Oct 17, 2014
I can hardly see the computer screen because my tears are so thick. I have the worst pain I have ever felt. And I've felt a lot of pain. Like A LOT. I am 8 days post op and today...today...The pain has made me vomit, twice. The pain meds don't even take the edge off and you know, they're strong. The big guns. I feel like I have a hot knife inserted in my cervix, through my bladder, out my back. Why? Why now? I'm not swollen. My wounds are healing fine. I haven't moved barely a muscle in a week. I've been waited on hand and foot. The most exertion I've had was going to the doctor. I'm going again tomorrow. And vomiting. God. Vomiting and heaving after you've just had surgery on your abdomen is a special kind of hell. I can't do this anymore. I swear to God I can't. I held on, you know I did, so hard and long to this surgery. The surgery that removed the stuff. The stuff that was making my life HELL. The only problem is now it is gone, but my body doesn't realize it? IDK. I know I have a bladder infection but I'm high dosing Cipro so that can't be it. It comes in waves. This pain has it's own heart beat. It has it's own planet and IT IS HOLDING ME HOSTAGE!
I can't endure this much longer. What do I do? Keep taking pain meds till I pass out? I want to get off these damn things and I'm already concerned about the taper of the dosage that I'm taking. I feel so trapped.
This hot knife of pain is wreaking havoc on me. It is soul crushing. I'm literally watching the clock daring myself to hang on for just one minute. Then just a minute more. Andrew just got home from work to find me bawling like a baby after working a 12 hour day. I so want to greet him with a smile. He's been through this **** with me for the past 6 months. He's tired of it too.
I am just gonna pray and surrender to this pain because I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE. I am sweating from it, nauseous from it, consumed by it. There is nothing else right now. Only me and this pain. I want to kill it but it just won't die.