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Night Panics? Help?

Oct 16, 2014 - 24 comments

With everyone going on in my life right now I feel literally at my "sane" ropes end. I feel like I'm drowning in fear/sickness and death.  We lost our sister n law about 3 weeks ago, then it was my cousins husband.. and now my brothers girlfriend.  I can barely type about it but she took her own life Tuesday morning.  She sent a text to my brother that just said "goodbye".  He rushed over there and went in the front door hollering for her.  He went out the back and there she sat on the back door steps, dead.  She had shot herself in the head.  Hannah lived a tortured life.  She was diagnosed schizophrenic about 4 years ago.  We've had a lot of ups and downs with her after she was diagnosed because none of us know anything about this horrible mental illness.  She was passed around foster home to foster home most of her childhood.  My brother met her almost 5 years ago and they haven't separated since.  She was never able to deal with stress/anxiety or failure.  We believe she took her own life because of this.  She was taking an accounting class that she couldn't cope with..she was failing and was so afraid to fail.  She took her life the day of her finals test.  She had told her doctors about 3 weeks ago about being anxious/nervous and all of those other emotions and they wrote her out a prescription for it.  We're also thinking this had something to do with it as sometimes they have "may cause suicidal thoughts" as a warning.  I feel so devastated.  How can I feel so bad and heartbroken over what has happened with her and feel even worse for my brother for being the one to find her???  I cry constantly thinking "what was going through her mind as she sat on those back door steps"?  We've been through all the what if's and all that and I know we'll never know the answers.  

Also, we've been told Brian's brother has stage 4 lung cancer. It has spread to his adrenal gland and he has cancer cells on the inside of his abdomen wall and on his liver.  Can things possibly get any worse??? He has his first appointment with the oncologists tomorrow.  They did say in the hospital that surgery was not an option and we all don't know what to think or expect.  

My debit card has been hacked.  I couldn't even buy my groceries yesterday. I felt like a fool standing there trying to swipe my card and it coming back as declined.  I felt like they were looking at me like I couldn't afford my groceries.  Like I was asking for a hand out or something??  So much stress!!!  There's been several other "hackings" around here lately and they finally got mine.  I'm just thankful the bank blocked it before it even went through.  She said we have plenty of money in there, they just blocked my card.  So now I've got to go fill out a paper for a new one.    I've decided to wear purple Saturday.  It's a color I never wear but I'm wearing it for Hannah as it was her favorite.  Her service is Saturday and I just pray for strength.  I know we'll all get through this.

Last night I have a dream and she was in it.  I dreamt that we were playing corn hole outside (like we have been a lot here lately) and we all were talking about something bad that had happened (can't remember what) and someone said we needed to pray about it.  So we all got down on our knees and leaned forward to pray.  I knelt down beside her and was rubbing her back.  I woke up with no air, I literally could not breathe.  I felt like I had just swam underwater for minutes and when you come out of the water to get that huge breath, that's what it felt like.  Are these night panics?  I pray it don't happen again, that was so scary.  

If you don't mind, please pray for us, especially my brother.  In time we're going to suggest therapy for him.  I can't imagine what he's going through and especially after seeing her.  

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790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Oct 16, 2014
Please don't mind the errors, I can barely think at this moment.  

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by KTowne, Oct 16, 2014
Oh Des my heart breaks for you!! You so do not deserve any of what life is throwing at you right now. Have you thought of talking to your doctor about something to help you manage depression/anxiety? I would be a mess if I was even going through half of what you were going through. If you woke up out of breath and having a hard time breathing, that definitely sounds like a panic related attack, and I feel like that's definitely "normal" for what you're going through. If it continues, definitely talk to your doctor and see if there's anything that can help you during this time. I'm praying for you and your family!

Avatar universal
by MyMelBgirl, Oct 16, 2014
I wish I could give you a big big hug & take away the pain you & your family are feeling/dealing with right now.  I think it is especially difficult to loose loved ones tragically & unexpected. I felt the same way with Jimmy.  I'm so sorry Des. I'm sorry about Hannah, Brian's brother, sister in law and your cousins husband. This is a lot of loss to grieve in a short period of time. I hope some peace is headed your way soon. I hope for this for you and your family.  I do always remember to pray for you all.
Lots of love,
E

2100308 tn?1388496839
by Yrmacias, Oct 16, 2014
Thinking and praying for you and your family.

2100308 tn?1388496839
by Yrmacias, Oct 16, 2014
Thinking and praying for you and your family.

2100308 tn?1388496839
by Yrmacias, Oct 16, 2014
Thinking and praying for you and your family.

2100308 tn?1388496839
by Yrmacias, Oct 16, 2014
Thinking and praying for you and your family.

2100308 tn?1388496839
by Yrmacias, Oct 16, 2014
Thinking and praying for you and your family.

2100308 tn?1388496839
by Yrmacias, Oct 16, 2014
Thinking and praying for you and your family.

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by renae176, Oct 16, 2014
Prayers out to you Des, Anxiety is hard, i hope you find some comfort. Il be thinking of you, Big Hugs

4548024 tn?1590005019
by renae176, Oct 16, 2014
Prayers out to you Des, Anxiety is hard, i hope you find some comfort. Il be thinking of you, Big Hugs

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Oct 16, 2014
Thank you all so much.  I really hope it doesn't happen again.  It was so scary waking up like that. If it does start happening often I will be seeking advice from a doctor.  

Her memorial service will be this Saturday and I'm praying we get through it.  It's so final and all I can think about is that's going to be it.. gone.  Then I think that's not true, she was gone Tuesday..  honestly, I'm confused what to think right now.  

I really appreciate everyone's kind words and prayers.  They mean so much.  

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Oct 16, 2014
Thank you all so much.  I really hope it doesn't happen again.  It was so scary waking up like that. If it does start happening often I will be seeking advice from a doctor.  

Her memorial service will be this Saturday and I'm praying we get through it.  It's so final and all I can think about is that's going to be it.. gone.  Then I think that's not true, she was gone Tuesday..  honestly, I'm confused what to think right now.  

I really appreciate everyone's kind words and prayers.  They mean so much.  

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by pb95, Oct 16, 2014
I have had it happen twice just a house away, but it wasn't anyone I knew personally so I can't imagine what you or your brother must be going through.  Sending you strength and prayers and hugs and hope you can in time make sense of what is going on lately.  Take care of yourself and Brian.

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by Godisfaithful, Oct 16, 2014
Praying for you and your family. Believe God...

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Oct 16, 2014
Thank you PB and Godisfaithful.    It's one of the worst things possible.  That phone call still plays in my head.  

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by Risa615, Oct 17, 2014
Des, so sorry you have so much going on. We are all here for you but you may also want to get some counseling to help you grieve. I know in the past it has helped me deal with issues I was going though. Sometimes talking to someone can help you process and let you feel back in control. Try to get some exercise too, go for a walk and most of all, crying is healthy! Sometimes after a good cry, you are ready to face another day. Sending you prayers that you will find peace and that things will turn around soon! Risa

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by Michelledj, Oct 17, 2014
Des, I'm so so sorry for all you and your family are going through right now, hope you can all find the strength to get through it all a day at a time.  Thinking of you all xx

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Oct 17, 2014
Thank you Risa and Michelle.  I've thought about getting the counseling for myself in the near future.  I don't know how much more I can take and things are setting off panic attacks/anxiety attacks?.  I was out shopping today to find something to wear tomorrow. I loathe shopping anyways and the whole time I'm so upset that I'm having to shop for clothes to wear to her memorial service.  I looked through 3 different department stores because I wanted something purple since it was her favorite color.  I just could not find anything!  I'm sure I was being to picky but it wasn't anything I was interested in.  Finally I found something and was trying it on in the dressing room and almost had a panic/anxiety attack in there.  The room started spinning and I could hear a baby crying, some woman having a conversation outside of the dressing room and it's like everything was spinning.  I cried out for Brian and thank god he was outside waiting.  

Any idea if these will get better with time??  I don't like this at all.  It's bad enough having to deal with so many losses at once and then a sudden loss but now panic/anxiety attacks.  

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by KTowne, Oct 17, 2014
I have never had panic attacks, however my mom did get panic attacks after her brother died 2 years ago, and she had quite a few immediately after his death, then they got better, but she was also seeing a psychiatrist and on depression medicine and sleeping pills because she just couldn't sleep. My heart just breaks for you, this has got to be the end of this nightmare for you, and I pray there's a giant friggen rainbow (pregnancy, happiness, healthy happy family), soon after!

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Oct 17, 2014
You're so sweet KTowne, thank you so much!!  I really hope and pray things get better.  It's got to!   I just pray I can be strong enough for my brother.  I can't imagine what he's feeling or going through.  

2020005 tn?1628125976
by KTowne, Oct 18, 2014
I'm thinking of you guys today, it's so hard saying the final goodbyes. Especially praying for your brother, I can't even imagine :(

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, Oct 18, 2014
Thank you KTowne, it's going to be rough. Just praying for strength.  The church had a small dinner for her family last night(and they included us, we were her family for the last 4 years) and he rode down there with us.  He was telling me that he dreaded it and today and I told him..."bubba, tomorrow is going to be the hardest but we will get through it.  We'll never "get over" it or forget about it but together we'll get past it."   I just pray I can be that strong today, for him.  

Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers!!  

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by Moma_Cher, Oct 18, 2014
Words cannot describe how sorry I am for all that you and your family are going through. This is just devastating to read and I just cannot fathom the amount of anguish you must be in. I'll be praying for you to get through this and for your anxiety attacks to stop. Sending you love and healing...

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