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You're tied to me like an anchor to my soul

Dec 29, 2014 - 9 comments
Tags:

son

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helps

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child

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Heart

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feel

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Miscarriage



While I sit here, and think about all the good things in my life that I'm thankful for... I can't help but think of you - and how we should be anxiously awaiting your arrival.
I was doing 'well' (I use that term lightly) holding it together this Christmas season... I thought of you often, I cried when I was alone, but I held it 'together'...
It ***** when all I do is think of you and it seems like no one else does.
Your little face is etched into my mind that I don't feel bad for not looking at your picture everyday... Because you're always on my mind.
While it's been almost 4 mos since we found out we lost you, I can say things have gotten easier... But every now and then I get choked up.
I came in to work this morning for the first time since Christmas break and there was a little stocking next to my mouse on my desk... I work at a tractor dealership and run a shop full of men between the ages of (our co-op/apprentices) 18/19 - 50... So it's hard to think any of them would get me a gift, lol.
But when I opened it, I knew exactly who it came from.
After I lost Levi, I was obviously heartbroken, sad, lost, distraught, and just an all around mess. I'd dispatch a job, and in the middle of explaining what needed to be done, I'd start bawling.
A technician approached me in my office, and sat down. He was/is a pretty quiet guy, but funny when he does talk. So the fact he opened up to me, meant a lot considering he usually keeps to himself. He had said that 4yrs prior, he lost his son at around 20yrs old (I can't remember how old.. er, young* exactly) unexpectedly in an accident. He went on about how hard it was, and that things get better... er, easier* with time.
So when I opened this little angel ornament with her head down, clutching a heart as if she were holding a child, that said 'faith' on it. I knew right away who it came from.
It makes my heart heavy with sadness that you aren't here, and we've already crossed paths - but realizing I'm not the only one who remembers you, and that i'm still hurting, makes it a little lighter...



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1580318 tn?1550254481
by Shannon79, Dec 29, 2014
What a beautiful tribute to your precious little angel Levi.

I've never had a miscarriage, so I won't pretend to know what you're going through. But I couldn't even imagine the pain and heartache.

What a beautiful gift your coworker gave to you. Cherish that.

You aren't the only one who thinks about Levi. Your DF does too. And you know he does because he confessed that he didn't want to have to plant another tree.

While the pain and hurt will never fully go away, it will get easier with time. (I'd be more worried if it didn't bother you).

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Do you mind if I ask how far along you were when you lost Levi?

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Dec 29, 2014
Thanks Shannon.
I found out there was no heartbeat for him at my 16wk check-up (September 5th). And was induced and delivered him in the Hospital September 11th at 6pm and had him at 2:18am the 12th.
They said he was only 14.5wks gestation - But I swore I felt him moving a few nights before that check-up. Because I remember being worried that I had felt him on the Tuesday and Wednesday, but not Thursday night - and made a note in my brain to ask the Dr. if that was normal.

1580318 tn?1550254481
by Shannon79, Dec 29, 2014
That would s*ck.

The same thing happened to my brother's gf except she was over 20 weeks. The baby was a boy and he had severe spina bifida. They'd had an ultrasound and found that out. They went to the Dr a couple days later to discuss it and check on him by ultrasound. He had no heartbeat and she had to deliver him. That would be the hardest thing in the world to do I think. Delivering a baby that you will never get to see smile, hear them laugh

2020005 tn?1628125976
by KTowne, Dec 29, 2014
Awe this just breaks my heart, I can't even imagine losing a child, but I'm sure more people than you think, think of him also. I still think of my little niece all the time, I just never say it because I don't want to upset anyone or remind them. That was so nice of your co-worker!! Thinking of you :(

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Dec 29, 2014
The hardest part was that physically, he was perfect. Ten fingers, ten tiny toes, everything was perfect to the naked eye - so I assumed something internally was wrong. But test results showed he was perfectly healthy... His heart just, stopped. And that's what s*cks. We have no answers to why he didn't make it :(
I know way too many women that have had second trimester losses - it scares me to death. But knowing that anything can happen, and things can change your life SO quickly at any time makes me live everyday like it's my last or SOMEONE's last.
You never know what battle someone is fighting on the inside... So a random act of kindness can change someone's day or week for that matter.
Someone on the 'Pregnancy after loss' fb group I'm in, just lost her rainbow at 19wks. My heart aches for her beyond belief.

2020005 tn?1628125976
by KTowne, Dec 29, 2014
It is scary how quickly things can change. My husband and I were thinking of trying for 1 more later on when Chloe was 4-5, and after my sister in law found out her baby had spina bifida and terminated, we have kind of just learned to appreciate we have two healthy children, I don't want to risk it with a 3rd.

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Dec 29, 2014
I'm at that point now as well.
I kept putting a time limit on having another baby and saying I didn't want to have another baby after 27... But I'm 27 now. And thinking of summer coming up and how I was pregnant this past summer and couldn't really have 'fun' like everyone else, has made me think that if it doesn't happen soon/by summer 2015 - I'd be okay with that.
We're looking at getting a 4-wheeler - so that will occupy my time and help me be outside this (next) spring / summer :)


961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Dec 29, 2014
What a perfect gift.  Sometimes someone just "gets it" when no one else does.  
Life isn't always as we have planned. It's funny, I never wanted children until I was in my 30's.  Then, I put the cap on it...if no kids by 35, done.  Then, I moved it to 40...well, my twins were born when I turned 45.  Not how I pictured life, but what a life it is.  Don't put a cap on your decision.  Sometimes the timeline we have in our minds, arent the timelines that are meant to be.  Be kind to yourself.  You deserve it.  Keep reaching for your dreams, no deadlines, no end dates...just keep reaching and believing.  
(((hugs))) to you!


Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Dec 30, 2014
I put a cap on it when I was very young. My mom was 32 when she had me, and I just felt that because she was so "old" (even though it's only 5yrs away for me, lol!) that was the reason she never really wanted to DO anything with me, but as time went on I realized it was because she had a drinking problem. I still wanted to cap it at 27 though for some reason. Mainly because I feel/felt I wouldn't have enough energy past 30 to take care of a toddler-6yr old (the baby phase and after 5 is fine lol they're somewhat 'calm' then)
I'm kind of at the 'if it happens it happens' stage now.
I'm still charting but not forcing myself on Corey anymore lol. Go figure - sex drive is through the roof now  haha.

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