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I was working diligently

Oct 05, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

biology project

,

believing

,

looselipped

,

sleep

,

sleeping medicine

,

Ambien

,

bulimia

,

violent puking

,

loss of control

,

quick awakening

,

hunger

,

Reflux

,

withdrawals

,

vomiting

,

Biology

,

drawing

,

poop

,

coloring

,

voc

,

spanish

,

dicing

,

onion

,

culinary arts

,

garlic

,

onion pepper sausage omlette

,

egg tummy ache

,

steve

,

fights

,

relationship troubles

,

alanna B

,

steve's mom

,

rides

,

park

,

walking

,

running away

,

Crying

,

alex L

,

chelsey

,

nose drooling

,

steve's dad

,

warp speed

,

my house

,

pork

,

cookies

,

bandaid

,

Toe

,

toe laceration



on my biology booklet. It took foooorever. But I knew I had to do it nicely, because I need this grade. In fact, I was up till 3 in the morning. By that point, I am no longer competent. All you needn't do is ask, and I would walk right off a bridge. Seriously. I'm as looselipped as a lady whom just gave head to a horse. It's a bit of a problem. Also, last night I vaguely realized, I wasn't sure quite how long, but I didn't have much time to sleep. Somehow I got it in my mind I needed to rid myself of sleeping medicines. I was violently ill. I know it was intentional, I remember sticking my fingers down my throat. But it felt so automatic. I couldn't control it. I remember looking at it all, and just not getting it. Just not knowing how to stop. Till I was empty. And this morning, I slept a bit late, yes. But when I was woken up I SPRANG out of bed. Like, I leapt and couldn't close my eyes again. And so I was up. I dressed very quickly. And whatnot. I was on time for my bus. I was so unbelievably hungry. But I thought I was going to puke. All day.

My reflux was terrible. It felt like I was rejecting rocks. Like, dime sized rocks. Again and again and again. And it was bad. I honestly thought I was going to have to run for a trash can a few times. This is on top of all the times I would just plain burp and my stomach would heave. Constantly. I know this isn't a choice for me. This isn't an option. I can't do this again. My body can not handle it. I need to straighten out. Thinking about it, it may have been withdrawals, as well as the reaction to vomiting. It was probably a lot withdrawals. Because I got all of those pills back up. I must have. I saw my lunch again. I eat lunch before noon. This was about three in the morning. I didn't even think it was possible, I puked so hard.

I finished my drawings, and they're so ****** up, it's wonderful. There's a lot of poop. I colored, all morning. Things I didn't even remember drawing. I mean, to and from voc, and throughout lunch. A bit in spanish. Which I'm still lost in.
I diced an onion up in CA. And I STILL SMELL. I have washed my hands a ridiculous amount of times and encountered some strong smells. It just will not quit. I never realize, becuase I stay away from onions on my hands. Garlic, too. But not like the plague. I mean, everything tastes good with a little garlic. A bit of onion, also not bad. I'm all for it. But I do not want to cut it. Ha. It wasn't so bad. I specifically asked not to eat the omlettes we made. I don't like big onions, peppers, sausage, OR monterey jack cheese. On top of the fact that these were big omlettes and thinking about it I wanted to puke everywhere. Not worth the tummy ache. So I washed dishes instead. I did good, sauteing the onions almost by myself. I was proud.

And yes. I went to Steve's. And it was great. We played on the swings. And  then we couldn't decide if we were staying for dinner and he got mad because i wouldn't call alex. I knew chelsey had bailed on her and I didn't want to go over and have it be wierd again. But I didn't know what to say. I mean, to stop a fight, I would go. I would get over it. But if he didn't want to go either, I wasn't obviously going to force it. I had no idea what he wanted. And he got mad when I couldn't decide. And I felt horrible. When he got mad, I got defensive. Then he got defensive, then I got mad, and then he backed off, and I hid. More or less. He sat down and I was close to tears, hiding under a pillow. I didn't want to cry again, not there, not in the middle of a fight. I got up, I grabbed my purse and lunchbox, and I walked straight out the door. He didn't realize it was me and I was halfway up the road when I realized he wasn't coming. Oddly, I ran into Alanna. I couldn't really articulate, more than I was running away. And she tried to get me to go with her. And I wouldn't. She dropped her sisters off and stopped me on the side of the road. And she stopped with me. And I cried on her shoulder, there on the side of the road. I was really close to a panic attack, and she actually asked me directly that. Amongst if I was on something? Because apparently my eyes were pinpoints and I couldn't seem to figure out what had happened. It took a lot of convincing to get her to leave me there. She wanted to hang out becuase she didn't trust me by myself. I'm grateful, I am. I wanted to. But I couldn't help it, I had to be free. I had to set things right. I felt horrible before I'd even left Steve's road. Horrible. I couldn't bring myself to not keep my time free. Of course Steve's mom saw me and stopped to ask if I needed a ride, I declined and she asked Steve where I was going. So he knew. But I far far gone by then. I went to the park. Walked straight all the way there, toating a lunchbox. A Star Wars lunchbox. I didn't have any friends there, and steve's brother was there, I didn't want to be seen  of course cause I'm just ridiculous like that, and so I just kept walking some more and sat at a table in the middle of nowhere. And I was calmed down, and I called Alex. And she said chels canceled, and whatnot. But we could come over if we wanted. I tried to explain I wasn't with him atm. And then I was crying before I could say bye. I called Steve. And it was better, after a bit. I was nose drooling all over the table. I thought I may just pass out right there and get my purse stolen. I have a nose drooling problem. I was walking to his house at warp speed, it felt like, and he passed me on the road. His dad dropped him there and we walked to my house. I love cookies. We ate pork. I'm not a pork fan. So whatever. I'm still hungry. All day. I don't have the time or self confidence to remember to feed myself enough. No biggie.

I had this bandaid on my toe, because my nail broke too low to cut, and it lacerated my toe. It went numb and swelled and it really wasn't a big deal just it hurt to walk. Washed it and changed the bandaid. May add another. To keep it straight. It hurts.

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a few days, and missed a day a while back. Two nights ago, it wasn't working, last night, I needed to literally work on just my project.

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