Sep 10, 2014
It was 1 am in the morning on a Monday in April when I heard the door bell ring. My heart was racing. I called out to my husband, a deep sleeper, and jumped out of bed to look out the window. Police were at my door and knowing my 16 year old was safely home, my mind quickly thought of our 3 college age sons, all away at school. The officer tells me my 3rd son had been involved in a car accident, that the car had flipped and was totaled, but he was okay. I knew instantly that he really wasnt okay, that there was more to the story. It was a school night, he should have been in the city at his University, and he didnt have a car at school with him. For the next 1 and a half hours, the cops tell us hes on some type of drugs, and it wasnt just pot. My husband and I are deciding if we want him home (he had been arrested twice prior on posession of pot). We ask if they are going to arrest him and they decide to bring him home as we refused to pick him up! What I saw shocked me. He couldnt walk or talk right and was verbally aggressive. The next morning he comes downstairs and has no memory of the accident or how he got home. He then tells me of the daily opiate and benzo use, how he stopped attending classes, and my entire beingness as a mom fell apart. How did I miss this? Where did I do wrong? Was i too permissive with him? How could I be such a failure? I was an at home mom after all. Wasnt it my job to prevent these things from happening? All throughout high school he would say "he would never do hard drugs, pot yes, no hard stuff".
Here was my boy that had appeared to be confident, self assured and strong but he was an abuser. He detoxed at home that week then disappeared for approx. 2 months- in and out but mostly out of the house. That was May and June. I faced the biggest fears of my life, cried night after night, and grew closer to God.
Fast forward to today, my son is not in school or working and has no contact with old friends. For the past few weeks, he spends time every day golfing. He started reading again and has gained 10 pounds back from eating good food. He has committed to working with his psychiatrist, an addiction specialist but I am afraid he will stop too prematurely. I try to learn about drug addiction from forums like this and went to counseling for a few months. I am so sorry for the pain someones drug use causes, especially for a parent. Also, I feel bad for the drug abuser- he is in pain too and I never really knew that.
I am scared of the future for my beautiful son and I fear relapse. I am human and my faith sometimes wanes. I hate drugs and all its evils and I pray, Dear Lord, please have him grow closer to you and allow him to take your lead. I love my boy forever and ever and hope he wants to stay healthy as much as I want him too. I thank God for giving him another chance and for bringing him back to us.