Aug 17, 2014
Ok so day four and I honestly don't feel half bad, physically. Got up, took my Tyrosine and went to the grocery store before 10 a.m. Have done some laundry, etc. Just feeling anxious and bored. So sick of this house but nowhere really to go. It's 400 degrees here so a walk outside is out of the question. I may hit the gym later and listen to my audiobook about addiction. I was walking to my teenage daughters room to wake her and realized that I don't have many years left with my kids at home. Do I really want to waste these years in a fog? Not giving them all of me? It just hit me pretty hard. I always feel guilty about not appreciating the simple things in life, even before the pills. I've been drinking since I was 14 so I guess I never really got a chance to. My kids have had a pretty sweet life and I've always been there and provided for them with NO support from their deadbeat dad. Plenty if times, PLENTY of times I have been around them high on something, and plenty of times have I snapped at them the next day after being up all night and being grumpy the next day and I will never forgive myself for that, but they deserve 100% of me the last years they are here with me. Wow. I am a blubbering MESS today.
Yeah, I need some feel good endorphins. Definitely gym and music time. I bet that music is starting to sound pretty sweet. God help me thru this once and for all. I just want to BE. And I missed 2 days of work last week and tomorrow have to take my mom to her oncologist so there's another few hours, but I can't help it.
There's a whole other story there of my mom going through a HORRIFIC medical ordeal and me missing most of her appointments cuz I was a single mother and had to work. Deep down, I think I used it as a shield to not have to deal with it. Nobody's perfect the past is the past and today is a brand new day. It may be an ordinary day but some people, like my mom, would be elated to just do normal stuff like mow grass without hurting. I want to appreciate the normal, ordinary stuff! This truly all over the place and my apologies for anyone that may fall upon this but I really think it helps.