Dec 02, 2014
It's crazy when I look at my calendar.
I mean, I look at it daily... It hasn't made me sad the last few weeks. I've been doing pretty good, actually.
But this morning, I cried on my way to work...
To the point where I was thinking of texting Corey and telling him to pick Riley up from school later, so that I could go see my counselor.
I haven't spoken much to medical staff after I lost Levi.
And even it being 3 mos exactly on Friday, it still upsets me.
They always ask 'how are you doing?'... And even if I've been fine that day, that entire week... I still burst out in tears.
Every. Single. Time.
I found out I lost my son legitimately DAYS after I told everyone....
How in the hell do you think I feel?
I went through my closet the other day, and put away a bunch of clothes. And Corey asked why he never saw me wear any of it. I didn't lie, I said to him 'it only looks good on me if I'm pregnant'.
You girls know what I'm talking about. The long sweater type 'dresses' but you wear them with leggings, or shirts that bunch up under the breast and are 'flowy' so as to accommodate your growing belly....
Those types of clothes. My belly band, etc.
I don't know what to do... I feel very lost. Like I'm stuck in a routine - yet, nothing is the same on a daily basis...
Ugh. I don't know. I'm hardly ever on Facebook anymore because I feel like every time I say I'm sad, or say something about losing him - people judge me and think I should be over it. ASIDE from my girl friends who've been through something like this.
I just feel like everyone on my Facebook is pregnant and everyone on here has fertility issues.
I'm scared to death about possibly having to go through the struggle some of you women are going through. I don't know how you do it. You're all so strong, SO strong.
I was, too. Until September 12th when I held my lifeless son in my hands.
*insert swear word here*
Like, I know it gets easier. Eventually. And I know I'm changed forever being through this. But I just don't know how to function anymore - all I think about is being pregnant/getting pregnant/having another baby/when I'm ovulating/wishing my period won't come this month/wondering if we will ever get pregnant again, and soon.
It's to the point where I feel like it's consumed me... And it's been not even 2 full months of 'trying'.
Ugh. Rant over :( back to work to attempt to fill my mind up with something I use to love doing, but it's hard to tell what I want anymore.