Sep 26, 2009
My mother was broken into tears, not that i might b pregnent, but what she sacrificed to make me her number one whn she was pegnant with me. So i think i want to explain more of my life and why i feel i should have a baby, if i am pregnant.When i was 7 my father disapeared, i never was close to him, i was raised in a big family, in small nieghbor hood. I especialy was close to my cousins Shanette(9) and Kayla(12), we grew up like sisters. Every one was close and we always had fun, at the age of 8 my mom moved away from our family and into Florida, the only family we had here was my grandfather. When i was 11 i found out that kayla(16) became pregnant and moved from the family. I never heard from her again, At 13 my cousin Shannette (15) was pregnant, she stood with her godmother, she felt alone, but when her baby Nia was born, her boyfriend, mom, and even grandmother came to her side and helped here. She became the center of attention. I lost contact with her until i was 15, when i finnaly talked to her on the phone she sounded different. . . She had no time for me, she only spoke about herself, i tryed to ask about kayla but she knew nothing. . . over these few years i grew anger towards my father, shanette tryed to ban me from her life, and kayla abandoned us all. My 15th year of my life seemed like a living hell, my mother and I were constintly fighting and argueing. I left to Newyork the following summer to see the family i missed, the family who i thought would still be the same. When i got there everyone had parted to different places. I walked the streets knocking on doors, no one knew where my family was. I spent my summer with my god mother and god brother. My god mother was extremely ill, so i had to care for my god brother. I felt extremely in charge of what he did. I took him to the park and watched him play around with others his age. Thats when I began to think about how my life would be if i had my own child. I began to think that maybe my family would get together again if i was pregnant, since i was the youngest girl in my family. I finnaly turned 16 and now have a job on a ranch with horses. Me and Ryan(17) have been together for 3 years on and off. But starting May we made up owr mind, We wanted to stay together. I shared my thoughts and feelings with him. At first we agreed on no children, thats when i recieved a messege from Shannette, it was a picture of her, Nia, and her boyfriend. It made me a little sad. I lost my virginity not to long from that day. I lost it to Ryan and he lost it to me. a few weeks later i began to feel a little dizzy so we thought i was pregnant, we took a test and it came out positive. At first we were scared, but slowly we started to get excited, yesterday i took another test because i felt . . . empty . . . the test came out negitive. We cryed to each other on the phone. He came to me and stood at my house for abit. We had all owr friends excited. How would we break it to them, My best friend (since i moved to florida) was promised to be god mother. We knew that we were hurt, and that they would be to. I remembered my serperated family and asked him to try again. So we did, now all we can do is pray that i am. I know to everyone it may sound crazy, but i just want to feel . . . needed. . . wanted. . . missed. . Something that my family doesnt feel for me. My mom has excepted my choices. But his dad (his mom isnt with him) wants to keep him from me. Naturaly my mother wont allow him to back his son down from his responsibilty. And so that leads me to today, im at my best friends house. I need help, Do you think i may be pregnant? And am i wrong for thinking the way im thinking now? So many questions i have that want to be answered. . . Im just . . Lost. . . i feel abandoned by my family. . Love is all i ask, Love and i want my family to come together. .. Like before. . . The only people i have in my life that truely love me now is my mom, Ryan, and Thiare (my best friend). Them and my "friends" all want to support me.
Ashley M. J.
P.S theres pictures of me and my best friend (me on left and best friend on right)