Oct 16, 2014
With everyone going on in my life right now I feel literally at my "sane" ropes end. I feel like I'm drowning in fear/sickness and death. We lost our sister n law about 3 weeks ago, then it was my cousins husband.. and now my brothers girlfriend. I can barely type about it but she took her own life Tuesday morning. She sent a text to my brother that just said "goodbye". He rushed over there and went in the front door hollering for her. He went out the back and there she sat on the back door steps, dead. She had shot herself in the head. Hannah lived a tortured life. She was diagnosed schizophrenic about 4 years ago. We've had a lot of ups and downs with her after she was diagnosed because none of us know anything about this horrible mental illness. She was passed around foster home to foster home most of her childhood. My brother met her almost 5 years ago and they haven't separated since. She was never able to deal with stress/anxiety or failure. We believe she took her own life because of this. She was taking an accounting class that she couldn't cope with..she was failing and was so afraid to fail. She took her life the day of her finals test. She had told her doctors about 3 weeks ago about being anxious/nervous and all of those other emotions and they wrote her out a prescription for it. We're also thinking this had something to do with it as sometimes they have "may cause suicidal thoughts" as a warning. I feel so devastated. How can I feel so bad and heartbroken over what has happened with her and feel even worse for my brother for being the one to find her??? I cry constantly thinking "what was going through her mind as she sat on those back door steps"? We've been through all the what if's and all that and I know we'll never know the answers.
Also, we've been told Brian's brother has stage 4 lung cancer. It has spread to his adrenal gland and he has cancer cells on the inside of his abdomen wall and on his liver. Can things possibly get any worse??? He has his first appointment with the oncologists tomorrow. They did say in the hospital that surgery was not an option and we all don't know what to think or expect.
My debit card has been hacked. I couldn't even buy my groceries yesterday. I felt like a fool standing there trying to swipe my card and it coming back as declined. I felt like they were looking at me like I couldn't afford my groceries. Like I was asking for a hand out or something?? So much stress!!! There's been several other "hackings" around here lately and they finally got mine. I'm just thankful the bank blocked it before it even went through. She said we have plenty of money in there, they just blocked my card. So now I've got to go fill out a paper for a new one. I've decided to wear purple Saturday. It's a color I never wear but I'm wearing it for Hannah as it was her favorite. Her service is Saturday and I just pray for strength. I know we'll all get through this.
Last night I have a dream and she was in it. I dreamt that we were playing corn hole outside (like we have been a lot here lately) and we all were talking about something bad that had happened (can't remember what) and someone said we needed to pray about it. So we all got down on our knees and leaned forward to pray. I knelt down beside her and was rubbing her back. I woke up with no air, I literally could not breathe. I felt like I had just swam underwater for minutes and when you come out of the water to get that huge breath, that's what it felt like. Are these night panics? I pray it don't happen again, that was so scary.
If you don't mind, please pray for us, especially my brother. In time we're going to suggest therapy for him. I can't imagine what he's going through and especially after seeing her.