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Family struggles

Sep 10, 2009 - 42 comments

I know many of you have sent me notes of encouragement and care. I so appreciate that. I'm trying not to hide away in a little hole somewhere but the past couple of months have been stressful and the past few days have been even worse.

Just to fill in here without putting you all to sleep with my ramblings: our daughter married just 2 years ago. Nice guy, funny, sweet, fantastic family. In the past year we've noticed a change in him, less social, avoiding us even when we stop by the apartment. We asked our daughter if everything was OK. She said yes. We want to respect her privacy since she is an adult.

Then in May he came home and announced he quit his job. Hmm. Our daughter is a teacher but has only been able to get sub jobs so far. She manages their money very well since he tends to be a spender. But now he refuses to work. Said it would give him anxiety. She told him to try some summer college courses then, find something he might like to do in terms of a career. Even then he was upset about the 2 classes. It wasn't easy going.

No summer work for her so she found a job at a local pizza place to bring in some cash. Then found out she was pregnant. Yes, they've been trying for 2 years with no luck. Talk about bad timing. Then her pregnancy made her too sick to work. Her BP was running 80/60 and she kept passing out. Even got hurt at work one time from fainting. The husband? Still hides out in the back room playing video games, complains constantly about what she does or doesn't do.

We finally got her to open up to us and it was worse than we imagined. So much verbal and emotional abuse going on. We were thinking maybe a separation would shock him into action. We spoke with his parents. They didn't know things were this bad, knew he had some self esteem problems but nothing like this. They agreed but worried about his reaction. Anytime something doesn't go his way, he threatens to kill himself. Not good.

Our daughter decided to try one more thing, ask if he'd be willing to try marital counseling. She even presented it in a way that it was for her to learn better communication skills. Nope, he blew up again, threw out the "suicide" word again. Now it looks like we're just going to have to step in, she'll come to our house, my husband has offered to talk to him since he understands depression, the parents support this because they're emotionally drained and they are willing to have their son stay with them for awhile till we all figure out what to do next.

Not an easy thing to face. And that's the story, more to it of course but you get my drift. And that's why I've been just waiting here at home, wondering what will happen in the next hour or day. I think today will be the confrontation day if our daughter agrees it's time. She can't go on much longer under these conditions. She said he's been like this almost from day one, questioning her love for him, making threats. I think she needs a break.

Again, thank you all for your wonderful, loving notes. I may not know your faces but I know your hearts and they are beautiful.

hugs to all,  irene

Comments
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390388 tn?1279636213
by Me967, Sep 10, 2009
Irene Hi.

I feel for her and this has to be hard on you too, not to mention everything going on with your Mom.  I had a gut feeling.  I went threw a lot with my husband at the beginning like that too.  The one thing that finally seemed to help was getting to be friends with our minister at church and going over to his house.  It changed his outlook.  Then there were times when it would go in waves and he wouldn't even go to church.  Now it's been 10 years we are fine.  They say the first 7 are the hardest to get threw.

I hope and pray things work out for her mentally and physically.  I have no children; but, I know this must be hard on you as far as walking a fine line between her being an adult, being pregnant and her as your child that you love dearly.  Best of wishes to you and your family.

HUGS

483733 tn?1326798446
by TrudieC, Sep 10, 2009
Irene, I so feel for you and your daughter.  My husband went through depression and refusing to work and playing games for a number of years while I brought home the bacon and suffered his tirades.  Luckily I got strong enough to issue an ultimatum and  he went for it.  He is so happy he is working now and even says he has his 'mojo' back.  I also experienced an abusive first marriage and many threats of suicide if I left.  After 6 tries I did and just ensured his family was aware of the threats so they could be there for him.  He was fine.

I do hope that your SIL will realize he is mentally ill and get some help.  I can imagine the stress that your poor pregnant daughter is under and pray for a quick and relativelly painless resolution for her.  Thank goodness she has you and your husband for support.

Thank you for sharing with us.  Thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Hugs, Trudie

458072 tn?1291415186
by peggy64, Sep 10, 2009
This is really a sad and heartbreaking situation for any mom, but now with your daughter pregnant. The first thing I say do is just pray for wisdom.

It really sounds as if he has some type of mental problem that needs to be treated. He may be bipolar or schizophrenic. Sometimes, these just come on a person.

You do what you believe you need to do as far as taking care of your daughter. Her safety is number 1. He might not in ordinary times hurt her, but it sounds very "un" ordinary.

Please keep us posted and I will be praying for your family.

Avatar universal
by knightrider, Sep 10, 2009

Irene,I know it's easy for us to tell ya hang in there.But I know it's not.I'm deeply sorry this has happen.I had a feeling what was happening..Being a retired Polce Officer,I stronging believe to have UR daugher move in with U until this blow's over.
As for depression,I came close but woke up.I was bored not being in any action and missed the long hours and ect.Don't forget UR self.U need to be strong for the both of U.Please can U keep us up dated.Miss ya out here.

Avatar universal
by helenl89, Sep 13, 2009
My ex husband was like that, for awhile, we were divorced a yaer and ahalf after the baby was born. It was the most awfull decision i ever had to make. But when i look back now, it was for the best. It's been a long struggle, but a happier one. Your son- in law needs help, hopefully he will get it before its too late.  My ex saw his daughter every other week and has always been in my daughters life. I told him years ago you are either in or out, no half  a... sh... He found out the hard way and almost lost all hi rights. He woke up about 10 yearts ago to the reality of the situation, but by then i had moved on, and didn't want it back in my life. I had to think long and hard about, what was best for me and my child. There is so much more I could tell you about this story, but it would take to long. Be there for your daughter, but let her make her own decisions in the long run. otherwise she could resent you later. My mom hasn't spoken to my ex husband in 17 years. It really puts a cramp on family functions. It makes it very uncomfortable for me and my daughter. It just got to the point now were we have two family functions. one for my side of the family and one for his.  Its really a bummer sometimes. My daughtr and I can't even mention his name around my mother. She will make our lives miserable if we do, so it's not worth it to us anymore. I do feel my daughter resents my mother for her attitude, but I have to let her form her own opinion now she is old enough. Me, after seventeen years I ust let it go. It's not worth festering over. at this point. By the way my ex has been in and out of psychiatric institutions for the last 4 years. I feel for his new wife quite abit. sending big hug lol

329994 tn?1301663248
by lvfrogs, Sep 13, 2009
Irene,
You are the most loving, giving mom and your daughter knows that. Probably part of the reason she stays with him and is trying to make it work, is that she knows at a moments notice, she can call you and her dad and get help. That is a wonderful thing for her to know. I think personally, that she should get out of the situation and protect herself and her baby. He needs to get help. He could be bipolar?? Mental illness is physical, not just mental and sometimes, you have to be on prescriptions in order to live a good life. He might need this. He should really be evaluated but that will have to come from him and his parents should be supporting that too.
Will continue to keep all of you in my prayers and will hope and pray that this will come to a good conclusion. Do what is right for your daughter and baby though. They come first.

Many hugs,
Colleen

146692 tn?1314331773
by butterflytc, Sep 13, 2009
As tender as you are with your animal care, I know it is even more so with your own daughter..heartbreak is worse than any physical thing we go through in life. Like someone else said above..all you can do is pray for wisdom. The little one she carries inside her now, is more important and the instinct to protect that child, will soon kick in. I worry about you Irene, as stress is no good for anyone. I wish you peace and patients, til this is all resolved for everyone around you.

God Bless
butterflytc

225036 tn?1294509400
by fungirl1011, Sep 13, 2009
Irene, I am soo very sorry that your daughter and you are going through such a horrible time.  I was in a very verbal and abusive husband with my first husband.  I, like your daughter stayed and did not let my family know how bad the situation actually was until after I had my son.  Looking back, I wish I would have had the courage to tell my parents all that was going on.  I was very naive and thought that my love for him would be enough.  If I may ask a queston, are you sure he is not involved in drugs?  His behavior sounds much like that of my exhusband.  He would gon on tirades over nothing, be mean to me, and not want to work too.  Butterfly is  right, your daugher and her baby come first.  He is a grown man, and it sounds like he may need some mental health (sorry if that sounds harsh).  I think it is wonderful that you and your husband are such good parents that you are going to let her come home.  That was the best thing I ever did.  It was so hard, but in the end, it was the best thing for my son.  I would also like to suggest that she not go anywhere by herslef.  He sounds a bit unstable and you do not want him to get a chance to harm her.  I am so gald that his parents are on board with you all.  I will be saying lots of prayers for your daughter and baby, and especially for you and your husband.  You are in a hard spot.  If is so hard as parents to forgive the ones who hurt our parents.  We are here if you need us!!

Love and prayers,
Kasie

187666 tn?1331173345
by ireneo, Sep 22, 2009
Time for an update even though not a lot has changed yet.

She got her husband signed up for full time college courses. That was his complaint back in May, that he hated his job and if he could go to college and learn something he enjoyed, he'd be happy. Only it hasn't seemed to help. She's not sure he's even going to make it to classes this week. He's complaining about pain in his shoulder, said he hurt it in painting class (OK, no giggling out there LOL)

On the other hand, she's feeling a bit better. Able to eat small amounts every couple of hours. Most of the nausea is gone and she's not losing weight any more. She's even back to taking her walks but no jogging. She did start bleeding a week or two ago (I lose track of time). Her husband got upset because she was resting too much. Example: the first night she started bleeding, she asked him to please fix himself something to eat for dinner. He pooped around, didn't eat. Then she said to just go ahead and order some pizza from Domino's. She had set up an account online so they can order that way and have it delivered. He pooped around. When she asked if he had ordered, he whined that he didn't know how and he just wouldn't eat. She got up and ordered for him. This is a guy that spends probably 10-12 hours a day playing on the computer. And if it was me, I'd have told him to go ahead and starve then. Honestly!

For now she's getting her strength back, will start on her Master's degree in November. It's a special program that requires just one night a week at the university and she can finish in 2 years.

The mother-in-law wants her to fix things now. Sent an email asking when she was going to talk to her husband (MIL's son), maybe she should go to a counselor to find out how to talk to him so he wouldn't get too upset. Told her it was all up to her and she needs to have a plan. Great. No pressure, right?

I do go out with my daughter a couple times a week to run errands. She's still a little light-headed and isn't comfortable doing a lot of driving alone. We have a good time. She tells me what's going on and then we have some fun. She needs a little lift after being around Mr. Grumpy Pants day after day. I would love to see her life get back on track but the timing is up to her. She'll know when she's had enough and has the strength to face him, tell him the truth. He seems oblivious to the unhappiness. Then again, he stays up all night playing video games and drinking, then sleeps most of the day away. It's easy to ignore reality that way.

That's the news, such as it is.

Hugs to all you wonderful folks out there. I know you are facing your own challenges, much bigger than my family drama. But I do appreciate your listening ears and caring hearts.

irene

483733 tn?1326798446
by TrudieC, Sep 22, 2009
I'm so glad to hear that your daughter is feeling better.  It will help her to be able to think and hopefully improve her situation.  She is so lucky to have you close by and to have such a good relationship.  She is in my prayers.  Thanks for the update.

Avatar universal
by knightrider, Sep 22, 2009


Sounds like  things are picking up a bit slowly and that's the way to go.UR daughter is very lucky to have U for those  mother. daughter talk.How's the little Rugrat to be doing?One more thing,how mom doing?


















/

329994 tn?1301663248
by lvfrogs, Sep 23, 2009
Hi Irene,
Your MIL needs to wake up and smell the roses concerning her son!!! I would just ignore her as much as possible. I think she might be part of the problem.  Your daughter is amazing and I hope that everything will work out for her but I also hope that she will be happy and able to raise the baby in a loving and good home.  There is nothing shameful in divorcing if they have to. She has to do what is best for her and the baby.  I hope he will turn around by going to college, but from what I have read, he doesn't sound promising. You are a wonderful mother and soon to be grandmother and your daughter is lucky just knowing that she has your support. Prayers always, love, Colleen

Avatar universal
by knightrider, Sep 23, 2009
HI Ireneo, it's me LadySue. I'm usin Ken's space I guess. Read your message....my heart goes out to you and your daughter. Thank goodness you're there for her...probably the only sanity she has!!! Sound like her mother-in-law is one big pain in the butt!!! And that she has a "mama's boy" in a sense. Well, like you said, your daughter will hopefully see the light, so to speak and get her life straightened around....if not for her sake, for the babie's. Son-in-law is a jerk...but until she realizes that all you can do is be there if she starts to fall. And I'm sure you will be.
    Will keep in touch...the bright spot of all of this is before long you will have a lovely little grandchild to love and spoil. That's what gramma's arer for!! Take care...LadySue

167426 tn?1254086235
by SimplyStar, Oct 15, 2009
irene, I just now read all the posts here, as a retired OB nurse and also the mother of 5 of my own, I know that stress is never good for Mother or baby, this situation that your daughter is in is doing nothing but put stress on her.  Since you all seem to be involved in this situation, it is time  something concrete was done to either save the marriage or desolve it.  kids that bring their problems to their parents are kids that need help, it is never good to let a problem like your daughter is facing  go on and on. He sounds like he never had a chance to grow up and accept responsibility, the baby will definitly add a lot more of that, so take care of this before the baby is born. this is a case of mental abuse to her, she does not need to accept that, Leslee married a man that had been raised in a home that believed the father ruled, she quickly saw how he was trying to dominate her and gave him an ultimation, either you shape up or I leave, and he knew she meant it, any time he would try to muscle his way through something, all she said was "remember if you hit me,  I can hit back"  it worked for all the 31 years of their marriage.  Marty

1006035 tn?1485575897
by skepticalpeach, Oct 15, 2009
Whenever he says that he wants to kill himself, she needs to take it seriously. Even if she doesn't think he means it. Call the police and have him taken to the psych ward of a hospital. They may not admit him, but at least he will know that he can't say things like that and get away with it. A suicidologist at my old school told us that if suicidal people want attention give them more attention than they want and they'll think twice about using it as a manipulation device.

Also, if he actually is suicidal then he needs help and intervention can start with anyone. Untreated depression can take a huge toll on individuals and their families.

Avatar universal
by teddybears4ever2, Oct 16, 2009
I agree with my sister Diva2317.  I'd also like to add, is there any reason to believe he may be cheating?
She needs to think about the baby and think about getting out, before any permenant damage is done to either her or the baby.

187666 tn?1331173345
by ireneo, Oct 16, 2009
I've been avoiding writing anything because it's just the same old story - lazy husband, doormat wife. We've seen it all too often. But today got me wound up again.

My daughter has been feeling pretty good lately, excited about starting her Masters Program in Nov. Her husband has been going to college classes (kind of). At least he's got a schedule and doing more than sitting around. A couple days ago she and I talked about running errands together and maybe she could go book sorting with me today (for a library book sale). Sounded fun. But then I hadn't heard a word from her.

Got in touch with her this morning. I knew she had been getting plenty of calls from the schools for sub jobs. Perhaps she'd been busy with work. That would be nice to have some income to pay the bills. Instead she told me that she couldn't go with me because she had to drive hubby to school. Hmmm? I asked if his car was broken. Nope. It was a matter of parking. Oh, I asked if parking cost a lot. Nope, it's free but it's hard to find a place and he would have to walk across the parking lot. I blew up at that point and said some nasty thing. I told her I'd better go before I say more nasty things because I was angry.

As for work, she hasn't taken any of the jobs because then she wouldn't be there to drive lead bucket to school. I did write an email to her today. I told her she has plenty of training and experience dealing with kids that don't want to do what needs to be done. She should use those skills on that 6 foot "kid" she's married to. Just spell it out - when she gets the chance to work, he can just drive himself to school. If she's free, she can give him a ride. If he yells that she doesn't care or isn't supportive, she can tell him that by taking care of all the responsibilities around the home and working to pay the bills, she is being supportive. She's freeing him up to focus on his education. If he pouts and chooses not to go to class then, it's his decision, not a failure on her part.

I think I'm still pretty ticked off. Give me a few days to calm down. I want to go kick some rear ends. He's a big baby and she's allowing him to act that way. Both need a good swat some place.

483733 tn?1326798446
by TrudieC, Oct 16, 2009
Oh I can feel your frustration from here.  What on earth is she going to do when the baby comes?!!  Is she doing this just so he'll go to school?  Irene, so glad you got to vent here.  I will keep her in my prayers and hope she comes to her senses very soon.

Hugs, Trudie

365714 tn?1292199108
by MJIthewriter, Oct 16, 2009
Reading this, and wow, that's really sad about your daughter and son in law. Could there be any chance he has a video gaming addiction? I mean seriously. That is a very real addiction. You can find quite a few resources about gaming addictions. It works just like any other kind of addiction, the denial, trying to hide it, blaming others, etc...Recovery from such addictions takes having to realize he has that problem and work on steps to overcome it. But if he hasn't realized it, then he's going to keep on doing what he is doing...

I just know what I was like when playing stupid little games like neopets and I really don't want to be the same person I was back then. It was not cool.

390388 tn?1279636213
by Me967, Oct 16, 2009
I feel for you, your daughter and son in law...not to mention your mother  I don't know exactly what to say other than I hope an pray that God will answer all of this in his own way.   Love Always;  Amy.


Avatar universal
by Thinline, Oct 16, 2009
Irene hi, it's been ages! I have been unable to get onto this site but whatever the problem was it's now fixed! You are one of the nicest people I've ever communicated with, and I'm so sad to hear that things are so difficult for you at the moment. I don't really know what to say about your daughter and son in-law, I have such a tolerant and loving husband so it's hard for me to put myself in her position, but threatening suicide and things like that is also a form of abuse, I'd encourage her to move out for a bit and have a break from the abuse. At least she'd be able to chill a bit and start to enjoy being pregnant. Can she stay with you for a a bit? Wish I could stay with you, you'd perk me up with your wonderful tales of amazing creatures!!!!

I may be coming to the US, waiting to hear if I'm accepted on a special heart programme, but it's still too soon to know. I'll be near Washington DC at a place in Maryland. How far are you from there? I'd love to speak to you in person or on the phone. You were always so supportive of me and all my troubles, I've always wanted to actually meet you. Your daughter is a lucky girl to have you as her mom.

329994 tn?1301663248
by lvfrogs, Oct 17, 2009
Oh Irene,
It stinks, doesn't it? Little kids, little problems, Big kids, big problems. I am with you all the way!!! He is...well, not sure what the word is, but come on, drive yourself to school and walk your lazy a** to class. Your daughter should not be putting up with this but I am not living it, she is....I just get so mad when I read your stories about them and wish things would be better for her. It must be so incredibly frustrating for you.  But then, they are adults and not much you can do about that but if I was her, I wold for sure start putting my foot down. She needs to be happy and healthy for this baby!
Many hugs for you,
Colleen

187666 tn?1331173345
by ireneo, Oct 29, 2009
This is so off the subject of my daughter. In case anyone wants to know, she's feeling better, still with the husband that doesn't move much. But since she's feeling better, she's getting on with her own business (Master's degree, getting rid of things to make room for the baby, etc.) while he sits.

But back to my "off subject" subject: talked to my Mom this evening as usual. I spent Wed. with her, took her to a very long doctor appointment. She was so happy to have this new doctor. Loved all the attention. Now the doc is going to do blood work and a CT scan of her neck. She's had a lymph node that keeps going up and down for the past year. It's concerned me and the previous doc just said they do that sometimes. This doctor is going to look into it more. My Mom was thrilled, so excited that the doctor called her at home, wants to send her in for the test and then went on to say "I might even have cancer." I wanted to throw up. Yes, that has entered my mind and it's worried me a bit. My Mom may not be the most pleasant, positive person to be around but I don't wish that disease on anyone. And here she sits with a bubbly attitude saying she may have cancer.

Yes, she craves attention and she's lonely. But this reminds me of my Dad. He loved to go to the doctor. Whether it was for his various heart attacks (talked the whole time he was in ER), his heart failure or even the oncologist at the end. Now my Mom is acting the same way. I know she loves to go to ER and have people hovering over her. She even commented one evening on the way home from ER, "Gosh, that was fun." But she has no idea what having cancer is all about. She tells people she's had cancer 5 times. What she really means is she's had tests and minor surgery to check for cancer. Not the same thing.

I seriously hope she doesn't have cancer. She wouldn't be able to tolerate any of the treatments. She won't take her meds now because she's afraid of side effects. She even told my husband, "Looks like I won't be around much longer." What is she hoping for? This is too bizarre, even for her.

I don't know what it's like to be 81 and alone but I hope not everyone is like this.

irene

483733 tn?1326798446
by TrudieC, Oct 29, 2009
Oh my.  Something definitely sounds off in her thinking.  I really hope she doesn't have to find out the reality.  Being a member of the sandwich generation can be so challenging.  You are an extremely strong woman and sounds like you're going to need that strength over the next while.  

Hugs to you, Trudie

Avatar universal
by Lisi251, Oct 30, 2009
Hi Irene- I am sorry that your family is going through this,sounds to me like it will get much worse not better if she stays with him. I was in a abusive situation for many years & what happens is you care for the person so much & they make
you feel so sorry for them that you will not let family know anything until it can no longer be avoided.He also used to say he would kill himself & one day I realized he wouldnt he loved himself to much!!!I hope All you can really do is be there for her & when shes sick of it she will leave.Its just sad when your like me & it takes so many years to realize & you waste
the best years of your life.

Good luck........Lisa

329994 tn?1301663248
by lvfrogs, Oct 31, 2009
Oh, Irene,
You know I understand. I don't have words of wisdom because I am going through the same thing basically and struggling. I do think part of it is she is lonely, like my mom. and then they want attention and sometimes the best way to get it, is to tell everyone how sick you are, how bad you feel....anything to get attention. Yet, if they would just get involved in something, meet people, they would be healthier and happier.
Your daughter, I hope will make the right decisions. What will be best for her and the baby.
I keep you all in my prayers Irene. You are one strong woman and it is taking alot for you to be dealing with all these issues. Please remember to take time for yourself.
Hugs,
Colleen

458072 tn?1291415186
by peggy64, Oct 31, 2009
Hi Irene, I don't know your mom, but just from hearing about her, it sounds like she is so lonely that any kind of attention is better than none.

You do seem to have a lot on your plate, as most of us do these days, just different items....

  take care of yourself and get  yourself some rest.

187666 tn?1331173345
by ireneo, Nov 09, 2009
I can't see where I've posted this any place so a tiny update. After all the stress of dealing with my Mom for the past year and our daughter having many problems at home, we took a small trip to the coast in October for my birthday. Got home and our youngest son came over with home made soup. He's quite the cook. He also told us his live-in girl friend was pregnant. I was too tired to even react. He made it clear that he was going to do all her could to take care of her and the baby. This wasn't what they had planned but they were going to make it work.

Last night we got a call from him that she was in ER with some bleeding. We raced over there. He was with her and she looked OK but they were both nervous. After the US it turns out the baby's heart had stopped. They were both crying and very upset. So even though it wasn't exactly planned, they were looking forward to this child.

We don't have grandkids yet so this was hard to lose one so soon. Our daughter is still pregnant but it's going to be hard to tell her. The two women have been trading pregnancy stories and information.

Life is full of surprises. Wish I wasn't getting so many.  irene

483733 tn?1326798446
by TrudieC, Nov 09, 2009
That is so sad.  I lost 4 along the way with the first one being a surprise just as in this case.  My heart goes out to them.  You are certainly one strong lady for so much to be balanced on your shoulders.  

Prayers, love, and hugs to you.

Trudie

329994 tn?1301663248
by lvfrogs, Nov 09, 2009
Irene,
I am so very sorry to hear this. I, too, lost 2 babies to miscarriage. It is not something that you ever forget. I am sorry that you have lost a grandchild. It is very hard, I hope you will take the time to grieve.  I will keep all of you in my prayers. Many hugs, Colleen

203342 tn?1328737207
by April2, Nov 09, 2009
Irene, I'm so sorry you and your daughter have gone through so much here. My heart goes out to both of you. I pray things will look up soon. Hugs and blessings,
April

460830 tn?1347219306
by stacys_aunt, Nov 09, 2009
IRENE,
  I'M SORRY YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE GOING THROUGH SO MUCH, ESPECIALLY ALL AT ONE TIME. YOU ARE ALL  IN MY PRAYERS.
                                            GOD BLESS,
                                            BEVERLY

Avatar universal
by knightrider, Nov 09, 2009

I'm sorry to hear.U just got to be one strong women.

1046985 tn?1305117048
by wannasmile63, Nov 10, 2009
Irene,
So sorry to hear about the loss of your little grandchild. Losing a baby at any stage of pregnancy is very traumatic. I lost my little girl at 5 1/2 months into my pregnancy, her 20th birthday would have been this Friday coming. Seems like for some, it never rains, but it pours, but it makes us the people we are. Love and hugs to you all, and praying for good things ahead,
take care,
Maurita

187666 tn?1331173345
by ireneo, Nov 10, 2009
I want to thank you all for the kind words and prayers. That sounds trite but I do mean it when I say I appreciate it.

It has been an odd year with so much stress happening at once. Perhaps I've been spoiled with a blessed life up to now.

Last night my son kept calling and asking questions, looking for encouragement as she went through the process of cramps and actually losing the baby. A difficult thing for them. My prayer is that it will bring them closer together. As painful as this is, it's a memory and experience only the 2 of them will share forever.

Thank you all. I hope I don't have any life updates any time soon. I'm looking forward to some boring days ahead.

hugs to you,  irene

390388 tn?1279636213
by Me967, Nov 10, 2009
Aww.  So very sorry to this news update.  Will say a prayer for all of you.  ((((HUGS)))),  Amy.

187666 tn?1331173345
by ireneo, Nov 23, 2009
Another update on my daughter. She's been feeling so much better, been able to do quite a bit of work as a substitute teacher. A couple weeks ago the doctor noticed her cervix is shorter than normal. Hmm. Checked it again today and it's very short. Now she's considered at high risk of losing the baby (22 weeks along). She goes in tomorrow to the hospital that handles high risk pregnancies. Not sure what they'll decide.

My worry is that they may put her on bed rest till delivery. That means no more work. And her husband has been adamant about not working himself. I asked her about this and she said he would just have to get a job. But knowing him he'll probably find a 100 excuses to not find work. I'm very worried about her health and the stress of dealing with her lazy, demanding husband. This is a guy that wouldn't even empty the trash or clean the litter box when she was first pregnant and passing out. I'm not very confident that he'll step up to the plate now and help. I know - pretty negative outlook but he hasn't given me any reason to expect more.

I'll drop by tomorrow night and let you know what the hospital says. Please pray for her.

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by lvfrogs, Nov 24, 2009
oh, Irene, I will definitely keep her in my prayers. I am so sorry to hear this. I hope and pray that she will not lose the baby. They probably will put her on bed rest. My prayer will be that her husband does step up to the plate. You wonder, how could he not? But his past does not bode well.  Sending those prayers up now and always, please let us know what the doctor says,
Hugs for you,
Colleen

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by Katie116, Nov 24, 2009
Reading about your life, I'm mad as hell at your daughter's stupid husband. When you are in the midst of something like your daughter is in, it's hard to think straight. Everything seems foggy. Once she leaves him, and surely eventually she will, she will feel the weight of the world lifted off her shoulders. I'm so sorry about your son's loss, and I hope your daughter & baby pull through their current ordeal.

Your mom sounds like she should be on a tv sitcom. How does it feel to be the only sane one in the bunch?

My best friend and I marvel often. We are called 'strong,' but truly, we are just responsible people and unlike your loafing son-in-law, we believe that you just have to get up each day and keep on keeping on. There's no other choice, really. When your daughter finally leaves him, maybe he will derive a bit of understanding. He's responsible for his own happiness - or unhappiness, as is your daughter.

Wishing the best for you &  yours - Kaye

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by ireneo, Nov 24, 2009
Just heard from our daughter. A very long appt. at the hospital. As of right now she's on complete bed rest. She's allowed a total of 2 hours a day of being upright. She can't even sit up to work on the computer or watch TV. She has to be in a reclining position. They'll check her again next week. If the cervix is still shortening, she'll have to be hospitalized for the next 8 weeks until the baby is developed enough to deliver. And that's not even full term. The baby isn't officially due till the end of March.

She was in the car with her husband so I have no idea what they'll do for money or how long he'll actually help out around the house. I wanted to ask if he would get a job NOW but I couldn't.

We've lost one unborn baby (son and his girlfriend). I hope we don't lose another. And with her cervix being so sensitive and sore (unknown reason), I doubt that she'd do any better if she got pregnant again. This may be her only chance.

irene

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by TrudieC, Nov 25, 2009
Irene, so sorry to hear this.  I am thinking that it is actually a positive thing for her and the baby.  It will almost be best if she can be in the hospital or stay with you.  This is her boyfriend's chance to show his true colours.  If he fails at getting a job or supporting her through this she may finally become strong enough to sever the ties.  She can't bail him out this time.  I will pray that she and the baby can survive this crisis.

Love and hugs, Trudie

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by lvfrogs, Nov 25, 2009
Irene,
I am so sorry about this. This is heartbreaking. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers, that she can make it through and deliver a healthy baby. Will she have any kind of help at home? I know her husband won't be much of one, so what is she going to do? Will you have to do it all? I hate for you to take on more too. You are already doing so much for your mom.
Sending you much love,
Colleen

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