Nov 02, 2014
I'm sorry I haven't posted much. I'm exhausted plus I had to start working again on Friday. It is only 2-3 hours a day but it is income I can't afford to lose right now.
Anyway, Joe had committed on the 20th to being the Judge for the kid's costumes during the 1st Annual Sandlewood Halloween Block Party. Linda and Brandy came over and begged me to be the judge. At first I said no. They left and I swear I could hear Joe saying "You've got to go...I promised...you've got to go for me". So out the door I go in my robe, chase the ladies down and told them I would go if they would make sure that no one would come over and offer condolences. I think you will understand my reasoning. Halloween is for and about the children. What kind of judge would I be if I burst out into tears (which I do) every time someone hugs me or asks me how I'm doing...all that kind of stuff? Linda was wonderful, everyone treated me like normal which I really, really needed if only for a couple of hours. The kids were adorable and Joe would have loved it...he absolutely would have. His 2nd favorite holiday only after Christmas. Afterwards I came home and bawled my eyes out.
For some reason the only place I can sleep is at my desk. I've tried the bed, the recliners, the couch, the futon. I think that subconsciously my mind is having a difficult time with those places because I slept in all those places during Joe's various illnesses...wherever he slept I slept close by so I could hear him if he needed me. I'm going to be crippled soon.
Other than that nothing new to report. I'm just existing day by day right now. I'm supposed to pick the urns up tomorrow. Neither Mama B or I can bear it right now so Pastor Ullo is going to pick up and keep him at the church until we are ready. I think that is perfect for the moment since he found his peace there and he loved his church plus I know he will be safe there until Mama B and I are both ready.
I will be back my dear friends but it may be a while yet. I'm just not ready to offer help to others right now...not when I need it so badly myself. My well is almost empty and I need it to fill up a bit before I can help anyone else.
Love you all madly....I hope you know that...and if someone can...if the post is up for sobriety...could you please post my sobriety days for me. I'm not even sure what it is...over 90 days I think OMG I'm so glad Joe could see that. I haven't had a pill of any kind except that one valium and since I was never addicted to benzo's I don't think that hurt my sobriety. I don't like sleeping pills, benzo's that kind of thing at all.
I hope to at least start answering some PM's some time next week. Please be patient with me.