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The H word.

Aug 19, 2014 - 3 comments

I am not a very patient person.  I mean, I am a VERY patient person when it comes to my work.  I teach kids and you have to be.  Although it's the adults that test my patience more than anyone.
But I am NOT patient when it comes to hearing back about something so important as my surgery.
I haven't heard a thing yet and I'm not sure what to do.
I didn't sleep much last night.  I wake up every 2 hrs in pain, horrible pain.  I think I've built a tolerance or maybe something is just getting worse??
Also my pain is shooting down my legs and for some reason when I got out of bed this morning I couldn't bear weight on my right leg.  The butcher knives are GOING TO TOWN.
I don't know how much suffering I can take.  I really don't.
A went back to work today.  He's still sick but we need the $$ so he went.
I'm going to get my hair done then I have to go to the studio and get cleaned and organized cuz it's a disaster in there.
I've enlisted two of my teen students to help and my Dad is coming to vaccuum and scrub the bathroom because I am incapable of doing any activity.
I am just the director.  Which is okay, that's what I'm good at.
So hopefully I will be distracted today, from the pain, from the waiting....And then when I least expect it the phone will ring and it will be the surgeon's office and they will say.
"Lu.  Dr.Williams can fit you in on September 20th. for surgery at VGH".
This is what I want.

When I got clean I started keeping a journal again.  A manifestation journal.  I wrote down every single thing I wanted to accomplish and the days I wanted it to happen by.
It worked EVERY SINGLE TIME, to the day.
Even down to me getting together with A.
How crazy is that?
I need to go buy a new journal today and start that again.
I can't help but feel that somehow, in someway this is my fault
I know it's not.
I hate not having control over something.  Like really really HATE it.
I never use the H word.  It is banned in my classroom, I treat it like a swear word, and if one of my students says it I make them put money in the Swear Jar.
I think it's good to teach kids not to use the word hate.  It's ugly.  I wish I could teach the world not to hate.
I wish I could teach myself not to hate the feeling of being out of control, powerless....
I need to get back to therapy I think and do some work on myself.
I am feeling a bit traumatized by this whole experience and I need to deal with that.  Because it's dangerous when I don't.
That was how I went from using my meds responsibly to using them to numb out emotional pain.

I have not been out of bed since Sat afternoon.  I have no idea what the air feels like, if it's warm or hot, I forget what it feels like to drive my car.

I had a fever again last night but it seems to have broken so that is good.  I was going to have to go to the ER if it didn't because combined with the pain and swelling it could have meant something bad like a blockage or fistula or something.
These are very real threats with my diseases.

I just don't want to think about any of this for a few hours.  So I won't.  Tomorrow is my last day of actual work for the summer.
I have to do registration but that is it.
So I am really going to try to let everything go.
A watched pot never boils.

Have a beautiful day MH peeps.


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by msdelight, Aug 19, 2014
Dear Lulu,
I feel your mental pain.  I too am waiting for any kind of an answer for one month now. Although my life and motherhood are not at stake, my career certainly is. I applied for an amazing teaching position and haven't heard a thing. I check my calls and Emails and log into the site like 100 times a day. School starts 9/4 and I can't believe they haven't started interviews. They promised to notify whether or not they choose to see me.I'm placing it into God's hands, trying to stay positive and I wanted to offer up this prayer.

Oh Lord our God and Savior, you are mighty and true. You can make a way when there are no roads, and a new life where there is none.  I pray that Lulu and I receive an answer soon, so we may make a plan and see the way forward. Whether the news is good or bad, please send an answer. The waiting is the hardest part. Amen.

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Aug 19, 2014
Awe MsD.

You will get the position.  I know it in my bones.  And I will get my surgery soon.  I know it in my bones.
Sending lots of love back to you-
Let's stay distracted and save strength for a CELEBRATION.

1742220 tn?1331356727
by meegWpaw, Aug 19, 2014
awww Lu your j made me feel like crying.  im so sorry baby

listen I want you to be aggressive again ... this time in taking care of yourself.  only you know how best to do this ... so I am going to trust you!  I was going to think of things to tell you to do .. but just be good to yourself and take it easy.  I know how hard these things can be because I had to do that yesterday and I will continue today.  its hard baby.  but you gotta do it ok?  whatever it means to take care of you ... getting some air ... GENTLY .. no running around ... ok im telling you what to do.  sorry

ive got to get started here.  I will check back with you later.

have a peaceful day and just get the bare minimum done ok?

love you doll!


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