time of this writing) a little more than two and a half years. It hasn't been an easy road by any account, with suicidal issues and eating problems that I'm still facing, and it's a long and difficult road ahead, but I'm hoping that eventually I'll get to where I want to be, Wherever that is.
My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I know everyone is fighting their own battles and confronting their own demons, and my strength goes out to you in every second of the war. May we all rest easy someday <3

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1110049 tn?1409402144
by 4Maddie44, Aug 11, 2014
Bless you and my heart goes out to you too.  You have a lot to deal with at such a young age.  So difficult to concentrate on school work, I should image, if you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I do admire you for keeping up with school work.  

I do hope you are getting support from doctors, family and friends.  Brave girl.  You are thinking of others when you yourself are dealing with so much.

Oh how nice that you are thinking of going into elderly care.  Well I am 73 and I so admire that you would want to do this.  

You have a very sensible head on young shoulders, and admire you very much Zoe.  

I think writing a journal can help, and I hope you have found it helpful too.

Take care

Anne



10040761 tn?1407685291
by zoefletcher, Aug 11, 2014
Thank you so much Anne, for your lovely comment. It truly warmed my heart, and I must thank you for that.

I am getting some support from people, which is always helpful! Sometimes it's difficult to see that, and my head sometimes convinces me that I am alone, but that is not the truth, and I'm working on trying to change my thinking. Medically, I am about to enter the treatment process for CFS, which should prove useful and will give me support for that. I am very close to my school counsellor, who has supported me immensely for several years and was the one to push me to see new doctors to get the CFS (not that we knew for sure what it was, at the time) checked out, recognised, diagnosed and treated (three out of four so far means good going!). I don't know where I'd be without her. I am also very close with my mother, and she supports me however she can. And my boyfriend and a sprinkle of friends are also there for me when I need them. So yes you could say I have support! I am ever so grateful for every single one of them.

Elderly care is so important to the community as a whole and it seems a logical place for me to fit, as I love helping people, but especially aged people, and bringing a smile to their faces. That's my goal in life, anyway. If at the end of the day, I can say that I've made people happy and improved their quality of life, then it's been worth it and I've done my part.

Thank you for your ever so lovely compliments and your kindness. I am so happy that there are people like you in this world.

Thank you again,

Zoe

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