Oct 03, 2014
Oh man. This week has been so hard and traumatic I don't know if I can even write about it. But I have to get it off my chest. On Sunday night I did not sleep a wink, not at all. Monday was a busy day as I am preparing my business to leave for 2 weeks, the longest I have left it since I began 2 years ago. I was feeling foggy and confused all day but chalked it up to lack of sleep. I was in class that afternoon teaching Musical Theatre with my co-teacher. Those kids always make my troubles go away. They are so precious. Suddenly, I was hit by a wave of pain that made me stagger. It was so intense I thought I may vomit and I limped to the bathroom. Thankfully my students had their noses in a script and did not notice. I felt a rush and when I went to the bathroom I realized I had begun to bleed. For the third time in 30 days. Like a faucet turned on high. The pain was indescribable. I took a pill and managed to make it through the rest of class in a reclined position, allowing my co-teacher to deal with the class. I had to get a ride home because I could not drive. The rest of the week has remained the same. The bleeding has not slowed, in fact it has sped up....I am passing clots the size of my fist and I wish I could describe the pain to you....But there are no words. This surgery cannot come soon enough. I saw my GP yesterday and she didn't even know what to say. She thinks I need to up the pain meds prior to surgery because she is worried about the toll this is taking on me.
I have not slept more than 2 hours a night all week because the pain...I can't get it under control. I have tried meditating, heat, deep breathing, essential oils. I have to take large amounts of Gravol because it makes me so nauseous I am unable to eat.
A has been making me red meat all week. A roast, beef Pho, filet....I can't eat. Not to mention lots of spinach and Kale.
I have been in a tunnel and I can barely function.
I finished my last class lastnight and now all I have to do is banking and some emails.
I am afraid about surgery.
I am trying to be positive but it's really hard.
The bright side of this is at least the bleeding started this week and not next. I hope it stops soon but is showing no signs of slowing down.
I have been crying a lot.
No one can reach me, not even Andrew. I know he is scared too and feeling helpless but I cannot even communicate. All my energy is going into dealing with the suffering. I can't find a distraction from it.
Please pray for me. Lift me up. I need comfort so desperately and I cannot find it any of the usual places. Not in my man, or my parents, not in my work, not even in sleep.
I am feeling altered and confused by the pain and lack of sleep.
I don't know what to do.