What's the real reason I joined the addiction forum?

Medhelp really does good in the world and it has helped people in the many aspects of medicine and especially addiction.  But I've decided this forum just isn't for me anymore:

I first saw medhelp's addiction, alcohol and addict family member's forums as a good way to do 12 step work. Working with others, carrying the message as it says in the 12th step. But then I began to really take a good look at what I was actually doing here on medhelp and what it sometimes did to me.

There are two parts to the 12th step. The first part is "having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps"...  I'm a true addict and alcoholic and walk on thin ice at all times. I also have a thin skin. These addiction forums aren't meetings or even close to one. At meetings we share our experience strengths and hopes with one another in hopes of solving a common problem. Here it's about knowledge, how-to and some guidance to living life after substance abuse. This is great! But I sure-the-hell don't know everything even though I'd sometimes try to write like I did.

To be totally honest about this, my last post was to a desperate sounding H addict that I felt simply needed someone to just acknowledge his post was being read. I somewhat told him to hold tight until someone with more experience with H can come along to help him. I've always stayed away from subjects I don't know much about. Next thing I (snf) lost a star (snf) and was bumped down a peg and I found myself all bummed out about it. I no longer "look" credible! And there goes the view of myself as some "pillar of spirituality" lol!!  Well, sometimes, maybe most of the time to be honest, I'm not credible! This started the ball rolling on the big question "why am I really here?" Many times on the forums I'd log out and begin feeding quarters to the A$$ kicking machine. I guess I'm too sensitive for this I'd tell myself.

Thank you God for the 12 step meetings that continue to preserve my sanity and life itself.

As everyone knows here on this forum, it's far from being a meeting. There's a good possibility it can damage the way an addict thinks of themselves. There's a pecking order, there's a "rank" here called the star system. Granted It's the accepted way we all live and work in the working world. And I can see exactly how it fits in here on MedHelp. A new addict trying to get clean will see that the person who is answering them is credible.  Rank never really works in recovery like it does in the corporate world.  (Look up the 3rd and 9th traditions in any 12 step group) Granted you will find a "bleeding deacon" old timer type at many a meeting, who might think the meeting can't go on without them. But in AA, NA and Alanon, we're all equal. A loving God is in charge. Our members are but trusted servants. Everyone's important. The new person shows us that it isn't getting any better out there. The old timer shows us that it CAN be done, one day at a time.

But I jumped on the bandwagon here without ever examining the two real reasons: I'm and ego maniac with an inferiority complex.

Here's how I know that: Further self-honesty coaxed out by my sponsor, told me that I care way too much what people think about me; and it's a form of self-centeredness. And it's very true. So I'll always need to keep working on that. I've always got to be changing. My sponsor suggests that I shouldn't be on here if it bothers me so f---ing much, and I agree. He said to hit more meetings instead. After all, in the beginning, they're what saved my life. "I bet taking a good look at myself instead of others...I'm just using medhelp as an ego trip to blow about all my years of AA/NA knowledge and go around fixing people" he suggested. He's probably right there also. (He only feeds me suggestions, not demands. I crave his perspective) One thing I do know, if I never honestly examine myself I will NEVER change. If I'm still the same person who used, using will return; after all, that's the only thing missing. That's a guarantee. Most of you know this. Our addiction will never be cured. No cap, gown and diploma from addiction.

I'll leave you with this: at meetings the second part of the 12th step is working with others; be it making coffee at a meeting, chairing a meeting, working the hotline, giving someone a ride to a meeting... It doesn't necessarily need to be instructing or "teaching" someone and hoping you get it right. The brand new person with just 24 hours clean can come to a meeting the next day and help out the person who has walked into their very first meeting by simply showing them where the 1st step table is. Every time I see that happen It fills me with the spirit and the willingness to continue to work on staying free and clean just for today.

I wish everyone recovery, serenity and peace.