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The Black Cloud That Won't Go Away

Oct 03, 2014 - 10 comments

There's nothing like the black cloud that won't go away.  No matter how things are looking up we always seem to get knocked back down.  It makes me wonder ARE we meant to have a child?  Things were going good and then Brian had to have back surgery.  I patiently waited as he healed from this.  Many trips to his neurosurgeon and then surgery.  Many trips to therapy and we were well on our way.  I finally felt good enough to make Brian an appointment with my urologists to see where we were on his SA.  I was praying for good results.. I mean they couldn't get worse as the last one we had it showed he had ZERO sperm.  Then I had to cancel because Brian got sick, we were in and out of the ER and hospital.  He was admitted twice in a weeks time.  He's so afraid of chest pains because of his brother passing about 4 years ago from a massive heart attack.  I try to remind him that Jake wasn't living the "healthy" life.  He took pills that were not prescribed to him, he would mix pills and add in alcohol.  It was inevitable.  He lived a dangerous life.  I know Brian will always worry but I'm hoping after having an echocardiogram AND a heart catheter with us getting amazing results this will ease his worry.

So we've been past the whole hospital ordeal for about 2 weeks now and then we get the call.  Our sister n law has passed away.  This is the lady that was married to Jake (Brian's brother) and lived a dangerous life as well.  She got really sick, so sick  that they saw a mass on her pancreas and couldn't do a biopsy because they didn't think she'd live through it.  She had constant infection and was on 4 different antibiotics that wasn't even helping.  Long story short after 2 months in UAB her heart gave out on her at 5:30 am on Sept. 26th.  She was only 47 years old.  Jake passed 4 years ago and he was only 46 at the time.  Together they left behind 2 boys.  The oldest is 27 years old now and the youngest is only 15.  We had the funeral Wednesday and was hoping to move forward from this, start  healing and then we find out at 11:30 last night that Wayne (my cousin Marie's husband) has passed away. He passed from cancer and was only 37 years old. My cousin Marie was found dead 6 years ago this month in a tanning bed.  They said she had a heart attack.  She would have migraines and was known for taking Goody's. She also would drink energy drinks and or take energy pills like Stackers and so forth.  Together they left behind my little cousins Christopher 21, Nicole 17 and Haley 14.  When Marie passed they were so young.  I just couldn't imagine. :(

With these 2 passing's I sit back and my heart just breaks.  I can't imagine losing a parent, much less both as young as they all are.  

It's weird because it's like things are repeating.  In October 6 years ago in 2008 we lost 2 people 3 weeks apart.  That was my father in law on Oct. 6th and then my cousin Marie on Oct. 28th.  


I feel cursed?  Every time we try to jump back on the fertility/answers bandwagon we get knocked back down.  That's a constant loss in itself and then having to go through all of this.  I'm so ready for this black cloud to fade away.  I want the sunlight hitting my soul again and bringing back my hope.  

If you don't mind please keep us all, especially those kids in your thoughts and prayers.  It's going to be a rough time for all of them.  Especially with both parents being gone now.  


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by MyMelBgirl, Oct 03, 2014
My mind is so cluttered right now Des that I can't write out what I want to say exactly at this moment. I've never been close to my parents and I still can't imagine them being gone or how devastating that would feel. I hope everyone there gets the comfort they need right now to help them grieve their loss.
Lots of love
E

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by Des_a_rae, Oct 03, 2014
Thank you so much Ellen.  I don't know what I really want to say or know how to feel at this moment either. My heart breaks for these kids.   I know they all have a long road ahead of them.  They've had to grow up way before their time.  I wished I could take it all back and let them enjoy being kids.  They've all had rough childhoods and then to lose a parent, breaks my heart.  

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by mhv, Oct 03, 2014
I am somsorry for all the things going on in your life.  It is piling on for sure.
But, Des, NONE of these things are meant to show you that you aren't suppose to have children!  It is life, it's just getting in the way. :(. They are not "signs" from the universe that you are suppose to have kids.
If anything, it should prove to you how much you WANT to have babies and will keep you working towards that goal!  It's always on your mind...it's your heart's desire.  
Do not give up!  


961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Oct 03, 2014
I am somsorry for all the things going on in your life.  It is piling on for sure.
But, Des, NONE of these things are meant to show you that you aren't suppose to have children!  It is life, it's just getting in the way. :(. They are not "signs" from the universe that you are suppose to have kids.
If anything, it should prove to you how much you WANT to have babies and will keep you working towards that goal!  It's always on your mind...it's your heart's desire.  
Do not give up!  


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by Des_a_rae, Oct 03, 2014
Thank you so much Melissa.  It's so hard to deal with.  It's one thing to deal with daily struggles..to deal with the things that happen in life such as death..but it's so overbearing and overwhelming when they all pile on together.  I thought I dealt with infertility pretty good.  Sure I think I could use therapy.. I'm sure I could deal with it a lot better if I did but I try to push on but when all of this happens in such a short period of time starting from Brian's surgery until now, I'm about to go crazy.   I will make that appointment..maybe not tomorrow but I WILL do it!  All I can think about is being pregnant, experiencing pregnancy, giving birth, picking out a name and watching him or her grow.  I want to smother him or her with love.  I want my parents to have a grandchild and my sweet Sophie to have a sister or brother.  I want to experience all of this and I WILL push on.  The end seems so far away and hopefully I'll get there.  Hopefully it's sooner than later.  

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by marsi2, Oct 03, 2014
Des! I'm sorry for all you, your hubby, and your families are going through. You will all be in my prayers! As far as your desire for a family, like Mel said, don't give up on that dream! It's a beautiful experience and so so so worth it. No matter the cost. For whatever reason, some of us have to work a little harder at making that dream come true...And that's ok.It's just THAT much sweeter when it comes true! Chin up, my dear! Sending you lots of hugs!
Maria

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by pb95, Oct 03, 2014
You are in my thoughts and prayers Des.  Too much for one person to endure.  I know it all makes us question what is right and wrong.  I really believe you will get there Des!

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by Des_a_rae, Oct 03, 2014
Thank you so much Marsi and Pb.   I'm so thankful for all the support from my friends here.  I'm truly grateful!  You're absolutely right Marsi, we do work harder but I know it'll be that much sweeter to finally have a precious little one in my arms.

Pb you're right also, I can't help but question why is all of this happening.  I hate all the questions, it makes it that more depressing really.  WHY can't it be easy?  Any and all of it.  ugh!  

Thank you ladies again.  

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by KTowne, Oct 04, 2014
I'm thinking of you Des, it is so painful losing people close to you, but that many so close, it's terrible. I'll be praying for you and your DH!

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by Des_a_rae, Oct 04, 2014
Thank you so much KTowne.  It's a lot to handle, I'm not going to lie.  It weighs on you, especially when it's quiet and you're alone with your thoughts.  Your prayers mean so much, thank you!  

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