Aug 19, 2014
I am not a very patient person. I mean, I am a VERY patient person when it comes to my work. I teach kids and you have to be. Although it's the adults that test my patience more than anyone.
But I am NOT patient when it comes to hearing back about something so important as my surgery.
I haven't heard a thing yet and I'm not sure what to do.
I didn't sleep much last night. I wake up every 2 hrs in pain, horrible pain. I think I've built a tolerance or maybe something is just getting worse??
Also my pain is shooting down my legs and for some reason when I got out of bed this morning I couldn't bear weight on my right leg. The butcher knives are GOING TO TOWN.
I don't know how much suffering I can take. I really don't.
A went back to work today. He's still sick but we need the $$ so he went.
I'm going to get my hair done then I have to go to the studio and get cleaned and organized cuz it's a disaster in there.
I've enlisted two of my teen students to help and my Dad is coming to vaccuum and scrub the bathroom because I am incapable of doing any activity.
I am just the director. Which is okay, that's what I'm good at.
So hopefully I will be distracted today, from the pain, from the waiting....And then when I least expect it the phone will ring and it will be the surgeon's office and they will say.
"Lu. Dr.Williams can fit you in on September 20th. for surgery at VGH".
This is what I want.
When I got clean I started keeping a journal again. A manifestation journal. I wrote down every single thing I wanted to accomplish and the days I wanted it to happen by.
It worked EVERY SINGLE TIME, to the day.
Even down to me getting together with A.
How crazy is that?
I need to go buy a new journal today and start that again.
I can't help but feel that somehow, in someway this is my fault
I know it's not.
I hate not having control over something. Like really really HATE it.
I never use the H word. It is banned in my classroom, I treat it like a swear word, and if one of my students says it I make them put money in the Swear Jar.
I think it's good to teach kids not to use the word hate. It's ugly. I wish I could teach the world not to hate.
I wish I could teach myself not to hate the feeling of being out of control, powerless....
I need to get back to therapy I think and do some work on myself.
I am feeling a bit traumatized by this whole experience and I need to deal with that. Because it's dangerous when I don't.
That was how I went from using my meds responsibly to using them to numb out emotional pain.
I have not been out of bed since Sat afternoon. I have no idea what the air feels like, if it's warm or hot, I forget what it feels like to drive my car.
I had a fever again last night but it seems to have broken so that is good. I was going to have to go to the ER if it didn't because combined with the pain and swelling it could have meant something bad like a blockage or fistula or something.
These are very real threats with my diseases.
I just don't want to think about any of this for a few hours. So I won't. Tomorrow is my last day of actual work for the summer.
I have to do registration but that is it.
So I am really going to try to let everything go.
A watched pot never boils.
Have a beautiful day MH peeps.