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The Day that changed my daughter's life... And I couldn't save her.

Nov 30, 2014 - 0 comments



Young Adult bipolar




single parent


transgender couple


Mental disorders


parents in prison


loss of a child



The Butterfly Effect.

A lot of ppl have no idea what my daughter and I went through. We all have something dark in our past that most ppl will lend out a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, then give sympathetic words of advice. I quit telling ppl our story (mostly my daughters) because after I do tell, there's usually and awkward silence with no sympathetic words to give. Im not looking for sympathy nor is my daughter. Im looking for someone that may possibly going through simularitys, or a parent that has an adult child that suffers Bipolar, Anxiety, and PTSD.

That day. God what I would give to go back to that Wednesday and change one, simple decision. One decision that I poorly made, not knowing that it would change soooo many ppl's lives forever, esp my daughter. My daughter is 21 now. She was 11 that day she goodbye to Jake and her Dad.

There are so many children who do not have a Dad. Whether it's because of a sudden death, dead beat dad, a far away move, or illness, there are many many children that are being raised by one parent. But hey-- it's okay, it's 2014, lots of kids turn out okay because single mom's (or Dads) are super beings. Or at least I thought I was... until after "that day."

It was a beautiful, early September day. School had just began and was approaching labor day weekend. On Wednesdays there always were half days at the elementary school. The following day Thursday, we were leaving for a family vacation camping for Labor Day weekend. My daughters Grandma from her fathers side had been at school with my daughter. It was "Grandparents Day." even though my daughter was exceptionally close to mostly my parents she was extremely attached to her grandma Barb. This Day, Septemer 7th/8th 2004 is also the day in which caused beautiful Grandma Barb to take her own life in 2012.

Briefly, I need to explain the absent and few years of involvement of my daughter's father. His name is "Mike." Mike and I were a couple for 3 years. I met him directly out of High School back in April of 1991. He was 4 years older than I. I was commuting to college with a goal to raise my GPA and go away to a 4 yr university. I got all A's and one B that year. My grades were more than good enough-- they were great. I was acedemically ready to leave the nest. Little did I know, I wasnt mentally. My mom saw all the signs the day of enrollment... but, that's what you do in my family. Graduate, go to college and earn your degree, become indepent. I feel as if Ive only accomplished the first one (graduating H.S.). Im still struggling at 42 yrs of age. Anyways... Mike had a hard time staying away from at BGSU. He was constantly down there (BGSU is south of Toledo, Ohio). Mike lived 45 minutes north of the Ohio/Michigan border. At the time, I didnt know better. I thought he "loved me." He may of felt the same way, but looking back now, he was overly possesive and a control freak. I managed to miss school so much, I was suspended from BGSU for a total of 5 years. I could never return... Back to Mom & Dad I went. Back to the Community College as well. Back to Mike, who never let me find myself and my future. That first September back (1992) I found out I was pregnat. Scared and confused, I told my Mom and Dad before I even told Mike. I thought for sure my Father was going to lose it. For he was a workaholic at GM as a supervisor working 12 hr shifts, 7 days a week. He was then at home with a broken femur with a cast that went all the way up his leg to his hip. Boy was he miserable and made everyone else jyst as much. I told them not even 5 minutes after taking the PG test in the bathroom during a commercial break. Like I said, I was ready for a huge blow up from him. My mom-- Well, my mom has always been pretty supportive of me and your all around great mother. I was more or less worried about her getting the fall back from my father. "What do you want to do?" was my Dads first reaction. "I want to keep my baby..." I said while still comfotably surprised by my Dads question/reaction. "Ok, that's fine... But stay here. Ill help you and your baby financially so you can finish school. Just dont go with that guy (Mike). I don't like him, more importantly, I dont trust him."

To this very day, Ive never forgotten those words. As much as you think youre right and your parents are wrong, my father was so right about him. I stayed with my parents through out my pregnacy and after. My dad was still convinced I was to continue school and get my college degree. I even heard him say one morning: "Ill help Sara and the baby financially, but Im not going to get close to the baby." This prooved to me he was mad. Mad I dropped out of college because I had horrible morning sickness that lasted all day the first 5 months. He was mad he wasnt working. He was just mad period. For the entire 9 months I was pregnat, he was home with a broken leg. My mom worked teaching school, my sister was away at college. We drove my mom nuts! Being home bound, the 2 of us, we were forced to bond (Dad & I).

I gave birth on my due date in 1993. Mike and his mom, along with my mom were all there when I delivered. At one point, I had Mike & Grandma Barb (his mom) both holding my hand, both on each side excited for the new life we were bringing in this world. After a healthy delivery and another 24 hours, I was being discharged on a Sunday morning. Mike had to work, no getting out of. I had no vlue who was picking us up-- I assumed it would be good ol' Mom... for Dad "wanted nothing to do with that baby." As I sat in the hospital bed holding my little peanut all wrapped up, there was a voice I recognised at the door. "Are you ready, Baby?" There stood my Dad, smiling. He took us home and has been my daughter's #1 fan since. How he just loved her and still does.

To be continued...

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