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Should this couple get married? Need advice

Jan 22, 2015 - 8 comments

It is my belief that within a couple, or two people you need to have one person that can be the peacemaker. Of course in a perfect world, no one would have a bad temper, but its not always the case. My son, who is 44, diagnosed himself when he called himself "a snap case". He is not violent, never has been, never will be, but he does get mad quickly. I am happy to say that he also "recovers" quickly and then he is nice again. Let me explain please that when I say snap case I don't mean that his like a man who would ever burn his house down or go shoot up the post office, he is very bright, personable and has a great sense of humor. We are laughing all the time in our house. I describe it as needing a "chill pill" only I mean literally. High strung, wound too tight. You get the idea. His father did not have this problem at all and I do not either. His doctor gave his Lorazapam and that helps so hasn't taken the problem away. Now Michael's fiancée, they are supposed to be married in May, she has the same problem times two. She talks to herself in the bathroom, and I don't mean just a phrase or two. She non-stop goes in there and talks the entire time shes in there. My room is on the other side of the wall, that's why I know. I can't make out what she is saying (I wish I could). They fight (argue) every day. In loud voices. Enough to upset me and my dog. It is so loud!! I wish I could say "Look you two change your behavior or get out. But we are all renting this house. When they are fighting (arguing) she will come to their bedroom and SLAM the door as hard as she can and then stand there and SCREAM. I know she takes Cymbalta & Tramadol but I don't know the reason for the Cymbalta. She sure does NOT act depressed. If I were a doctor I would probably DX her as bi-polar and personality disorder, but I am not a doctor and I really don't know. I just know she has some personal demons shall we say. I am not making light or fun of mental illness because I know it is real and anyone can suffer from it. They are both recovering addicts that have well my son has 12 yrs and they are both very active in NA/ so they try to get better, and I really do believe they love each other, but.......I know deep in my heart that I can't change anyone, heck maybe I need a doctor to figure out how to cope with it. I can't afford to move out and go get another older lady to be roomie's with, been there done that and there is a lot of weird people out there too!!  I don't know I guess I'm just venting, I am relatively happy everyday, and we acknowledge the Lord and know we have blessing in our home. I'm just wondering if maybe they are not the best match, ya know?? Why set yourself up for heartache? Or
chaos everyday. I enjoy quiet and peace and always say "Don't sweat the little stuff" Anyway, just sayin'.

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535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Jan 24, 2015
bawwwBreezy  must be so hard to live with for you, I have one who gets angry quickly aswell, its not nice ,but at least its only one two must be hard.Have you told your son how it makes you feel ? I agree they dont seem well matched , lord help any child from them.The screaming certainly would concern me maybe get out with Rusty as much as you can away from them., she sounds like she has a problem coping.Hope you can work something out ...

6669309 tn?1462648142
by breezytoo, Jan 24, 2015
Now when I read this I think it sounds silly. I think I just needed to vent. Sometimes maybe its better to vent on a piece of paper you can tear up after you read it, hah!! My little problems and trials are nothing. Pffffff.....thanks for listening though.

6669309 tn?1462648142
by breezytoo, Jan 28, 2015
As much as my heart just hurts for a grandchild, in this case, well let's just say maybe its a blessing that they could never have a child. :(  Michael got a neighbor & school mate, Pg. (she was his girlfriend) the really bad part was that she was only 14 & Michael 16. I went to talk to her parents and made my apologizes, it's was clearly too little to late at that point.
As it turns out, that would be the one and only time Michael ever got anyone Pg again. Jessica's parents took her to Planned Parenthood, not just for protection but an illegal abortion too. I don't think they were legal in Michigan back in 1986. Planned Parenthood use to send people to churches in Detroit that would put you through to a Doctor that did abortions in his basement (of all places) I know this because my husband #1, made me get one, my parents weren't willing to help me, nor my husband whom said "If you have this baby, I will leave you and you will never get one dime." I was naïve or scared enough to believe him. The ironic part of this is that fact that after he cheated on me with my BFF (RIGHT) I had to leave him.

The Abortion: We drove and drove and drove until we were into the blackiest part of Detroit. In front of the Wrigley's Grocery store was a black Cadillac. I was bawling like a baby already. My husband says "Get into that car and they will bring you back later." So I did. We drove and drove and drove again until we were in the ritziest part of town I had ever seen. Finally we pulled into a driveway that sloped down and the garage door opened. When I walked into the room there were chairs covering the circumference (mis spelled) of the room and every seat was covered by young women and I wasn't the youngest. (18) One by one they would call people in and I kept saying "You can go before me" until I was the last one remaining. I will only say the whole experience was de-humanizing and soooo SAD to me. I felt so unloved and so unwanted, like I didn't have a chance in hell. They did get me a drug that made me feel surreal but only started working as I was leaving. God that was so long ago, but I will never forget that. After Roe vs Wade passed women's rights than that whole thing became safer for women anyway. To this day I want that baby back, Michael's brother or sister we will never know.

I know that Dezy takes Cymbalta but I don't know why, but I know she isn't depressed. Wow, Margy it is getting warm here! We only had two days of rain and Ca. needs so much more, there is no doubt that we are in a drought! TTL xoxo

535822 tn?1443976780
by margypops, Jan 28, 2015
awwww Breezi I can imagine how it feels ..so sad losing any child by whatever means .Life moves on and you have to forgive yourself..so tou gh so hard ...I am pro life so I can imagine how hard it is .Have you thought to work with children that may help you, many need help ..
.

Avatar universal
by remar, Jan 29, 2015
I hope you don't mind me jumping in to your conversation. I wanted to say how bad I feel for you. As a teen and no one to help you in anyway you really didn't have much of a choice. It can be so very hard to move on from something you didn't want to do and something you had no choice in.
I also wanted to say I'm sorry you don't have something your truly want, grandchildren. My husband and I have an only child, our daughter. She always said she never wanted children because she felt like she wouldn't be a good mother. She saw how very hard her father and I worked to raise her. This is her life and I respect her choices. We could not be more proud of the young woman she is and everything she's accomplished in her life. Still, we would so love to have a grandchild!
Have you tried talking to your sons fiance to find out why she takes Cymbalta? It's not only a depressant but some Drs use it to treat pain. Since she takes Tramadol maybe they're using Cymbalta to treat pain or some kind of medical condition you know nothing about. I think you have a right to know she's she may be your future daughter in law and you're sharing a home with her. Some medications can cause strange symptoms, like anger, her talking to herself, things like that.
You're right about no one being able to tell them if the should or should not get married. Only they can make that decision. You can set them both down and talk to them about how their fighting is effecting you and your pet. You can also recommend couples counseling. You do not have to be married to do that.
I really hope everything works out. All of this stress is in no way good for you.
Please don't worry about posting what you're feeling. If you want or need to rant we're here to listen and help in anyway we can.

6669309 tn?1462648142
by breezytoo, Jan 29, 2015
Remar, You are a dear soul, to tell you the truth I thought I was writing  Margypops  a private message. Not that it matters, the cat's out of the bag, I said it and I appreciate hearing from others that have disappointments in our lives. We are all on our own journeys through this life but it helps so much to remember, re-process and go on from there. One day I will tell my whole early life start in this life. I got a rough life and fought very hard for self-esteem and learning why things like good character and honesty were essential in your life,
  You don't say how old your daughter is or if she is married. Sometimes if/when the right man comes along, it can change the whole ballgame when it comes to having children, so don't get up yet.
  I know that Dezy was in a very bad car accident and her neck will never be the same, migraines, pain, shes very emotional too, more so than the average person. Thank you so much for adding to this remar,
I hope your day is a super one, I am wanting to take Rusty to one of the convelesant homes nearlyby for a pet & love session. I can get smiles out of people who haven't responded to anyone in months. Funny how a little furry love can bring out the best of us! :) The staff loves it too. Spread some cheer today, all it takes is a smile, and they are free!! So lets go out and spread that "shot" everywhere!! Yesterday is history, tomorrow might not come...today is what we do have so let's make the most of it...........God Bless You xoxo

Avatar universal
by weaver71, Jan 29, 2015
I've met Italian, Romani Gypsies, Hillbilly, actually quit a few ethnic groups I've seen couples who's fighting was like therapy for both of them. Me, being bipolar, I can't stand the yelling. When my wife and teen daughter go at it, I go sit in the yard and wait, rain, snow or shine, just like the postal delivery. Some people have a lower threshold for stress and need a regular release of the tension. I was an only child in a dysfunctional home, so never learned the value of a good fight, until I got married. My poor wife had to learn me that there. Like Archie Bunker, I've met people like that, just enjoy snide and sarcastic comments, but there is another side to the person often only a spouse can see. My parents fighting was not healthy, so I thought all fighting was bad. You seem to have realized it is their life and not yours, just by venting, nice job. It seems it is making you think about yourself and life though, which is a good thing.

As a man and no illigitimate kids, I have never aborted a child, probably luck, cause I ain't as quick at the draw as Doc Watson or Jessie James. As a teen, I took many young girls and women to have abortions. I was like a teen girl support in highschool, just my nature I guess. Anyway, everyone I ever took, I explained how very few don't regret it. Older women seem to handle it better, and the true resolution is often upon having a child. Like we always say, focus on what you have rather than what you don't. Well, a young girl who lives with their first love or with mom and dad don't have much yet. That is a huge loss of power and worth, to stop ones life giving power and motherly Instincts in their tracks. I like the suggestion of working with kids as a form of therapy, if you like kids. Again, focusing on what we do have and opportunities that haven't passed is always a good therapy, for anyone.

I volunteered at Headstart, low income preschool. I loved it, so did the kids. I have only shaved a few times in my life and many of those kids didn't have a grandfather, father, or any positive male role models. Story time, I'd have 12 kids trying to sit on my lap and stroke my beard. The young ladies woukd have 2 or 3 kids wanting to read with them. It was cool to be appreciated just for being there, like the smiles your dog gives out so freely. My bipolar can be fun for kids, I can be boisterous and childlike myself, they even liked my bipolar, that was awesome! I also care more about the spirit of the law than I do the letter of the law. We all love the hero outlaws, putting justice above the law. Let's see, batman, ironman, Spider-Man, most of our heroes are outlaws with big hearts. I'm not sure why I shared this, maybe you needed something from it. So, I guess my point is an old Hillbilky saying, "Gotta make due with what you got," and I think you already know that, just here to agree with you.

Now, go out a spread that dog's contagious smile, can never have to many smiles.

It's in the high 50's low 60's up in the mountains, this drought is crazy. The last 2 years, all the plants and animals started working their spring schedule a mo th early, this year, it's 6 weeks. The manzanita have already bloomed and the dogwoods are setting blooms, it's January! If you study the Sequias that are thousands of years old, the rings indicate that the rain we have had the last 100 years is a fluke. Historically, California was much more dry before that and we are returning to the d patterns. Explaining doesn't help the situation, Cali grows 60% of the U.S. food. I am sad for the farmers, another mass migration seems to be around the corner of human history. The animals migration has already changed, and is still changing. This is a time where faith is needed, I do a Shamisitic rain dance every time I see a cloud. I also dance in the rain, the few chances I get. I appreciate whatever we get, trying not to worry about the next generations.

Take it easy, or any way you can get it, PEACE!

Tony


6669309 tn?1462648142
by breezytoo, Jan 31, 2015
Tony, Aren't kids just the greatest! Sooooo funny and smart and I love them all, I am going to start calling around to local convalesant homes to see if they will let Rusty & I come and make some smiles for them very soon!
It is bad enough that we only got two days of rain in Sac, but we still have a chance ti fill up our waterways so desparately needed, If we can get a real good snowy season up on the hills and mountains, we will get their watershed and be fine, trouble is I'm afraid they will have their own drought up there. We will see,
Boy I heard ya, because of my childhood and marrying into only what I knew I have a kind of PTSD of my own and just go numb and cannot take hearing screaming or fighting at all. I have built my own walls but never saw a doctor just try to cope, ya know. That;s why I do better living alone but don't want to do that with the money I bring in, social security doesn't go far. Isn't walking and dancing in the rain therapeutic as heck? Don't do it nude though, the police fround on that. (jealous probably) lol Take care my friend, make it an awesome day....hey bro, we are still kickin"!!!  xoxo Darla

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