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disappearing sparks

Jan 02, 2015 - 0 comments

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now.
I want nothing more than to sit my fiancé down, and tell him everything i'm feeling, and how everything he's doing, not doing, and not saying is utterly crushing me from the inside out.
But he'll sit there stone-faced and say nothing.
No reassuring at the time, no hugs or kisses to show me we're going to be okay.
He'll listen as intently as anyone COULD possibly listen - but say not one word.
He'll let me stir, whether he knows he's doing it or not... and then just when I'm about to lose my mind, he finally gives me what I've been wanting and asking for the entire time.
Grabs my face and kisses me and looks into my eyes full of so much love, when mine are full of tears and broken pieces of my heart.
And finally tells me he loves me for the first time in days/weeks.
I'd like to say he has no idea what he's doing to me, but I've told him.
He knows.
I'm not putting a time-line on my feelings, because I know I'll never stop loving him.
But a strong woman such as myself can only take so much. And after so many ********, idiots and men who have harmed me emotionally and physically... He was supposed to be the one to put an end to all of that.
I don't HAVE a backup plan. I didn't prepare myself for 'when / if' we break up. Because I never thought it would happen... And now, the only questions running through my head, is when... When will it happen.
When my phone goes off. I hope it's him responding to my text message, telling him how much I love him...
When his phone goes off, I highly doubt he's checking it to see if I'M the one who messaged him.
I don't deserve that. I realize it's hard dealing with someone that has a child from a previous relationship, but we did just fine for 9 months...
It's hard to get your relationship back on track after something like that, if the person that DID it, and caused this (whatever THIS is), isn't channeling their attention where it SHOULD be going.
I'm not trying to come off as some high and mighty person here. But the fact that I'm being shunned for feeling this way because of something HE'S doing, isn't right. And I refuse to apologize for something that I didn't do. And I didn't cause.
If I talked to my ex behind his back and was contemplating getting back together with him, and TOLD corey about it. I would expect him to be crushed. As I am. But after choosing him (like he did me) I'd be busting my *** and sucking up and telling him how SORRY I was for even THINKING of it, etc.
I get opposites attract, but we're two different people. Maybe even too different... :(

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