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The worst week.

Nov 28, 2014 - 29 comments

Oh God MH.  Yesterday I saw in full technicolor the ravages of addiction.  My aunt (my mom's sister) is a RAGING alcoholic, and I mean raging.  She carries a bottle of vodka in her purse at all times and I've seen her pass out drunk at 10 am on more than one occasion.  It has always been extremely upsetting to me and my family.  When I moved back home 7 years ago, so did she.  She'd been kicked out by her alcoholic husband and left her 13 year old daughter and moved across the country to live with my Gramma.  They have an incredibly dysfunctional relationship.  My gramma totally enables her and it makes me and my mom and dad crazy.  My gramma is nearly 90 years old and my aunt Deb lives off of her.  She's been fired from 6 jobs in 3 years.  She goes out all night and comes home wasted.  She is 61 years old.  I've been trying to get someone to do something about it for years.  I have suggested interventions, I have arranged them.  Everyone bails at the last minute.  I can't tell you how many times I've heard the comment "Oh Deb is doing much better.  She hasn't had a drink for a week".
You can imagine how crazy this makes me feel.

A year ago I stopped going to all family functions including Sunday dinners if she was there.  She is an incredibly obnoxious drunk.  She talks over top of everyone and spouts B.S.  She is incredibly embarrassing.  I had to ask her to stop coming to my work functions and shows.  I told her she wasn't welcome as long as she was drinking.  She is and always will be, in denial.

Well.  A month ago my mom told me she'd been having grand mal seizures.  Apparently, she'd had two in the early part of October.  The last one she almost bit off her tongue.  She refused to see a doctor and NO ONE pushed her to do so.  My gramma didn't even call an ambulance when she had one infront of her.  She merely continued to watch TV.  When I heard about this, I confronted Deb and do you know what her answer was?
"Oh, it's because I drank beer.  Gramma and I have discovered that beer doesn't agree with me."

I was like ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME?????
I told her she needed help or she was going to die.  She ignored me so I walked away.
Then, yesterday my mom was supposed to come and take me to my doctor's appointment.  It's about a 45 minute drive away and I was in too much pain to drive alone.  She called me ten minutes before she was supposed to pick me up and was hysterical.  She was at the store she manages.  My aunt was having a seizure.  They were taking her by ambulance to the hospital.

I drove to my appointment alone.  I am embarrassed to say that I was kind of hoping she would die.  I just HATE what she's done to my family and what she will continue to do.

After my appointment I went to the hospital.  She was awake but confused.  But my mom....Oh god.  My mom was destroyed.  Apparently the seizure was so violent that they almost lost her in the ambulance and had to call in a second set of paramedics.  She turned black.  Blood flew everywhere.  My mom was so traumatized.

The seizures have happened because Deb quit drinking vodka.  She still drinks beer, wine, and ciders, but she quit drinking vodka because my Gramma told her she had to.  I mean SERIOUSLY????

So,  she's gone to medical detox.  I had a moment alone with her and I said "See,  do you understand now what you're doing to yourself?"
She said.
"I don't think it's that, because I never get drunk"
I seriously almost smacked her.
I said
"Yeah, you don't get drunk because you have TOLERANCE AND YOU ARE ALWAYS DRUNK"

I told her it wasn't going to be enough for her to go to detox.  She would have to work a program after.  And if she ever had a drink again, she could die.  She just looked at me.  I got my mom together and we left.

My gramma is in denial still.  Even after listening to me talk about the truths of addiction for half an hour, give statistics, and suggestions for rehab clinics she did not react.  She said that Deb was going to be fine.
My mom won't push her.
So here I am.  I guess you can tell I am very angry.  I have been crying for two days.
I am so upset at what she's done to my family.
And you know I'm an addict.  And I know when I look in another addict's eyes whether they are willing to do what it takes to get clean.
She is not,
She is not even humbled by almost dying in an ambulance.
She enjoyed the attention.

I told my mom last night that I am done.  I will not engage with her in any way.  I will not have Christmas with her, or go to any family functions.  I won't be apart of this enabling.

Am I being too harsh?  All i know is that I've never been so angry,  and the truth is- I don't really care about her.  But i HATE what she's doing to the people that I love the most.  Yes I know she is sick.  And this is pretty awful that I can't find compassion for her.  Because how different are we really?
well.
I never did anything to hurt anyone with my addiction.  the only person I hurt was myself.  And as soon as I saw that it was having an affect on the people I loved, I did what I had to do to get the help that I needed.

I am angry at myself for being angry,
I have to go to work now..

Comments
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2083449 tn?1381354708
by Sonrissa, Nov 28, 2014
No, you are not being too harsh.  You are NOT responsible for what your Aunt does, and you are NOT responsible for how the rest of your family enables her.  If I were in your shoes, I would walk away, actually I would run away and never look back until she is serious about recovery.  If that were to happen then I would be supportive through her recovery.  At this point now, I would not allow yourself to become one of your Aunt's prisoners or hostages.  

This is just my opinion, and it may sound mean.  I fully admit I am not in the best state of mind right now.  Take it for what it's worth.  I hope and pray your Aunt seeks out and gets the help she desperately needs before it's too late, and before her destruction path gets even wider.

Take care, Lu.

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Nov 28, 2014
Thanks Rissa.
I was being told I was cold hearted by my mom.  I will NOT be a part of this anymore.
And I don't think she's gonna get clean.  I would be absolutely shocked if she did.

How are you friend?  Please let me know what's up and if there is anything I can do to help.
xo

1580318 tn?1550254481
by Shannon79, Nov 28, 2014
I honestly think you've done all you can do and then some.

As the old saying goes "you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped".

Or as Dr. Phil says " you can't change what you don't acknowledge".

If it were me, I'd walk away too. You can't keep putting yourself through that. She's destroying herself and your family. Don't let her destroy you too.

Avatar universal
by Amandag78, Nov 28, 2014
Hey sweet Lu, gee you have a lot on your plate at the moment... It is so hard to watch someone being so oblivious to their addiction and in total denial.
I hope your family member seriously gets the help they need.
Im am so sorry you are very upset about this ordeal, but its understandable.
You know im always here for you my girl, lots of love and cuddles to you xoxo

973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Nov 28, 2014
I'm so.  We have a family member that died of alcoholism.  And left a man who was an alcoholic.  And saw someone I love very much get sober after years of abuse.  I know the pain.  Insulating yourself is HEALTHY.  And the right thing to do in my opinion.  

It IS a sickness.  But one that makes everyone around them sick as well.  And I value myself enough to not be a part of the sickness.  

IF she gets sober, then you can reevaluate but until then, she's dangerous to everyone she is in contact with.  Those that support her and enable her have done her an incredible disservice.  They, in truth, are as sick as she is and also need therapy and treatment.  

You've said your peace.  Know that a peaceful holiday with health people is much better than the destruction and chaos that will surround your aunt wherever she is.  

But it's hard.  Don't second guess yourself.  You're doing the right thing and actually what is best for you AND her.  Someone has to say this is not okay.  You're the strong one.  Anyway, hugs and peace to you

973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Nov 28, 2014
I'm so.  We have a family member that died of alcoholism.  And left a man who was an alcoholic.  And saw someone I love very much get sober after years of abuse.  I know the pain.  Insulating yourself is HEALTHY.  And the right thing to do in my opinion.  

It IS a sickness.  But one that makes everyone around them sick as well.  And I value myself enough to not be a part of the sickness.  

IF she gets sober, then you can reevaluate but until then, she's dangerous to everyone she is in contact with.  Those that support her and enable her have done her an incredible disservice.  They, in truth, are as sick as she is and also need therapy and treatment.  

You've said your peace.  Know that a peaceful holiday with health people is much better than the destruction and chaos that will surround your aunt wherever she is.  

But it's hard.  Don't second guess yourself.  You're doing the right thing and actually what is best for you AND her.  Someone has to say this is not okay.  You're the strong one.  Anyway, hugs and peace to you

134578 tn?1578157483
by AnnieBrooke, Nov 28, 2014
Honey, you know that it is right that you insulate yourself.  I am sorry that you are feeling the pull of the pain and denial of your grandmother, and of your mom.  Life does not come in clean little units, where you can just pull away.

Please talk to someone, a counselor or therapist, if you are not.  At the very least, it will help you to put it out there to someone.  

Please do what you have to do to have a peaceful place in your life this Christmas.

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Nov 28, 2014
Thanks so much to all of you for replying.  I've done years of therapy, and surprisingly- this is the only time I've ever dealt with addiction with a family member.  I never knew her until recent years when she came and insinuated herself into my mom and grandmother's lives.  I have talked until I am blue in the face about co-dependency and al-anon for them.  My mom just says "I know.  You can't tell me anything that I don't already know."  And my grandmother just goes silent.  It saddens me, that this is probably my grandmother's last Christmas with us.  But knowing that is not enough for me to be party to the craziness.  The last holiday I had was last year's Thanksgiving with them.  After that, I said never again.  I am fortunate that I have my partner, and his family.  And although it will break my parent's hearts to not have us their, it may make them consider how she is causing so much destruction.  I have to take a stand.

She went into medical detox today.  A bed opened up last minute.  Thank God because my mom was trying to figure out how she was going to 'medicate her with booze' for two weeks so she didn't DIE.  They refused to write her a scrip for valium when she left the hospital and my mom was ACTUALLY considering how she would 'score' some to prevent her from seizing again in front of my Grandma.  So so sick.
Fu*k.
She wasn't going to go, of course.  My mom had to drag her kicking and screaming.  And it saddens me to say that she will probably come right out and start drinking again.  She hasn't been sober since she was 13 years old.  She has no idea what it is like.  I don't mean to be negative, but I know in my gut this is it.
It hurts me to see my mom hurt.  But as you said, she is sick in her codependency and needs her own therapy.  When she has calmed down I will suggest it again.

Thank you for being my safe place to vent.  You all mean so much to me.
Love
Lu

Avatar universal
by brice1967, Nov 29, 2014
Oh wow lulu.  I am so sorry to read your story.  Dealing with an addict of any sort is a nightmare that I don't wish upon anyone. So much of the time it seems like a losing battle.  Well, so much of the time it is a losing battle.  You can get some wonderful support here and other venues similar to MH, but sometimes the answers to questions or the support people offer sound insensitive.  That doesn't help much either.

We have to face the fact that some people will not take a recovery attempt seriously, regardless of how dire their health care needs are.  The disease supercedes their health.  If that addict doesn't want the help, they won't get it and from your experience I know you understand that.  It is a lonely position to be in where you feel like you are the only one who really is trying to help.  It is also painful to watch someone like your mom dealing with this situation.  She is very liable to be setting herself up for another let down.

I am having a hard time trying to spit out what I am trying to say, so bear with me.  There is nothing wrong with insulating yourself from this situation.  You've tired to help.  You've tried often and there isn't change so its time to build a wall.  What might be most important is that you work on keeping a relationship going with your mom and grandmother somehow, someway without interference from your (aunt?).  Set up rules of engagement.  "We will only discuss the weather, politics, and recipes" or something similar.  Make it known that you don't care to discuss anything about your aunt, including how she is dividing the family up.  Her alcoholism is not worth you losing your family.

You get to take charge.  You get to be responsible for your relationship with the other survivors and none of it has to do with anything regarding your aunt.  Once your aunt gets brought up in a conversation, you can politely break contact and end the conversation.  

Its hard to figure out, but your sanity and your family are largely more important thanany arguement that would arise regarding your aunt.  Dion't let her be the reason your relationships falter.

Best of luck, stay strong.
Brice



Avatar universal
by Irishbred, Nov 30, 2014
Dear Lu,
Not being disrespectful...but your Mom should not put 'GUILT" on you saying 'YOUR COLD HEARTED",
that to me is being totally co-dependent on you...as you seem to be the 'ONE" who does all the worrying.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...HOW LONG WILL YOU COMPANION WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN THIS?
You cannot change anyone's ways or addictions...that's their choice.
STOP TRYING TO FIX WANT DOESN'T WANT FIXING...OR YOUR GOING TO END UP "ONE SICK GIRL", FOR SURE.
MY ADVICE...EVEN THOUGH YOU LOVE YOUR PARENTS/FAMILY:
                               "MOVE ..OR STAY AWAY COMPLETELY (IT'S YOUR LIFE!!)

from all this drama...it will bring you down and ruin your health & future life. No future companion wants to deal with this, for sure.  "LOVE YOURSELF"  & stay away from your aunt's enablers. My heart goes out to you...as your trying soooo hard to help & it's tearing you apart. LEARN TO SAY "NOOOOOOOOO" I'M NOT
COMING OVER, NOR AM I GETTING INVOLVED WITH MY AUNT'S PROBLEMS. I know I sound cruel...but it's
true...no one is going to perform a "MIRACLE" and change your G/mother, mother or aunt...it's their choice...don't make that 'YOUR CHOICE...CHOOSE TO BE FREE AND HAPPY W/OUT GUILT...
Enjoy Christmas w/ companion and stay away....Best to you and good health.



1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Nov 30, 2014
Thank you all so much.  I just had a particularly awful experience and it gives me such comfort to read your words.  Brice, you are spot on.

My parents just came over here.  I phoned because I was awake all night in horrific pain and feel as though I may be bleeding to death.  My partner had to work today and I needed help.  My mom immediately began to go on about my aunt, and how her other siblings (all recovering alcoholics) are being insensitive and not willing to help.  I told her I agreed with them.  I told her I was done.  I told her that her sister was destroying our family and I no longer even wanted to talk about it.  She told me I lacked compassion and left.

I feel heart broken.  I know this isn't my sh*t, it's hers, but it still breaks my heart.  My mom has always been my closest friend, but this whole thing has driven a wedge between us.
I don't know how to separate it, or not talk about it, because it is the only thing she's thinking and talking about.

My aunt is two days into medical detox and still having seizures.  My mom is talking to her constantly and running over there to take her medicine for her cut up tongue.  She said she thinks this is her bottom.
I told her she's said that to me once every 6 months for 8 YEARS!
I know my dad agrees with me but he won't stand up to my mom.
This is all so f-ing sad.
I am separating now.  I don't feel guilty anymore.  I feel angry and sad.

Thank you all again, SO MUCH.  You cannot make someone see what they are unwilling to see, no more than you can make someone get sober if they do not want to be.  
Letting go now.
Lu

Avatar universal
by brice1967, Dec 01, 2014
lulu,
You are very welcome.  I don't know if your mom and grandmother are in a grand denial or they just want to help too much.  I understand wanting to help, but ...... there is no helping people who don't want help.  Ultimately it is the addict that has to make the first step and be able to stay the course after that step.  You can't really help....  you can encourage, but help?  Not going to happen.  And I imagine you will go through a grieving process with this.  I do think its the right move to step aside and I believe you can find proof in that by all of the other addicts in your family who are not willing to "help".  

For yourself, I understand your anger and sadness.  This thing is particularly sad on so many levels!  Find peace in knowing that you are making the decision you are making for YOUR own health and welfare.  I also understand the anger.  I find neither the anger or sadness as selfish but rather a by product of where you are during this difficult time.

Quickly, my first experience with an addict was my cousin.  She was a beautiful girl when I was a young child, much younger than she was.  As an early adult, her addiction began to spin out of control.  This girl went from being a loving, caring woman into a full blown drunk who cared nothing about anyone.  Through time she bounced around being sober and then being drunk again.  Each time she fell off the wagon, she fell a little further and a little harder.  

Later she married a Chief with the fire department.  He had been sober for something like 20 years.  Together, they drank until the drinking eventually killed him first, then my cousin.  Consequently, her mother (my aunt) died some years later of liver disease.  She was very much the functioning alcoholic but the abuse eventually caught her too.

I figured out early that no matter how much I loved my cousin or my aunt, it was them that had to make decisions and had to have the fortitude to stick it out.  That made it easier for me to handle.

I wish you peace.

Avatar universal
by weaver71, Dec 01, 2014
Wow, it sounds like you are describing my father and the kind of drama I grew up with. The main difference is, my dad would never quit drinking for anyone. About once a year I think about contacting my family, then I sit and think of all the scenarios and the years keep passing. It's hard to give up on someone, it is for me, though it's even harder to keep hope alive for someone who doesn't even see the need for change. I guess my point is, I really relate to how you feel in those situations, the denial, the frustration, the insanity Hebbie Jebbie's. Just like everyone had to let me go off on my own, until I wanted and knew I needed help, that is the same courtesy I have to give my other family members. People say everyone has to hit a bottom, which I believe is true, but some people just get used to the bottom and make it there life long home. Sad, but that is one thing I know I have no control over, so I have no choice but accept it. I do have control over whether I participate. If my other family members want to be around it and be influenced by that kind of insanity, I have to accept that too. I am judged for not continuing to try and help my father, I have to accept that too.  Man, sobriety sure does make me have to just accept a lot of crap. I guess I even have to accept that.

I'm sorry for your troubles, I wish I didn't know how you feel. It was way easier  being the dumba$$, being sober and accepting one is a real Saint's game. May we learn to live by example, and when the people of a house do not accept our message, may we dust our feet at the door as we go to those who will receive us.  

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Dec 01, 2014
Weaver you are so right as usual.  My Aunt is the kind of woman that 'likes' the bottom.  I was overcome when I walked into her hospital room on Thursday to pick up my devastated mother.  She was sitting up in bed brushing her hair.  My mom was sitting in the chair, blood shot eyes filled with tears, and trembling.  The look on my aunt's face was blank.  I wanted to strangle her.  My mom left for a moment to talk to the nurse and I got really close to her face.  When I am angry I get very, very quiet.  I said "Medical detox isn't going to do it you know.  You are  a hardcore alcoholic.  You're going to have to work a program like your life depends on it, because it does."  She just stared at me and said "Well, I never got drunk.  I was just drinking too much every day."  I clenched my fists and quietly took my shaking mom out of there.

My mom called me last night a couple hours after she'd left.  I don't know if my dad got to her or what.  But her story had changed entirely.  She told me she'd called and talked to someone from Al-Anon and was going to make time for meetings this week.  She told me she was gathering her siblings for an intervention with my Grandma - not my aunt, we have all been there and done that and will no more.  She is just going to try and get my Gramma out of that situation and away from her daughter so she can live her last years in peace.  My aunt will not be welcome at any family holiday, regardless if she is sober, not now.  Maybe down the line if she DOES do the work (but she won't) but not now.

My mom had changed her tune entirely.  I'm not sure where it came from but at the end she thanked me for helping her see the truth.  She told me she'd been really traumatized by what she saw in that ambulance.  But she'd realized that Deb did not want help.  In fact, she is enjoying this because it is ATTENTION.  Not once has she expressed remorse, or care for anyone's feelings but her own.  I'm glad my mom has come to this.  I hope that she stays strong in it, because Gramma is not going to be easy.  Technically, my mom has power of attorney, and my Grandma has been living in an extremely abusive situation, but my mom is not at a place of wanting to take away her right to choose.  I hope her siblings step up to support her now that they know it is not for Deb but for their mother.  I believe that they will.  It's amazing that this one woman has divided a family so much.  Both my mom's brothers have REFUSED to have any contact for a few years now, because Deb is always present.  

Mom is going to try and get Gramma to those al-anon meetings.  I don't know if she will succeed, and I told her that.  I told her she only can really take care of herself and begin her healing journey.  We all have our own healing journeys as us on this site know all too well.

Bless you my friends.
xo
Lu

Avatar universal
by brice1967, Dec 01, 2014
@Weaver... By accepting things, you do make your life abundantly easier.  Knowing some things aren't worth the fight is a life long battle for a lot of people.  Waiting to find out that "I can only control me" is a difficult lesson.  Sounds like you found it.  Congratulations....

Lu, interesting that you mom changed her tune.  Sometimes when we get a moment to ourselves and out of the "kitchen" (so to speak), we get to really see what is cooking.  If mom sticks to it, she will probably feel quite liberated.

Everything in you paragraph above about your aunt describes classic alcoholic tendencies.  They don't have time for other people and everything is about them.  I would imagine she is getting something from the attention.  Just wondering though, was there ever a period of time in her childhood where she got no attention?  Not making excuses, but this crap normally has an underlying issue.

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Dec 01, 2014
No there isn't really an excuse.  She always got the MOST attention.  She was the baby of the family and BEAUTIFUL when she was young (obviously not now, 40 + years of drinking and drugging will do that to you)  By the time she was 13 she was doing every drug under the sun and disappearing from home.  My Grandpa (bless his heart wherever he is) would go out looking for her all night long.  By 18 she was addicted to Speed.  My mom went and risked her life to get her out of a Hell's Angel flop house and drove her across Canada to Toronto to get her away from 'the scene'. She detoxed while driving cross country.   She ended up meeting her husband (who died last year from alcohol related disease)  We never saw her after that.  I met her twice in my whole life until her husband kicked her out 7 years ago, and my mom paid for her to come here.  It's funny, because both my cousins who are in their twenties, say that their mother was WAY worse of an addict then their father.  They both chose to stay with him until he died.

So as you see, there is a long history of my mom being the rescuer here.  She is currently beating herself up for bringing her back here in the first place.  I've told her a million times she is NOT responsible for her sister's addiction, nor can she blame herself for ANY of this....But the co-dependency runs deep.  Hopefully those Al Anon meetings will help.  I will even try and go to a few myself, though I need to focus on my own recovery and support which is SMART recovery.

I did learn long ago that the only person that I have any control over is myself.  And then, just MY choices.  But it's hard when it's your Mom and she's hurting.  I just pray she finds her way through this.  I can only lead by example.
xo
Lu

Avatar universal
by jifmoc, Dec 01, 2014
Lulu- for some reason your post got my attention and I read the whole thing. If you don't mind me saying this, I think YOU could use some alanon yourself. Even if you're not involved w/ the addict directly, you are still being affected by this. It's on your mind enough, I think that's apparent.

I went when I was involved w/ an alcoholic. I learned things that were priceless that I still use today.

Can't hurt, right?

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Dec 02, 2014
You're right J-

I re read and thought the same thing.  Only because of how angry I am.  Because I am so angry, it shows that I'm invested...If I'm invested, I need help.

I was married to an alcoholic coke head.  He raped me after my second excision surgery.  It's the reason I started abusing my meds.  I did two years of recovery work and some al anon thrown in to the mix.  Since then I've cut a few addicts out of my life after telling them I loved them but could no longer support them in their addictions.  It's harder with family when there are so many ties.  These days I've been barely getting through with my terrible health issues, but I need to make time.  Clearly.
Thanks for the push.
xo

317787 tn?1473358451
by Dee1956, Dec 02, 2014
Lulu, I came across your journal, not really sure how I found it but I am so glad I did.
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing.  It sounds awful.  I am really really glad that your Mom has thought about your words and come to a decision.
I am a lot like that, I have to think through information in order to assimilate it and move forward..
This might sound a little crazy but your journal and the responses you received have helped me quite a bit.  
I have family issues and been in denial.  I think your Mom and Grandma may be doing what I do.  Thinking back to a time when things were better, when they were a family.  They remember that person, not the person your Aunt has become.
I miss my family very much but anytime I have gone to visit it is never the loving family I remember or "think" they were, it is always the sniping, disrespect, gossip, innuendo or outright attacks.  By the time I have been there 3 days I wish I could leave and they end up not speaking to me for months or even years.  So I have chosen not to visit as it is always painful for me.  I have decided to keep in touch by phone, letter, email.  Of course there are times I convince myself that everything will be ok and I want to see them, then the reality hits me and I am kicking myself for thinking it could ever be different.
Thank you so much for sharing.
I do not think you are being cold. I think that when something is as painful as your Aunt destroying your family you have to disconnect.  You have tried to get help for your Aunt.  You have tried to help your Mom and Grandma.
I think you have to save yourself.  Again, I am so very sorry about what is happening.  I had a neighbor who would not quit drinking, she was young when she was hospitalized because her brain had become that of a young teenager.  It was very sad, she was only in her 30's when this happened, she had two young children but she was mentally gone.
I think you have been very brave, I commend you for trying so hard to help your family.  It is not easy when you are the only one.  
Take Care of yourself.
Dee

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Dec 02, 2014
Thanks Dee-

I do like to post these things because I KNOW how relevant it is.  Lately, on my endo support groups I have found exactly the answer I am seeking, it is truly the best part of the internet and these forums that we can connect this way.

I am sad to say my mom is having a bit of a breakdown.  She (Like me) reacts physically to stress, and has broken out in shingles all over her body.  I told her to just PLEASE take care of herself....The rest will take care of itself.  I'm glad she has my dad, he's a rock.

I really want to thank all of you who have taken the time to read and respond, your support and wisdom means the world to me.
Love
Lu

134578 tn?1578157483
by AnnieBrooke, Dec 03, 2014
Lulu, I like that you said that since you are so angry it means you are still invested, and if you are invested, you need help.  I'm sure that much of the problem is that this is ongoing with no clear end.  I see this a lot on the DNA/Paternity forum, often from someone who can't believe her dates don't mean what she wants them to mean or is secretly feeling guilty about.  Most recently from from a guy who wrote that he has been told he might be a dad although probably not, by his ex who is pregnant, who said to him that the dates don't really compute but she wants a DNA test to be sure.  Sounds pretty cut-and-dried, right?  Yet the guy wrote paragraph after paragraph of speculation, analysis, computation, and comments about the girlfriend.  It's clearly not cut-and-dried for him, he's invested.  For someone else, such a communication from an ex with would just be the price one pays for having sex in modern times, he'd have the test when the time comes and so what.  But this guy was more like a dog shaking a toy.

You find yourself in an ongoing situation full of munge and crud.  There is a world of difference between being in a mungy situation and riding with it lightly, and being buried in the munge.  Do WHATEVER IT TAKES to ride lightly.

(((HUGS)))

Annie

134578 tn?1578157483
by AnnieBrooke, Dec 03, 2014
ps -- Instead of digging in the crap pit with your mom today, call your dad and tell him how much you love him.  Not "I love you because you are doing such a great job carrying this load," he will just feel more of the load if you do.  Just "I love you and am so impressed with you."  It will probably make his day and yours also, to get up in the flowers out of the ****.  :)

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Dec 04, 2014
Thanks Annie-

Just got off the phone with Mom who came from a counseling session and then went to pick up my aunt from detox.  Aunt is maintaining her drinking only got out of hand last year when her husband died.  This is laughable and goes to show she is nowhere near ready to admit her problem.

I told mom I loved her, but I couldn't talk about it anymore.
It's a tough time.

xo
Lu

Avatar universal
by weaver71, Dec 04, 2014
You only talk in circles anyway, you have done the right thing. No, the right thing doesn't always feel good, sometimes it's down right counter intuitive. So, now that is out of the way, what are we going to think and talk about now?

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Dec 04, 2014
Haha Weaver-

I would like to think and talk about the way that art heals.  Last night I was so engrossed in directing a scene in my acting class that I was completely transcended from my body.  I've had a hellofaweek with some of the worst pain and heavy bleeding I've ever experienced.  There were a few days when I really did think I was going to die from the pain.  I'm tapering, and it took me every single ounce of strength to not take more to numb the pain.  So it is a miracle to me that I have a job I can do which takes me to a place that is like an out of body experience.  I literally feel as though I am channeling something.  In ancient times, this was referred to as the Genius, that artists channeled to create work.  It is what I am the most grateful for today.  I trust it implicitly.  I know that if I show up and am open, it always appears.  The work was beautiful last night.  I am exhausted today but have a settled contentment that comes from knowing I am on the right path.
How's that for a convo starter???
xoxoxo

Avatar universal
by weaver71, Dec 04, 2014
I like it. As a matter of fact, I was just describing to my wife about how I suspend every thought and experience I have had and expand my mind beyond that which I know. Call it The Genius, Superconsciiusness, The Holy Spirit, but there is knowledge beyond 3 dimensions and 7 senses. That is the source of all greatness. Einstein expressed creativity being more important than knowledge, so he invented new math to express his new discoveries, beyond what he or anyone had known previously. I am so glad you are feeling it too, maybe I'm not crazy or maybe you are crazy, either way, I'm Just glad someone else can see it.

1926359 tn?1331588139
by lulu747, Dec 04, 2014
Tony haven't you figured it out yet?  WE'RE the sane ones (:

Yes, creativity used to be given much more props than it is currently.  I just know that it is ALWAYS my creativity that saves me.  It doesn't matter what is going on in the world, everything could be crashing down around me- if I immerse myself in a play, or a piece of writing, or a piece of choreography, I am always WHOLE.  

Avatar universal
by jbobeany, Nov 24, 2015
Yes, you are being too harsh, and selfish and disgusting and definitely sinning of the highest no matter your God or higher power you believe in.

You said you wished she died on more than one occasion, then, and I quote "
She liked the attention ". Either you're Satan with no regard for life, or your making things up. If she was showing " black blood " everywhere and a second set of emts were called she has no idea what was going on. You disgust me, but I will still pay for your peace. Seems  to me the only reason you were upset was attention was diverted from you " I had to ride to my appt all by myself ", than with the life if your own flesh and blood. It's easy to love someone that's healthy, auction free, and basically no " black shoes " true caring is loving someone, especially with black spots. I truly  feel sorry for those people such as yourself who can only function and give love and empathy as long as that person prescribes to the way those 12 steps dictate. I will pray for you daily, I know you're a stranger, but you are not at peace with yourself right now, haven't been for a long time. And everyone deserves inner peace, love, empathy.

A side note, I've read some of your posts and some are quite harmful. I know you think you're helping, but please either research first or suck your tongue if possible before dishing out detrimental info just because it's  what you happen to BELIEVE.

GOD BLESS AND GOOD LUCK!

Avatar universal
by jbobeany, Nov 24, 2015
Please excuse typos, a little tough on y this tiny phone and format of site (can't see half of what is typed) that was supposed to read, "although you're a stranger, I will pray for you daily " and "black spots" not black shoes;) seek advice and help, and I will continue my daily prayer for "lu".

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