Oct 29, 2014
I have now spoken to all the doctors on Joe's team. Apparently pulmonary embolism CAN come up very suddenly....so suddenly that it would not show on a CT scan done within a few weeks beforehand. Dr. Boyer also said that Joe was in the 10%...those are the ones that it happens to SO fast that all they notice is a little weakness (true) and a little shortness of breath (true) and that's it. It is so fast they don't feel pain and they don't even really know that they were dying.
We knew we were going to lose him sooner rather than later but Joe and I had hoped he would make it long enough for a trip to visit all the kids and get through the holidays but if given the choice between kids/trip and his passing pain-free and without the fear that knowledge of your imminent death gives a person....I'd give up the kids/trip every time in a flat second.
So I am at peace with that. I had promised Joe I would only flat out mourn for about a week. I will keep my promise. Then I will do what I promised which was to pick myself up and start living again. I will do that too...sadly, but I will do it. My m-i-l says the week starts next Monday so I'm going with what she says.
Sitting here crying and had a conversation with Joe. Told him all about the kids and grandkids. Told him that the gifts he had picked out for them were given and accepted very, very gratefully. Told him he would have loved his service. Did it just the way he always told me he would want. Maybe I'm nuts but I think his spirit is with me and he hears what I say.
I'm going to go bawl my eyes out some more and hopefully collapse into some sleep. I MISS him so damn much!!!
Love you all!