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So my mom and my b/f??

Sep 19, 2009 - 22 comments

All i got to say is why the **** do i always end up with stup** issues like this one!! Ok for starters lets just say i dont know what in the he** im going to do!! I have a fiance who used to treat me like shi* but not so much anymore!! And he always gets into it with my mom!! I love them both soo much and dont know what to do! I dont want to pick sides..but if i had to i would pick my mom because i wouldnt be here if it werent for her!! Anyways on that note this is not the first time they have gotten into an argument over something stupid!! He yells with soo much hate and my mom does alot for him and he takes it for granted!! But then my mom will go on to say that i should never be with him,..and i know she only wants me to be happy and have a good life! So i guess my question is what do i do..i dont talk to his mom like that and i honestly dont think there are  people out there who talk to there inlaws that way!! The fact is i dont want to let him go but i dont want to be with someone whoes going to treat my mother like that either!! Sooo...what now soo stressed out and dont know what to do!! Someone please tell me or at least give me some advice!!!

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189069 tn?1323402138
by babypooh, Sep 19, 2009
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard to be with someone you care about when they're behaving that way. I think you know what you have to do; leave him. I don't know your whole story, dear, but it sounds like he's not willing to respect your mother, even after everything she does for him. Often times we have to face reality and take that important step we're dreading; the quicker, the better. I know you don't want to leave him. But ask yourself if you're willing to go through this over and over.
Good luck! Be strong...

587315 tn?1333552783
by zodiacqueen, Sep 20, 2009
Anyone that disrespected any of my relatives would be gone in a heart beat.  That is a complete turn-off.  

If a man disrespects your mother, it is also disrespecting you.  Your mom's feelings are probably hurt over this.  She might feel like you should be stopping your man.

Be strong, put a stop to this BS and show him that you and your mother deserve respect.  You DO deserve it.  Stand up for yourself and your mom!!

518031 tn?1295575374
by jollyman069, Sep 20, 2009
if hr is treating you poorly, he will not change  sounds like it is a pretty easy descion....even if he didn't argue with mom

1013194 tn?1296459481
by dawnangela, Sep 20, 2009
No bf  should speak to ur mum like is so disrespectful, if my daughters bf spoke like that, he would never ever be back in my home..I know i tell my girl the same thing get rid of him, and if he ever done this in my home...well..he would never do it again:))

393685 tn?1425812522
by stella5349, Sep 20, 2009
I think you already answered your own questions by what you wrote in your journal.

1. you say = " I have a fiance who used to treat me like shi* but not so much anymore!! " - (Well... if he is treated YOUR mother like sh!t then in my opinion HE still is treating you that way.. )

2. you say = " I dont want to pick sides..but if i had to i would pick my mom "  ( There it is... but now what right?)

3. last - you say = "The fact is i dont want to let him go but i dont want to be with someone whoes going to treat my mother like that either! ( I say - he's not going to change - in fact it probably will get worse. It sounds like you have expressed it to him many times - but he wouldn't respect you - or your mother. Is that love really? not in my book.)

In my thought process -  I suggesting dumping his a$$. He's useless and truly has no respect for anyone, even you - or he wouldn't be so crabby and self centered. Sounds like it all about him and not the 2 of you.

Only my two cents here - but you were looking for suggestions and opinions right?

Take care and I wish you the best on whatever you choose.

Who  knows........ maybe if you threw him out of your life and really meant it - he may realize what a wonderful situation he really had and - whole heartedly come back in your life with an honest respect for everyone involved.

376148 tn?1309899577
by Rosa20, Sep 20, 2009
Thanks everyone..but you see the thing is we have two kids together and i think if it wasent for them i would probably be gone in a heartbeat no doubt it!! But you know they say you shouldnt stay together for he kids..but i am seriousy in a pickle here!! Its not how i would react it how my kids would miss him that would hurt me!!

Avatar universal
by Smilerdeb, Sep 20, 2009
Your kids are being hurt a lot more by you allowing all this to happen.
They didnt ask to be born into a relationship that isnt healthy.
And theres no reason to stay because of the ids.
I brought my 3 kids up alone and yes it was hard, but worth every minute of it.
I left my abusive Husband because the kids were getting mentally hurt too.
My Husband was Schitzophrenic resulting in suicide 12 months after I left him.
Sorry....but when it comes to kids.....leave him or get rid of him.
An abusive (not just physical but mental too) relationship is no good for any child.

Dont make the mistake I did and rely on your partner as your crutch.

272856 tn?1253445577
by KimberlyB, Sep 20, 2009
I dont even know you and what your bf does to you (and your mom) sounds like pure abuse and disrespect.
Why do you NOT want to leave him? Do you enjoy being disrespected and abused??
Why dont u show him how much you respect YOURSELF by commanding respect from others, as well as from ending things with him? If he loves you, he will grow up, learn how to respect others, and learn how to respect you.
Ask yourself why you would want to stay with anyone who disrespects you, and your mother, as human beings.
He is doing what he does because you allow him to get away with it.
You are not a victim to anything, unless you allow yourself to be.
Put him to the test. If he loves you, he will work on making some serious changes within himself, and go for counseling for his aggression and anger problems.
Good luck..and remember, when u learn to love yourself, others around you will love you.
If you dont love yourself, neither will anyone else...

272856 tn?1253445577
by KimberlyB, Sep 20, 2009 you think your kids are going to respect YOU by you staying with their abusive father?
You are bringing uneccessary drama and stress into your life and your kids' lives by allowing their father to stay with you.
Are u afraid of him? If strong FOR YOUR KIDS and show them what is right and wrong.
WRONG is to allow abuse into your home and into their lives.
Protect your kids by showing them what it means to have self respect and self love.
Showing your kids that its ok to allow their father to walk all over you is a BIG MISTAKE!

376148 tn?1309899577
by Rosa20, Sep 20, 2009
oh he dont walk over me and i am not scared of him what soever!! lol But i have talked to him and i think i am going to make him go to counciling!! Together or just him for some anger management!! But thanks for the advice ladies!!

1013194 tn?1296459481
by dawnangela, Sep 21, 2009
Well you cant make him go you know, he has to go if he chooses..but you can go..My mother was told many moons ago to go to councilling as she had a Alcoholic husband, she said me, why should i go, but she did as he wouldn't and it help her and us so much,,so you go even if he wont :) It will help you a lot..

458072 tn?1291415186
by peggy64, Sep 21, 2009
Show him this post.

You have gotten excellant advise here, and it is hard to leave because of the kids. Well, the kids won't always be there. then what. You have a lot to think about, but what you are doing is teaching your kids that it is okay to treat elders with no respect, and that is how they will end up treating you. And it will be because it is what you taught them.

Teach them self respect. Seperate for a while to give him time to decide what kind of lifestyle he wants, and you use the time to decide what kind you want.


376148 tn?1309899577
by Rosa20, Sep 21, 2009
actually my son has yet to learn because he is only nine months old...but my daughter who is five is very no matter how many of you girls think my kids will treat me no resppect! THIS i know will not be true..i teach my childern the difference!! My daughter knows better and my son will no better too!! So thanks for the advice but please if your going to tell me that my kids will grow up to learn no respect then your wrong and can keep your comments to yourself!

919176 tn?1283313641
by stephy20, Sep 21, 2009
Rose is a great mom. these arguements have nothing to do with her kids .. she came on here to get advice about her bf not how to raise her kids. i know her very well and these kids couldnt be brought up in a better enviroment then the one she gives them .. both of her kids have many people in there lives that love them .. including thier father .. he might have some issues but he is a great father he never ever acts this way to the point the kids will learn from them .. when he does get like this there are always people who love rose and her kids that make sure that they dont hear whats going on... so back to my point there was no need to bring in anything to do with her kids .. she only mention her kids because leaving him is harder said then done becasue she has two kids with him ... she came on here for advice and confert from other women that are in a situation like this... please be more thoughtful towards her she does the best she can ... but dont talk about her kids like that .. thanks

458072 tn?1291415186
by peggy64, Sep 21, 2009
I didn't say they were disrespectful NOW. GO back and reread the post. I said you are teaching them, and believe what you want, but they are watching you and what you allow is what they think is the way to go. You asked for advice and you got it. It wasnt what you wanted to hear, so you want to get upset. I say, don't ask if you don't want to hear. Or next time just ask for bear hugs and sympathy.

919176 tn?1283313641
by stephy20, Sep 21, 2009
she asked for advice on how she could go about her b/f's temper not on what you thought she was teaching her kids!! You believe what you want..i know as well as her that her kids are not around when any of this is happening! She would never say or do anything of the sort in front of her children! Next time if you want to post something thats sounds angry maby you should just keep it to yourself!! Also she wasent really looking for bear hugs and sympathy but im sure she will remember this post the next time you ask for help on something!!!

458072 tn?1291415186
by peggy64, Sep 21, 2009
Just because it was not what she wanted to hear means it was angry. I have nothing to be angry about. I don't know how she is raising her kids, I said nothing about that. I didn't say anything about what she says to them.  I said they see what is going on around them, and that is the truth, whether we like it or not.  I don't appreciate you accusing me of being something I am not, or doing something I did not do, nor do I appreciate you of saying I said something that I did not say.

1013194 tn?1296459481
by dawnangela, Sep 21, 2009
Oh come on...Don't the kids live with you and your guy, Then DUH they see what goes on...Of course its about the kids, they should be put before anything else..

1013194 tn?1296459481
by dawnangela, Sep 22, 2009
Also as advise was asked ppl will give it..dont want it dont ask it.. I see you didn't ask advise on the kids but you did mention you have them so obviously ppl are going to think these kids are in a hostile environment..No one has said that i can see your not a good Mother..But with the remarks made by you and your friend ( keep your comments to yourself ) Maybe the respect issues are not just with your b/f.. Good luck to you, hope you eventually work it out..

676912 tn?1332812551
by smjmekg, Sep 22, 2009
I grew up in a home where abuse was an understatement, of any type; physically/mental/verbal. You don't want to put your kids through this, believe me, this is coming from someone who's been there. You don't want your kids seeing all this. It would be a million times better for them to have to visit their dad because the two of you are apart, if they don't have to put up with seeing anything or hearing it. I haven't read every post that's been written, so sorry if you have already clarified where the kids are when this is going on. I did read the last few posts and some from the beginning, and I know some of it is wrong. I seriously doubt your kids will grow up not learning how to respect who they should. Growing up in an abusive home hasn't made me a bad person, and I have a lot of respect for people, and know better, because I was raised to respect people. BUT I hope I don't offend you by saying this, but I don't have respect for people who don't help themselves. I'm not saying I don't have respect for you. I'm talking about women in general who have abusive relationships and refuse to leave because they "love him", or it's for "the kids", if your relationship with him is over then there is NO reason for YOU to stay WITH him. Your kids can still see him, but you don't need to be with someone if the relationship is over. Even if your kids are completely blind to all that's going on, you need to respect yourself, and make him respect your mom, and if your mom is part of the problem, and the two of you can work on things, if it's not over, then she also needs to respect you and your decision to stay with him. I think the three of you should sit down and discuss all of this amongst yourselves. Or you should sit down with both of them first alone, and talk to them about how you feel. We can give you all the advice you want, but it can't change anything unless you act on it. I really do wish you the best of luck, because it is sad to see kids going through the divorce/break up of their parents. I saw first hand the affects on my seven year old, and three year old cousins. It's been over a year for them and they have moved to a new state and schools, and they're both doing great. The seven year old understands it all, and even told her mom she needed match (dot) com when she was ready. The three year old really wasn't affected, and the seven year old was sad at first, but she got over it quick when she started her new school and had new friends. I really do hope things turn out good for you, and that you do take some of the advice you're given to heart.

PS. Even if your kids aren't around when all this happens, when you're upset, they know it, and unless you put on a happy face all the time when you're with them, they may not say anything but they still know.

376148 tn?1309899577
by Rosa20, Sep 23, 2009
actually peggy i never said you said or did anything i actually ( if you go back and read my post) you will notice i KINDLY asked you not to post anymore comments if that is the way you feel!!! And dawnangela just for a statement here i never picked on anyone and pointed anybody out!!  meaning you just assumed i was talking to peggy!! AND i my dear do not have respect issues! I actaully respect everyones opinion..i dont expect everyones to be the same! EVERYONE is different,,,the more different the comments the better actually ...then i have more to choose from! So ladies thank you for your comments and please dont think i am mad about this journal or anything just take it as a learning experience! And peggy i am sprry if you think i was downing you in anyway! I am not like that at all...i just hate it when ppl try to say my kids will learn from things i know they wouldnt( only becauase when we do argue the kkids go with someone for a while until were done and all good again) So there i hope that clears everything up for everyone!!! :) Have a nice night girlies!! Again appericate the comments!! Made me relize alot!

376148 tn?1309899577
by Rosa20, Sep 23, 2009
smjmekg: thanks for your post! I kinda feel like i was getting everyone jumping on me. but hey i guess thats life right! YOu deal with what your dealt!! :) again thanks!!

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