Sep 12, 2009
I have decided that if i am not pregnant by the end of the year, then we will be calling it quits. I'm really tired of thinking about all this cr*p. I'm tired of bding on command, tired of peeing on things, tired of feeling envious of my friends, tired of feeling that for some reason God has forgotten about me. I'm tired of spending money on things that dont work and most of all I am tired of disappointing my poor DH.
A tiny part of me is scared that DH will leave me 15 years from now and hook up with a younger woman who can give him children. That would just kill me.
I dont think that reading the stupid book about the 39 year old who gets pregnant by accident. Makes me want to scream "39 YEAR OLDS DO NOT GET PREGNANT BY ACCIDENT!!!" Its such a shame because up until now I was really enjoying the book! Now it is just making me mad to read it.
Maybe I am not right in the head today. I dunno. All I know is that this past month has been very very hard on me and i dont have anyone to talk to at home who understands. I feel dumb talking about it. I feel dumb crying as in the grand scheme of things my life is good. I am so tired of failing. I know that i shouldnt let this get the better of me, and that thinking and stressing is not going to help in the long run. I just dont know anything anymore. Why the he!! did I get that positive test.... what a cruel joke.
I feel like punching something. I better get my butt to the gym. Maybe that will make me feel better. its not gonna make me feel worse.