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Oct 17, 2014 - 10 comments

I can hardly see the computer screen because my tears are so thick.  I have the worst pain I have ever felt.  And I've felt a lot of pain.  Like A LOT.  I am 8 days post op and today...today...The pain has made me vomit, twice.  The pain meds don't even take the edge off and you know, they're strong.  The big guns.  I feel like I have a hot knife inserted in my cervix, through my bladder, out my back.  Why?  Why now?  I'm not swollen.  My wounds are healing fine.  I haven't moved barely a muscle in a week.  I've been waited on hand and foot.  The most exertion I've had was going to the doctor.  I'm going again tomorrow.  And vomiting.  God.  Vomiting and heaving after you've just had surgery on your abdomen is a special kind of hell.  I can't do this anymore.  I swear to God I can't.  I held on, you know I did, so hard and long to this surgery.  The surgery that removed the stuff.  The stuff that was making my life HELL.  The only problem is now it is gone, but my body doesn't realize it?  IDK.  I know I have a bladder infection but I'm high dosing Cipro so that can't be it.  It comes in waves.  This pain has it's own heart beat.  It has it's own planet and IT IS HOLDING ME HOSTAGE!

I can't endure this much longer.  What do I do?  Keep taking pain meds till I pass out?  I want to get off these damn things and I'm already concerned about the taper of the dosage that I'm taking.  I feel so trapped.
This hot knife of pain is wreaking havoc on me.  It is soul crushing.  I'm literally watching the clock daring myself to hang on for just one minute.  Then just a minute more.  Andrew just got home from work to find me bawling like a baby after working a 12 hour day.  I so want to greet him with a smile.  He's been through this **** with me for the past 6 months.  He's tired of it too.

I am just gonna pray and surrender to this pain because I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE.  I am sweating from it, nauseous from it, consumed by it.  There is nothing else right now.  Only me and this pain.  I want to kill it but it just won't die.



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5986700 tn?1380791380
by spider6, Oct 17, 2014
Jesus lulu, I hope my response finds you sleeping. I can't fathom your existence like this!  Please tell me you express your pain to your doctors the same way you articulate it here.  My god woman, why are you not in hospital?  I'm so sorry for your pain dear soul, I don't converse with you much here as I just don't know what I could ever do for you.  Your writing alone shocks me that you are so capable still to even put fingers to keyboard.  I have a hard time as I can physically empathize with your words and can't believe the extent of pain you're enduring.  Prayers for you lulu, if only they could find you and heal your agony. xo

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by jugglin, Oct 17, 2014
Dear Lu -
I wish I had words for you...I am not a medical person...I wish I was.  I do know that all of my surgeries caught me off guard with the pain (except my elective procedure).  I was always surprised how awful it was. However, if u have a secondary infection, the Cipro may not be strong enough. I am just glad that u were able to come here and vent. I am overjoyed that you go to the Dr today...they were always able to comfort me by either telling me it was normal, or by figuring out the issue (infection, tube movement, etc). So, I pray that you get answers and relief when you visit the Dr.  I pray that there is a simple answer and a simple fix.  I pray that you continue on your path. I pray that God gives A strength and patience as well.
God bless you Lu!

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by nonights, Oct 17, 2014
Honey I don't know anything to do to help you except pray for your health both mentally and physically and that's just what I am doing. Let us know status after Dr visit today. Ok?

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by msdelight, Oct 17, 2014
Girl are you taking demerol? It made me vomit post op. If not what are you taking? Maybe they can switch you.

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Oct 17, 2014
Ok I just got back from the doctor.  She did a thorough exam and basically said that I am not settling down at all.  She can feel the contractions with her hand.  She said I am not taking NEARLY enough pain meds.  She said she understands my fear but if I do not double my dose I am not going to heal.  She is concerned that I may have some internal bleeding happening around my wound sites and that is causing the pain.  The infection is not serious and almost gone.  She said that although my disease was in small places, the two places are FULL of nerve endings and they are all freaking out and I am not taking enough pain meds to deal with it.  I've still been taking the base of what I was taking pre-surgery with only a tiny bit more added in.  I have been doing this, cause you guys know why.  But I can't, can't deal with this pain.
I have had a lot of painful experiences- the endo, crohn's disease, torn ACL, broken tail bone, RA, etc.  Nothing has hurt as bad as this.
I had pain after my last surgery but I was so doped up on Fentanyl I didn't feel much.

No Ms.D I'm taking hydromorphone which is what I've been taking since end of June and it doesn't make me nauseous.  The big nodule of endo that I had was wrapped around my ureters and apparently the nerves there make you nauseous when they are irritated.  I always vomited the first two days of my period.  This is like that to the power of ten.
So I am to double my pain meds for the next 3 days and remain in bed.  I go back to see her on Tuesday so she can re-evaluate and if there is not an improvement she will call the surgeon and get me back in to be evaluated there.  We also called and left a message with the surgeon about what was happening and what our course of action would be.

I do feel relieved.  My mom is here cleaning the bathroom because it is gross.  She is going to try to cook me something bland that I can hopefully eat.  Andrew is very worried but he's working away and I just keep telling him it's okay.  We need the money.  I was hoping to go back to work next week, just part time, but I don't think that is gonna happen.

God grant me the serenity to get through this challenge.  I need to endure this test.  Hopefully things will get better soon.
I've been so worried about getting off these drugs but my doc said she's going to give me a very slow taper and that I will feel little to know w/d.  I cannot imagine going through withdrawal after going through all of this.

Thank you my friends.  I'm in a dark place but I can see the light and I will keep my heart and mind turned towards it.
Love
Lu

3197167 tn?1348968606
by clean_in_ks, Oct 17, 2014
So glad you got some answers and that your surgeon was informed of the plan.  AND...that you are going back Tuesday!

Please quit being a stubborn butt and TAKE the pain meds "AS DIRECTED">>>>>>OK???  

And....please surrender a little longer than you really want to before going back to work.  Next week?  Even part time that is CRAY CRAY LuluBell!!!  Yes, our entire pelvis is FULL of nerves.....I have dealt with chronic pelvic pain the past year and was shown a plastic model showing all the dang nerves in there!!  You have been cut on....you need to ALLOW yourself to heal....if you want to have a baby...this is CRITICAL girl!!  You just had surgery Oct 8th for heaven's sake!!
Work will STILL be there.....please get it out of your head that it won't be ok unless you are there.....that you need to get back asap....you DON'T....you need to heal properly so you have a healthy womb......

The lessons that keep popping up since this began seem to be repeating themselves....until we learn what we are suppose to learn....the teachers don't/won't "go away".  I mean.....resisting pain meds and resisting keeping your butt "down" and resting....resistance is the opposite of surrender, right?  Your plan and intentions are admirable...but can you please just do what you don't want to do for a little longer?  The goals are in site now.....as you said.:)
It's imperative to be gentle with yourself NOW......the surgery is behind you....the results were GOOD.....you can still have a baby.....
Find a way to bring the light to you......instead of thinking you have to go seek it.
Your Mom and A are a HUGE blessing......and I am grateful you are ok dear one.
Sending love and prayers,
Connie

3197167 tn?1348968606
by clean_in_ks, Oct 17, 2014
Dang submit buttons.....will you please delete my duplicate Lu?  Thankee~

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by atthebeach, Oct 17, 2014
Hey lu glad you got some answers today. Please continue to rest up. Be kind to yourself.
Let your body heal.
Sending prayers,

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Oct 17, 2014
Done and done.

The pain has subsided a bit.  I ate my first real meal since surgery and KEPT IT DOWN!  My bathroom is spic and span.  Why do men not know how to clean bathrooms?  For real, Andrew is a gem of a man but he can't clean a bathroom to save his life!!
I am watching Netflix.
I feel a little more human and for the first time in a long time like maybe everything is going to be okay.

I SURRENDER>
xo

1742220 tn?1331356727
by meegWpaw, Oct 17, 2014
sorry I missed all of this, glad you are feeling better.  I would just echo Connie.  take the goddam pain meds and get some rest.  why are you thinking about working?  why again?   oh yeah, why???
recovery Lu.  did you say 8 days?  

You're recovering from major surgery.  any small surgery is considered trauma to the body.  this is MAJOR surgery.

aggressive attack on the pain  with meds

submission (yes missy!) to recovery

gnite

I love you lots lil m

meegy

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