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5.5 weeks since losing my baby boy

Oct 21, 2014 - 0 comments
Tags:

Miscarriage

,

early pregnancy loss

,

stillbirth



as I sit at work and look at my calendar, it shows me 2 numbers on Friday's, from now until who knows when. I was in a numb haze when I wrote them. Some days it makes me overwhelmingly sad - others, like today - it gives me a little twinkle in my eyes because I'm so happy I got to hold my sweet little boy, even just for a short while.
This Friday October 24th - I should be 23wks. But now, I remember it by the big 6 on it, being 6wks since I was induced and delivered my 17wk old little man. He was so handsome and perfect. Just like his daddy. (I have a picture but don't want to post because of the reaction it might cause to some so if you'd like to see it please P/M me and I'd be happy to show you).
Perfect pregnancy up until a routine Appt. at 16wks and they couldn't find his heartbeat. My whole world crumbled.
I keep thinking, what if I hadn't gone. Although I keep having panic attacks whenever I go to the Dr office now because all I keep replaying is "im so sorry, he doesn't have a heartbeat anymore, hes passed. he stopper growing at 14.5wks" I think it would have been WAY more traumatic to just randomly start bleeding and have no idea why, and go through it at home.

My first 8wk m/c (1yr after I had my daughter) I opted for a D & C, at that point me and her dad weren't getting along, and I hadn't bonded with this baby like most mothers should. I wanted it done and over with. The second miscarriage at 5wks, I waited to have my body do things naturally. It took a total of almost 4wks. I woke up covered in blood one night feeling the urge to push. at only 5wks along, I did NOT expect that much "stuff" to come out. I sat on the toilet and felt everything come out in one push. I kick myself in the *** all the time for not letting my normal curiosity roam that night. I turned to drugs and alcohol after that one. Me and my Fiance split up. I ended up moving back in with my parents after realizing this was NOT where I was supposed to me. Cleaned my life up and met the most amazing man I've ever come into contact with. everything was going great.

If there's anything I can tell anyone going through a loss like this, a second trimester "miscarriage" - it's that things don't get better overnight, and they never go away. So if you're 2 days after finding out your baby has passed, or 2 yrs - the pain never leaves you completely. So don't think it will. You'll never wake up and just not think about it.
When we found out, I carried Levi for another whole week - while still going to work FullTime.
Belly showing. I was a mess, a complete, and utter mess.
I was a mess after I had him, and I'm a mess now, not as much as I was, but still - every Friday... I cry, I weep and my boyfriend just holds me and tells me that everything is going to be okay. In that moment, nothing can be said to soften the pain I'm enduring.
But I can say this, the next morning, after I cry myself to sleep next to the love of my life, I wake up and go look in my front yard. Where there's a beautiful plum tree with a big giant blue ribbon around it where we buried him, and I breathe a sign of relief that at least he's here with his family and he's loved beyond belief.

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