Oct 31, 2014
Strange as the world is and as hard as we fought to complete treatment, never giving up no matter how sick I had become. I truly believed most of it was in my own mind. I have never have been one to fall back from a challenge, and at times that is what kept me going some how believing that after I no longer had to take the drugs to clear the virus I would get better, it hasn't happened yet, and in truth in many ways I am worse off.
If and when I have a good day and get out and do things the next 3 to 5 days are as if I am smack dab in the center of treating again. I have had it, I really am sick and tired of being sick and tired. The hardest part is there is no reason, detectable reason for me to be such an invalid. Yes my GI doctor like my psychic and my primary care physician all say I have put my body through hell with chemo ( all though those words were never really tossed around before)
and it will take time to heal. Honestly right now I wish I had never heard those words, "If you don't treat you wont see your next birthday", or better still I wish I would have laughed it off and gone on about my life, then I would not be writing this. Maybe the virus would have gotten me, probably not. At least at that point in time I had no idea I was so sick. And had the virus taken me out I would not have spent so much time saying and feeling as if I can no longer be who I once was, I use to love life. I have spent close to 2 1/2 years preparing, doing and waiting for recovery, I am tired. Not suicidal no, but truly, I am angry with myself for entering into this arena. I am so happy for those who do not have to treat this way, and still I know I belong to a small percentage of those who have cleared the virus and have not shaken the side effects, so am I playing the poor me card, not so said the wise man I just want to feel better. Hoping beyond hope they find something when I have my upper and lower GI's done in two weeks. I just pray for direction and understanding for I seem to have lost my way. I know I haven't posted much, answered any questions. I just feel as if I have nothing good to say, I believe why say it at all. Had to write this it is my POET anniversary day, yeah team. Then too it is 6 days until the anniversary of Travis death, and at some crazy level I hold myself accountable because I was not able to help him when he needed it most, not a fair trade off, him for me. I lived my life and his was only beginning. So this is multifaceted and so is my life, got to love it.