Oct 03, 2014
There's nothing like the black cloud that won't go away. No matter how things are looking up we always seem to get knocked back down. It makes me wonder ARE we meant to have a child? Things were going good and then Brian had to have back surgery. I patiently waited as he healed from this. Many trips to his neurosurgeon and then surgery. Many trips to therapy and we were well on our way. I finally felt good enough to make Brian an appointment with my urologists to see where we were on his SA. I was praying for good results.. I mean they couldn't get worse as the last one we had it showed he had ZERO sperm. Then I had to cancel because Brian got sick, we were in and out of the ER and hospital. He was admitted twice in a weeks time. He's so afraid of chest pains because of his brother passing about 4 years ago from a massive heart attack. I try to remind him that Jake wasn't living the "healthy" life. He took pills that were not prescribed to him, he would mix pills and add in alcohol. It was inevitable. He lived a dangerous life. I know Brian will always worry but I'm hoping after having an echocardiogram AND a heart catheter with us getting amazing results this will ease his worry.
So we've been past the whole hospital ordeal for about 2 weeks now and then we get the call. Our sister n law has passed away. This is the lady that was married to Jake (Brian's brother) and lived a dangerous life as well. She got really sick, so sick that they saw a mass on her pancreas and couldn't do a biopsy because they didn't think she'd live through it. She had constant infection and was on 4 different antibiotics that wasn't even helping. Long story short after 2 months in UAB her heart gave out on her at 5:30 am on Sept. 26th. She was only 47 years old. Jake passed 4 years ago and he was only 46 at the time. Together they left behind 2 boys. The oldest is 27 years old now and the youngest is only 15. We had the funeral Wednesday and was hoping to move forward from this, start healing and then we find out at 11:30 last night that Wayne (my cousin Marie's husband) has passed away. He passed from cancer and was only 37 years old. My cousin Marie was found dead 6 years ago this month in a tanning bed. They said she had a heart attack. She would have migraines and was known for taking Goody's. She also would drink energy drinks and or take energy pills like Stackers and so forth. Together they left behind my little cousins Christopher 21, Nicole 17 and Haley 14. When Marie passed they were so young. I just couldn't imagine. :(
With these 2 passing's I sit back and my heart just breaks. I can't imagine losing a parent, much less both as young as they all are.
It's weird because it's like things are repeating. In October 6 years ago in 2008 we lost 2 people 3 weeks apart. That was my father in law on Oct. 6th and then my cousin Marie on Oct. 28th.
I feel cursed? Every time we try to jump back on the fertility/answers bandwagon we get knocked back down. That's a constant loss in itself and then having to go through all of this. I'm so ready for this black cloud to fade away. I want the sunlight hitting my soul again and bringing back my hope.
If you don't mind please keep us all, especially those kids in your thoughts and prayers. It's going to be a rough time for all of them. Especially with both parents being gone now.