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Ending the TTC journey...

Dec 09, 2014 - 18 comments
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TTC

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journey

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Period

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Birth Control

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talking



Well, I think it's come to an end after only 'trying' for a month basically.
As some of you know, my boyfriend proposed to me the end of November...
And then yesterday afternoon, seemed a bit 'off' while eating lunch..
I texted him asking if everything was ok, and that he seemed down.
He replied that his 'head was all over the place' and when I asked 'in regards to what?', he replied with 'about Christmas, having another baby, being engaged, taking over the farm. I just don't know what to think about all of it'..
So obviously pre-period me loses my mind internally, cries at my desk for a bit, and then turns the sadness into anger.
So I call my Dr. and get an apt for Wednesday for Birth Control.
I get home last night, and aside from it being a bit awkward and not talking about it at ALL (mainly because he's a man, and I don't know what happened but he refuses to ever talk about anything that has to do with HIS feelings)
We were fine. held hands and snuggled, but didn't say a word to eachother.. about anything.
SO, this morning - I tell him I have a Dr. appt tomorrow (you know, thinking this will bring the conversation up...)
He said - 'I thought it wasn't until Jan 7th' (which he IS correct, but that's for my new OB/GYN because after Levi, my OB/GYN went to Hamilton, ON).
Anyways, I said 'yeah, I called and made one sooner' and he asked 'for what'
*deep breath* 'birth control' I say.
he says nothing..... not a DAMN THING.
So I get Riley ready for school, pack her lunch...
Get ready to leave and he comes over, hugs me and gives me a kiss and tells me to have a good day.........
*insert internal scream*
Like, is it just me??? Should I just go on the pill? He clearly doesn't know WTF he wants right now, and I'm not about to still TRY to get pregnant if he's all up in the air like this and $hit...
I just don't want to go on the pill or patch and then a month later have him be like 'ok. im ready' and then it takes us another 3 months from there to even get pregnant. But at the same time, as I said - I don't want to force him into continuing to try if he is unsure...
And don't even ask about condoms, most of you ladies know how 99% of the male population feel about them.
We thought we'd get pregnant right away, to be honest... So maybe because it's taking so long? (although our idea of 'long' is not even CLOSE to what some of your journey's have been, so I apologize!) I've had 3 periods (as of today being CD1 of cycle #3) since losing our baby boy in September... after this one we were going to give it one last shot and if I got my January period then we were going to put things on hold until after we got married.
And now, even THAT is up in the air it seems...
Any advice you guys can give would be much appreciated.

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2020005 tn?1476658962
by KTowne, Dec 09, 2014
I would definitely try talking to him before getting on birth control. Just because if he does change his mind, going off from BC is a process and then to get the hormones out of your system when you decide to try again can take up to 6 months. I would just try to have a calm talk with him and be like so are you okay with me going on birth control? Because if so, it's going to be a while before trying to get pregnant again, it can take a while for the hormones to leave your system to try again. Maybe instead of a birth control just don't try anymore, or avoid your ovulation days and pull out. Not a fool proof method, but I'm sure you all would be happy if you did happen to get pregnant. Sounds to me like he's just got a ton on his plate right now and is getting overwhelmed, I wouldn't take it personally, but definitely adding a baby to it might stress him out worse. I know that's the LAST thing you want to hear TTC. My husband was up and down a lot of the time while TTC our daughter and it was draining for me, to say the least. I would get my hopes up sooo high then he would change his mind and I would be depressed. I would just have a talk with him to see where his head is at right now. Good luck!!

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Dec 09, 2014
He knows all the technical stuff about going off BC. Our friends just came off the pill and are trying and it's taken them just as long as us after our miscarriage (and they still haven't had any luck). So he knows it can take a while from watching them first hand, as well as with us having no luck.
Ugh. I'm just wrecked right now. After losing our little boy, the only thing that kept me going was the hope of having another one, and having it not happen yet was a little irritating, but knowing we were trying put my mind at ease.
:(

973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Dec 09, 2014
To me, from what you've written, he seems somewhat relieved that you are not pressing for a baby right now.  He's tried to express to you---  knowing how much it is disappointing you----  that he is not wanting to try for a baby.  I'd talk to him about this but be open to the fact that he is content for now (and maybe forever)  to love you and family as it is without adding to it.  This may just be his answer. peace and  good luck  

973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Dec 09, 2014
To me, from what you've written, he seems somewhat relieved that you are not pressing for a baby right now.  He's tried to express to you---  knowing how much it is disappointing you----  that he is not wanting to try for a baby.  I'd talk to him about this but be open to the fact that he is content for now (and maybe forever)  to love you and family as it is without adding to it.  This may just be his answer. peace and  good luck  

973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Dec 09, 2014
A. sorry that posted twice and now reading your next post, I apologize if my answer seemed insensitive.  I didn't realize you recently lost a baby.  That is really so hard and definitely adds to our internal anxiety over the issue.   I wish you much peace.  Perhaps the loss factors into things as well as men deal with loss in different ways.  Again, very sorry for your pain.  peace

10117941 tn?1421474268
by nannewmom, Dec 09, 2014
I am so sorry your going through this. I think a break sometimes is a good thing though. My hubby and I had 7 misscarage and one ectopic pregnacy. We saw fertility dr's and I took meds I mean the whole thing you know. It got to be so exhausting,  sex was not even fun any more. Our marriage was up in the air to I couldn't give him what he wanted a child and I felt so guilty. For us it was opposite I wanted to stop trying I was so emotionally drained,  and physically exhausted. I felt like he had no regards for my feels, only cared for what he wanted.  Finally we stop and I quit my job to stay at homeand take a break. We live out in the country had a little bit of livestock sheep, a heard of about 22, and lots of chickens, gooes ducks, and dogs:-)So I stayed pertty busy we were not even trying any more, and six months after I quit my job we found out we were pregnant. But it was so hard for me to be excited becsuse I thought here we go again. I thought I would have another misscarage. But after 8 years of trying,  when we least expected with no help from dr we got pregnant and I will be 39wks tomorrow. I know you feel so frustrated and emotionally drained. But I have to say what saved us was talking through it. my husband is a macho, tough, mexican who does not like to talk about emotions at all. But I never stop trying to express my feelings and straight up would ask him up front how he felt. I stop feeling afraid of him giving me an answer I was not going to like, or would upset me. I told myself I would respect his feelings even if it meant him breaking my heart because at least I would know the truth. Instead of walking around on eggshells. I hope this helps, its what happened in my marriage. I share it with you, not to tell you what to do. But just so you know, your not alone, and dont loose hope♡Good luck to you, best wishes♡

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Dec 09, 2014
I think our loss plays into this as well, more so than he's leading on.
He was just as happy, if not more so than me when we found out I was pregnant.
He has a daughter (2yrs) from a previous relationship who lives in AB, and we are in ON. She was just here for a week visiting and he said he misses her. Which, obviously I get.
We had just gotten so use to having another little one around, and then lose him. So when his daughter was here, she filled that void - and now is gone again.
I'm with you nannewmom, I try to express myself in the most calm way.. but I'm SO emotional now, that even when I'm not upset with him, or at anything specific... I still feel like I'm coming off as 'overboard'.
I'm still mourning, he knows that. And I know he's dealt with it in an entirely different way then I have.
I'm only 2 months into trying and feel like giving up. I don't know how you guys who go through this for years do it :(
That's the thing though, I don't want to have it happen when we least expect it. I had a plan... And now it's in pieces since we lost Levi.
I was to have the baby in Feb 2015, plan our wedding for the fall of 2015 (because I'd have allllll year to plan).
and now, I have no idea where to start :( Levi came out of nowhere but made life make sense all of a sudden. And now I'm 100% more lost without him than I was before.

134578 tn?1614729226
by AnnieBrooke, Dec 09, 2014
I think it might be good to take time and heal from the loss of the baby.  Not by having another baby immediately, although I know people do try to do it that way.  He sounds like he is grieving.  You have a lot on your plate, and grief makes our minds not feel quite normal (believe me I know this one from experience.  When I finally got better I felt more truly myself again.)  He is grieving but you are too, and so trying to put all the burden of guessing and speculating and wondering ALL on how he is behaving is not entirely accurate.  You need some time too.  And don't worry that if you go on the Pill you will not be able to conceive ... certainly some kinds of birth control are worse than others in terms of the effect taking a while to leave your system, but you don't need to go on that kind.  Why not get an IUD instead?  You can get pregnant right away after having one removed.

What if you turned your schedule around so your next big project is the wedding and not the next baby?  That would give you an absorbing thing to focus on that doesn't push your boyfriend's grief button quite so hard.

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Dec 09, 2014
That's the thing, he's overwhelmed with 'being engaged' as well.
I think the last thing I want to do right now is bring up 'what caterer do you want' as well...
I'm a pretty driven person, and when I get my sights set on something, it's hard to just stop.
So cutting the 2 biggest most exciting things out. I feel like I'm left with nothing, really... I was excited and hoping to share baby news for Christmas... So this is a big blow for me :(
After we lost Levi, I brought up getting a puppy INSTEAD of EVER having another baby, and he said no...
I got a dog after my last miscarriage and it helped me IMMENSLY - I feel dogs really are the best therapy.
He has 3 dogs but they stay at his moms house, (we live on a farm where his mom lives across the street and his grandma next door, lol)
But they're stinky outside farm dogs and he HATES when they're in the house.. Even though I'M the one who cleans. He knows how much I love animals and dogs specifically.
2 days after being released from the hospital I remember just crying in bed, like - weeping. And he called Brick inside and had him jump up on our bed and lay with me.


2020005 tn?1476658962
by KTowne, Dec 09, 2014
I think you need time to focus on you. It sounds like (and with great reason) that you are depressed and mourning still. Which is completely understandable. You need to get yourself back to #1 first before anything else. You need a healthy mama before you get pregnant with another baby. I would focus on you and your fiance for a while, grieve together, mourn together, and get through this together, you will be so much closer in the end. Have you talked to your dr about the grief and saddness at all? They may be able to prescribe you a depression medicine or maybe even talk to someone about it. I think you both need some time right now, to clear your head, get back to yourselves, because when you do get married and when you do get pregnant again, you will be at peace and it's going to be so much less stressful for both of you!

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Dec 09, 2014
I don't / didn't want meds because of trying to get pregnant again.
I'm the type of person where I don't like birth control because I hate not knowing if it's the pills/hormones messing with my emotions, or if it IS in fact just me being crazy... So far, it's just me. lol which I can deal with.
It comes and goes I guess... This is the first time he's EVER been like this.. So it's new to me, maybe that's why I'm having a hard time dealing with it?
Ugh. I've thought about counseling, for me. But it seems that being on this site has actually helped me quite a bit. Helping other women get through their losses, etc.
I'll never be 'the same' as I was before because I'll be mourning my lost son until the day I die.
I've told him he needs to open up to me a bit more about things etc. But he never does... My last ex and I had the same issue. He wouldn't 'let me in', and I just feel like I'm being too needy sometimes.

2020005 tn?1476658962
by KTowne, Dec 09, 2014
I don't blame you, I'm incredibly cautious about taking meds, of ANY nature. My husband is very closed off when things are bothering him, but usually if we're alone and I can get him one on one and be like "what is going on lately? what's bothering you" - he'll say "nothing" - I have to push farther like "what's going on? you aren't acting normal" he will open up. I think once the pressure of having another baby right now is off he'll go back to himself and that might open up wedding planning or maybe even trying for a baby again. Our daughter was planned and even then, it's scary, even without a loss. But he's probably afraid of losing another one or going through that again, just like you are. Maybe he's just on an emotional roller coaster right now. Your best bet is to talk to him, and that's not you being needy, just communicating. Have you guys talked since he left for work?

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Dec 09, 2014
Yeah. I told him that I don't want to push him into something he doesn't want, whether it's a baby or the wedding. And that I love him too much to put a strain like either of those on our relationship.
He said he knew that. And then asked if I needed anything done around the house, and told me he'd vacuum tonight (it's my moms birthday dinner at our house)... We're okay now, I guess. Not that we weren't, just had a little blip.
And KTowne, he's super paranoid of having to watch me go through the pain of losing another one, as well as him deal with another loss as well. He's already stated that when we sat down and talked about 'when' because the Dr said we could try right away. We both agreed to, but are scared to have to go through that again.
I told him I'd back off about the baby thing (and I haven't even mentioned anything wedding related yet)
so we'll see where time takes us. I'd like to say after the holidays will be back 'normal' but my daughters 5th birthday is middle of January, and Levi's due date (feb 23) was the day before Corey's birthday (feb 24) in February :(
So that will hit us hard, I'm sure :(

2020005 tn?1476658962
by KTowne, Dec 09, 2014
I'm sure it will :( But who knows, maybe without really "trying" another little miracle will pop up in the meantime. My husband and I decided to start trying for our daughter and I wanted it immediately. It took us 3 months and that felt like a lifetime. The month I "gave up" on actually trying, was the month we got pregnant, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that this happens for you, and if it comes about without trying, I'm sure you and DH will both be thrilled!

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Dec 09, 2014
I just don't want it to happen like that and have him be like 'its not the right time'... or something equally as crushing.

2020005 tn?1476658962
by KTowne, Dec 09, 2014
Yeah I understand. Who knows maybe he will feel less overwhelmed sooner than you think and be ready to try again!

134578 tn?1614729226
by AnnieBrooke, Dec 09, 2014
I saw a grief counselor after I lost my twins and it helped a lot.  I was on MedHelp giving advice at the time also.  But the definite more powerful help was the counselor.  I recommend it.

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Dec 10, 2014
We seemed better when I got home last night.
He still won't bring up the 'putting the baby on hold' thing though, and I'm too scared to...

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