Aug 12, 2014
Hahaha I feel like I'm posting a detox comment with that heading. It has now been 7 whole days without sleep. I mean, I think I am sleeping a little, but I did look at the clock every hour on the hour last night. I feel like I'm losing my marbles. Mainly it's the pain. I just can't seem to get it under control. And the stopping of the hormones and subsequent bleeding is absolutely horrific. I knew it was gonna be bad, but I didn't think it would be this bad. I also have a blinding migraine which I can only attribute to the hormone swing. I am just praying that I can make it through this. This is a big week and my presence is needed until Thursday night at 8 pm. At least the crazy heat wave broke and it is raining today. Last night it was so hot that we went to bed on top of the covers, naked, with two fans trained on us and we were still sweating. Is it wrong that I am irrationally angry with Andrew and his ability to sleep through anything? I was up all night, crying, rocking myself, laying on the cold bathroom floor, putting ice packs on my super swollen belly, desperately scrolling the internet for someone to talk to about the horrible pain.
I feel like my insides are coming out, which they are. I'm starting to lose my rational though pattern and am getting confused. Lack of sleep always does this to me. In combination with these crazy hormonal swings and the pain meds I feel like an alien has taken over my body.
I don't know how much longer I can take this!!!
I am sticking to my pain med schedule as I cannot start medicating myself. It is part of my contract to only take what is prescribed to me, exactly when it is prescribed to me. The problem is because of this crisis my pain levels have increased by 50%. I am desperately adding in Tylenol and even Advil to assist. I am worried this will cause my Crohn's to flare but honestly, when I am writhing with pain I will try anything- except more opiates.
I think this is smart.
I feel like I am being punished and I know that is irrational and unproductive but I can't help how I feel.
I am drawing from every reserve of strength that I have but I am coming up short.
This suffering is unimaginable. I think they should use it as punishment for child molesters and animal abusers.
It is appropriate.
I know this means something in the greater scheme of things and I will be stronger and wiser once I am through it, but how do I actually GET through it?
One moment at a time like anything else. One moment at a time.
I am going to go do the Yoga Nidra Meditation and hope it calms my CNS down. Being in a constant state of fight or flight because of this pain is dangerous.
My BP is high and it's never high.
My heart is pounding in my chest.
My head is throbbing.
I want to call Andrew and ask him to come home from work because I am scared- but we need the money. His is our only income until the end of the month.
I'm going to go call my mom.
She always makes me feel better.