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4 days until surgery and feeling scared.

Oct 03, 2014 - 10 comments

Oh man.  This week has been so hard and traumatic I don't know if I can even write about it.  But I have to get it off my chest.  On Sunday night I did not sleep a wink, not at all.  Monday was a busy day as I am preparing my business to leave for 2 weeks, the longest I have left it since I began 2 years ago.  I was feeling foggy and confused all day but chalked it up to lack of sleep.  I was in class that afternoon teaching Musical Theatre with my co-teacher.  Those kids always make my troubles go away.  They are so precious.  Suddenly, I was hit by a wave of pain that made me stagger.  It was so intense I thought I may vomit and I limped to the bathroom.  Thankfully my students had their noses in a script and did not notice.  I felt a rush and when I went to the bathroom I realized I had begun to bleed.  For the third time in 30 days.  Like a faucet turned on high.  The pain was indescribable.  I took a pill and managed to make it through the rest of class in a reclined position, allowing my co-teacher to deal with the class.  I had to get a ride home because I could not drive.  The rest of the week has remained the same.  The bleeding has not slowed, in fact it has sped up....I am passing clots the size of my fist and I wish I could describe the pain to you....But there are no words.  This surgery cannot come soon enough.  I saw my GP yesterday and she didn't even know what to say.  She thinks I need to up the pain meds prior to surgery because she is worried about the toll this is taking on me.
I have not slept more than 2 hours a night all week because the pain...I can't get it under control.  I have tried meditating, heat, deep breathing, essential oils.  I have to take large amounts of Gravol because it makes me so nauseous I am unable to eat.
A has been making me red meat all week.  A roast, beef Pho, filet....I can't eat.  Not to mention lots of spinach and Kale.
I have been in a tunnel and I can barely function.
I finished my last class lastnight and now all I have to do is banking and some emails.
I am afraid about surgery.
I am trying to be positive but it's really hard.
The bright side of this is at least the bleeding started this week and not next.  I hope it stops soon but is showing no signs of slowing down.
I have been crying a lot.
No one can reach me, not even Andrew.  I know he is scared too and feeling helpless but I cannot even communicate.  All my energy is going into dealing with the suffering.  I can't find a distraction from it.
Lord MH.
Please pray for me.  Lift me up.  I need comfort so desperately and I cannot find it any of the usual places.  Not in my man, or my parents, not in my work, not even in sleep.
I am feeling altered and confused by the pain and lack of sleep.
I don't know what to do.

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1742220 tn?1331356727
by meegWpaw, Oct 03, 2014
I love you Lu.


242912 tn?1402543492
by Jade59, Oct 03, 2014
Hi Lulu, you don't know me but I've been following your posts.  My gosh but my heart hurts so badly for you.  4 more days sounds like an eternity I'm sure, but I hope it is some consolation, all this pain will end soon.  I am praying for you honey...♥

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by breezytoo, Oct 03, 2014
Hi Like Jade, you may not know me but I feel like I know you. My sis had the same symtoms a few years back and it was endometriosis, after surgery she was like a new person. I pray this is true (the new person part of course!) for you too Lu.
Your pain is almost over, or so we hope and pray for you.

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Oct 03, 2014
Thanks Ladies.
And nice to meet you Jade and Breezy (:

I have had this surgery before and YES I felt like a new woman.  I lived pain and symptom free for nearly 4 years.  But it came back and here I am.  My fear is that it is more than just the endo.  My surgeon has warned me as such.  I am trying to be positive but with so much time to think about the approaching surgery, I can't help but think about the possibilities.
I just need this to be over.  This day marks the actual day that this hell started one year ago.  I can't believe I made it through this year in this shape.  My quality of life has been pretty low the last few months especially.  It has humbled me to say the least.
Bless you for your support, your words, prayers and love.

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by PurrfectlyKrazy, Oct 03, 2014
I haven't heard from you in a while so have been very worried.  Please take care of yourself...tell that man of yours to treat you like the queen you are (I'm sure he already does).  You are in our prayers...always!

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by jugglin, Oct 03, 2014
Dear Lu -
I pray that God provide healing, strength, patience, wisdom, and guidance to your doctors.  I pray that you find comfort in knowing that you are in capable hands with your surgeons and with your hospital and A for recovery.  I pray you get the answers you have been seeking these many months that you have been in horrendous pain.  I pray that you are at peace with these answers.
Be kind to yourself.  Be good to you.  Peace to A and your mom who provide endless strength and support.
God has a plan for you Lu.  Whatever that plan may be, I pray that you embrace it knowing that it is a path picked out especially for you. A path with you in mind embroidered around the edges.
God bless you Lu!

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Oct 04, 2014
Awe J you are so lovely....Bless you.

I am sorry my correspondence hasn't been the best.  I've had a hard time keeping things straight this week.  I've been falling asleep like a rock and then waking up at 5 am after only 4 hours and cannot sleep, no matter what.  I've doubled up on the tryptophan and melatonin but once I am awake and aware of the pain it's game over.  This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life.
Andrew has been working double time trying to save money to take care of us during the next while because I've had to use all my business income for bills and paying extra staff.  It is great that he is taking care of this for us, and it is necessary...But I miss HIM.  I'm feeling quite alone.
I am arguing with my mom because she feels like just her and I should go over for my surgery.  Her theory is that men are not good in these situations of 'wait and see' that they are better being productive.  I know my dad is like this but I explained to her that there is NO WAY A can't be there with me.  Besides, my mom makes me feel anxious sometimes and A always makes me feel calm.  I don't want to hurt her feelings.  PLUS A's mom is insisting she comes as well.  It's nice that they all want to be there for me but part of me wishes it was just me and him.  I also did a kickstarter campaign to raise money to help cover the expenses because we have to rent a hotel room for 3 days and it's Thanksgiving weekend here so VERY expensive.  I was amazed that in less than 3 days I had reached my goal of $800.  Most of the people that donated were people I haven't seen in years.  One guy that I went on a date with once two years ago gave $100!!!  Crazy, right?  And then of course there were a few people from my community, other business owner's that kicked in a lot.  I felt weird asking for money but I didn't want my mom and A to have to come up with all that money on their own.
It costs $50 a day to park at the hospital!!!!
Anyways.  I'm feeling so exhausted and mentally foggy from lack of sleep and pain.  I have to go out and buy some new pj's and then I am going to come back and go to bed.  Our closest friends are coming for dinner (A is cooking) so it will be nice to have some chill time with them.  I need the distraction.
I love you MH friends...Check in again soon.

1742220 tn?1331356727
by meegWpaw, Oct 04, 2014
wow Lu can you start a fundraiser for me when I lose my job?  or to move up by you?  hey I researched Vancoo ile honey it has a lot of seismic activiteeee!!!  but its beautiful

the last big quake was in like 46 or something tho

A. needs to go.  Your mom needs to be there too I think. just my opine ... your the juj babe.  I think you can skip the mil but whatevs

bayba why you need them pjs today?



GET IN BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, and did I say GET IN BED???

gah I love giving advice I cant take myself

I love you baby.  sorry you are in such dire straits lil mama

take it ez and be good to you


1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Oct 04, 2014

We have never had a big shaker here!!  Not like y'all do down there.  They mainly happen out at sea.  You're right...They all need to be there I'm just feeling crabby towards my mom right now.

I am in bed!!!!!
I am just going out for an hour or so to pick some pretty pjs.  I'm gonna be spending lots of time in pj's!!!!

Yeah babes!  Take your own advice sometime won't you??  Wink wink nudge nudge.

1742220 tn?1331356727
by meegWpaw, Oct 04, 2014
yup  ::laughing::


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