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DISCOURAGED

Jun 05, 2008 - 6 comments


I finished a dose dense regimine of AC, one round every other week for 4 treatments. I had been feeling really sick and depressed but I started to feel better partly because that part of this journey is over. Now it's on to taxotere and herceptin.

Well my surgeon had been telling me that the tumor is shrinking. He measured it on top of my skin and said it was a cm smaller since beginning AC. My oncologist had told me that it felt softer to her. Well today I went in for my follow up mammogram and sonogram before I start the taxotere and the radiologist doctor hits me with the news that the tumor has not shrunk AT ALL, in fact it's EXACTLY the same size. How depressing. I did speak with one of my breast cancer sisters and she said that her tumor didnt start to shrink either until taxotere. So I can only pray that taxotere does the job for me. I meet with my surgeon on Tuesday hopefully he will have a comforting word or a good plan.

It was just such a blow because I really thought it was shrinking. It kind of made me fel like I have gone through all of this for nothing. But I guess i have to remember that I do have a node involved and I guess the AC would kill stray cells. Also since I have started chemo and neulasta I have been having headaches which causes me to worry. I have had twitches now for about a year but all my docs say it is not related to the breast cancer. I am just a bundle of nerves and worry! And I am getting married on saturday!! I am trying so hard to keep my head up and be strong but sometimes it just doesnt work.

Im sure I will be fine eventually. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer!! This to shall pass. Right???

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526906 tn?1261871796
by healingwell62, Jun 06, 2008
Hey Tracey!

What do those doctor's know about size anyway?  What they can't measure is the size of effort and prayer and positivity you've put into your treatment.  Chemo is just one side of the deal.  Your positive attitude and your thought that it was shrinking is so important.  You've definitely not gone through this for nothing.  They found this stupid cancer, they're giving it notice via chemo that it's days are numbered and you're sending it messages that you won't tolerate its existence.  And just to prove it, you've gone on and planned the rest of your long and happy life, starting with a marriage on Saturday.  Can a little stupid tumor stand up to all that?!?  I don't think so!

You are not a Debbie Downer.  You are normal.  And this too shall pass.

Not to sound like a pharmacy lover or anything, but I have a tendency toward free floating anxiety now and then, and my doctor prescribed lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg, when I start to get the heebeegeebees (sp?)  It has been tremendously helpful.  (One of my MD friends has used the phrase "better living through pharmacology")  Sometimes you just need what you need.  

Anyway, may Saturday be the most beautiful and memorable day of your life so far, with many more to come.

Congratulations!!!

love,

Chris

314692 tn?1214080510
by traceyz, Jun 07, 2008
Chris,

Thank you for the very sweet words of encouragment. This ill breast situation does tend to get the best of my thoughts sometimes but I am getting through.

I am on 10 mg of lexapro because there aint nothin wrong with a lil "better living with pharmacology"! lol

Anyhow, the wedding is tonight on the beach, should be sweet. But I still have stuff to do, can you believe that.

Thanks so much Chris for taking your time to cheer me up. You are a sweetie pie!! We will chat later.

Thanks again,

Tracey

479532 tn?1215859269
by flygirl22, Jun 07, 2008
Hello my friend, Tracey:

I've been watching your postings and praying for you.  I am so glad you have found a lot of loving and caring people to support you through this difficult time in your life.  I did try to call you; I know you are up and down and sometimes it's much better to know you can initiate contact with friends rather than HAVE to carry on a conversation when you are not feeling well.  I did not know you were getting married!  I think you know that I, too, got married right after my two rounds of chemo, and while undergoing radiation.  I am so glad to know you have a special man, as I do, who loves us for who we are.  There is no greater tribute.  Congratulations and best of luck in your new life together as man and wife!  Remember, I'm here for you anytime you need me.  Lots of love,

Marianne

Avatar universal
by Olivia100, Jun 07, 2008
traceyz-

You are an inspiration. Congratulations on your marriage. I wish you love, comfort and peace within.......

Olivia

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by Joi400, Jun 07, 2008
traceyz

Don't be discourage, always think that this is just a beginning of a new journey to a new life.  My husband had a liver transplant, and he is a survivor for 5 years now,  and I am a survivor too.  During my treatments, I always think of living.  Living and breathing.  My prayers to you and your family. Everything will be all right.
Joi

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by Cheskalyn, Jun 12, 2008
Congratulations !! Wish you all the best!!

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