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Devastated~ Where to go from here???

Nov 06, 2009 - 23 comments

I can not believe the way this last month has turned out..... I celebrated my 2nd Anniversary Sept. 22nd, I could tell then somthing was wrong. We have been together 8 yrs, I know him like a book right???? Well He tells me he's unhappy... WHAT??? So I try to do everything he says is the problem well he still was not happy, HE LEFT ME!!! Who does this?

We tried for 5 LONG years to have a baby, we get her and he leaves?? I am so confused and hurt and upset GRR all at the same time, my heart can not hurt anymore and I feel like there should be no more tears left, how did I not see this coming, he was my best freind and I was his...wasn't I?? I am completely blind sided and I don't know how I am going to get over this, He is the love of my life, I was happy...blissfully.

We havnt told Trevor, my 9 yr old ( from a previous marriage) but Jeremy has been a dad to him since he was 1. He will not cope well, he has some abandonment issues anyways from other tramas in his life. He has been so sad lately without this burden so we told him Jeremy had to work out of town.....Obviously that won't work for-ever. My 15 year old knows and is crushed, but has honestly been my support, we are best friends.  

He did tell his mother he did not want a divorce yet, he just needed time to see if he was still in love with me b/c at the moment he dosen't feel it...BUT how will I ever trust him again??? He has shattered my heart. I mean this is the last thing in a million years that I would have ever thought would happen (including everyone else that knows us) We are the happy family we never had problems, we or I guess I was living my American dream, I mean look at my family it is beautiful, I just don't know if I will ever understand.........

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784382 tn?1376931040
by turkee23, Nov 06, 2009
im so sorry you going thru this... i know its hard but you need to be strong and there for your son... your his mother and cant depend on a man to be there for him... i know it going to be totally tramatizing for your son as well but he will understand, one day.... dont worry about your ex.... i know you loved him but now its time to focus on you and your son....stay strong!.....

562884 tn?1279632334
by kikicoates78, Nov 06, 2009
Oh I know, he also knows I am there for him, and I know Trevor will be fine, I just hate to see the hurt in them. Luckily the baby has no clue.

143123 tn?1274300825
by krushing, Nov 06, 2009
Keisha, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I was just where you are now about a month ago, except it was me not happy.  I realized the past years DH and I had been just living to get our son.  And then when he was here, it was like, okay, all of our stress moved on to something else.  DH and I were just going through the motions, but really had no relationship.  After going back to work, it truly was eat sleep and take care of Reece.  No "us" time.  And I was the one doing everything and I honestly thought, if I'm doing everything now, why stay...I could do "everything" somewhere else.  But, DH and I sat down and talked and things have been working out better...if MIL could cooperate, but that is another story!  You were in the same boat as me, as far as trying and trying to get a baby.  And you based your life around that...maybe your DH needs some time.  I'm not saying what he has put you through is right, but I do know men aren't as strong as women, no matter who they are...and they stress out a lot easier than us.  I hope the two of you can work things out...I'm here if you need to talk...

294043 tn?1354207946
by Helen72, Nov 06, 2009
I am so very sorry you are going through this.  What a shock!  I hope you and dh can work it out for yourself and your kids.
((HUGS))

330481 tn?1309488243
by scienceteacher79, Nov 06, 2009
My ex did this too. One day he just looked at me in the middle of a conversation and said "I am not happy" and packed his stuff and left. My baby was 2 and we were stationed in Germany at the time. It was horrible. I had no inkling at all. Then I find out his "girl" friend came and picked him up. Yeah, he had been having an affair with some girl who had a husband and stepchildren. They ruined both my marriage and her marriage (the only justice here is that they are miserable together now :) HAHA KARMA IS A BIIIOOOOTTTCCCHHH!). Now he realizes what a mistake he made :) HAHA!! ***** to be him! Men can be so cruel and never think of the consequences to their actions. I am praying that whatever happens you find the strength to be there for your kids. If he wants to be a jerk, then you are better off. If he comes back, then tell him what makes you unhappy too. You both will have to work at this or you will end up being a slave to him (trust me) and walking on eggshells all of the time. Meanwhile (in my opinion) - break into his email accounts and phone records and see if there is anything "interesting" - check your computer hard drive too. I know this sounds paranoid but if you find anything, you may be able to use it againist him if he walks away. I just want YOU protected in all of this. Good luck girly - if you need to vent, I have been through this and we can talk.

Good luck - Jen

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by kikicoates78, Nov 06, 2009
LOL Jen trust me, I've been "looking" he is either really good or not doing anything. Right now he is staying at his moms and she tells me everything, not to mention for the last 2 weeks that this has been going on he has given me all but $100 a week from his paycheck, either that or she is a real cheap date!

No I honestly don't think it's someone else, I think he is dealing with growing up issues and he also said he felt like I took all he did for me for granted and I didn't appreciate all the hard work he does for us to have nice things, NOT TRUE. He is reffering to my house keeper, I hate to do house work so I hire a girl to clean it, I pay for it out of my "extra" money so I thought it was fine, he thinks I should of had more respect for it to keep it clean myself, well I would LOVE for him to play Mr. MOM to 3 kids for 2 weeks and work as a nurse full time, and see how much he wants to clean!

I am a strong woman, I have a good support system, and such beautiful kids ;) I can find happiness in that alone, I just really thought I had it all. I think it is still just the shock of it all and the unknowing of what is going to happen, I am a planner! I can't plan when I get "I Don't Know!" Its driving me nuts. I just hope it is all resolved by Thanksgiving. Every year that we have been together I do Thanksgiving both of our families all come to our house, it will be sad without HIM this year, Because I know all of his family will still be here!

Avatar universal
by AriQueen, Nov 06, 2009
Hi Kiki, I was reading your post and it truly saddens me to read what you are going through. I know it;s tough but you need to hang in there. And yes you have a beautiful family and I am sure things will work out in the long run for you. Best of luck! XOXO

562884 tn?1279632334
by kikicoates78, Nov 07, 2009
Today is a new day, I feel good. I'm not gonna cry today, I need to do that for myself. It's going to be a good day :)

736293 tn?1316517842
by kylesMom09, Nov 08, 2009
Keisha-  I am soooo sorry that you have to go through all of this right now...My hubby and i had some problems when i was about four months pregnant and i truly think it was that he had some growing up to do also.  Luckily we got things worked out and most of it was things he had to work out himself.  So hopefully your husband can take a step back from things and realize what he is truly walking away from.  Even a strong woman can be hurt be the people she loves most.  I truly wish you, your boys and beautiful little Addy nothing but the best.  I hope everyday gets a little better and you can get things figured out.  If you ever need to talk please contact me.  Sending lots of hugs and love your way!!  Heather

562884 tn?1279632334
by kikicoates78, Nov 09, 2009
Well my husband is officially a D*CK I know it's not nice, but he asked me for a divorce last night... ON MY BIRTHDAY!  I am still just so confused... I decided to take a personal day at work, I even let the boys play hookie, he told them last night as well. He said " I'ts all my fault don't be mad at your mom" ooohh I could just take his head off right now.  Yesterday was just stinky.

On top of it all the baby is sick, and very needy. I suddenly became a single mom this week, and I never even saw it coming. He is seriously just ok walking away from us.  

212720 tn?1304375415
by Quinns momma, Nov 09, 2009
I am so sorry. I know how hard and devistating this must be on you. He seems very selfish and unsure of himself. It will be very difficult for quite some time. BUT you are a very strong woman and will come through all of this.

330481 tn?1309488243
by scienceteacher79, Nov 09, 2009
I am so sorry! (Are you sure he isn't cheating...sounds like what ex did to me). Now - you have to focus. You can cry later! :) You need to make sure he feels as guilty as possible (trying to make sure you are provided for) and he should give you child support starting now and before any court orders you need to take care of custody and visitation (it makes it easier to do it now and have a plan in place when you go for the divorce/custody thing). I know you don't want to hear any of this but I wsh someone had pulled me up by my hair and made me focus. You deserve for him to pay for what he has done to you. I have been through this WHOLE THING so if you need to vent, talk, GET EVEN :), plot, anything - message me :) HUGS to you - be strong for yourself and your kids. You can cry at night when they are sleeping. Lord knows I did for at least a year. Then I realized it wasn't worth it. good luck baby girl! Hang in there!!

Jen

736293 tn?1316517842
by kylesMom09, Nov 09, 2009
I am so sorry to hear this...It really takes an awful person to treat you this way!! Try to keep your head up and just remember you have 3 beautiful kids and they love you unconditionally.  Jen is right though now is the time to make sure your family is provided for!  Best of luck in the days to come!  ((HUGS))

562884 tn?1279632334
by kikicoates78, Nov 10, 2009
I know girls, he is not going to screw me financially, he can't. I am keeping the house. AND he will pay insurance and child support, probly a pretty penny b/c he is the bread winner, I'm a nurse and do OK but I can't afford my lifestyle things will have to change. As far as custody goes he will not fight me, he knows with his job being so demanding he can't take care of her.

We did talk last night and I'm trying to behave. My birthday drama was somewhat self induced, I was mad and being snotty,I still feel I have the right, so of course he decided to get the hardest jab in, HE WON! LOL

Jen~ I am 99.9% sure there is no one else, but he could just be that good, I doubt it, I have too many people watching him for me. My husband really isn't THAT smart.

I don't cry in front of my kids, I learned my lesson on that long ago, Thanks girls just me venting on here has helped me SO much :)   Things will get better.

On a bright note one of my little HOT guys at work asked me if I wanted Birthday spankings! LOL before I would have been embarressed but today I just smiled and winked. HA Jeremy would DIE if he knew, he is one of those jealous men, not that I ever let it bother me, He just thinks now where I have gained SOOO much weight I don't have it anymore NEWSFLASH!!!!! Wrong answer! LOL I have lost 30 pounds :) Soon he will be freaking out!

He can BITE me!

582963 tn?1483452520
by LIL_LADY24, Nov 10, 2009
I just want to cry for you..........I know what you are going through minus the children.........I had a man do that to me and it felt like I didnt know him anymore he felt like a stranger to me......Its amazing how one day someone can LOVE you so much then the next LEAVE you.........Keep ur head up for u and the kids.........

486867 tn?1307139011
by bree08, Nov 10, 2009
Kiki I am so sorry {{HUGS}}  I wish I could be there to comfort you during this. It's just not fair! You and your family will be in my prayers. I am always here for you. Take care hun!

551604 tn?1333983135
by Jen133, Nov 10, 2009
I'm just in disbelief.  i've been reading and reading and trying to comprehend what's wrong with him, but like you said he's being a D*CK!!! I'm sorry you have to go through this.  I would look at your pics and see your happy family.  He must be sick in the head or something.  But I'm glad that you sound very strong, confident and are being the bigger person for your kids!!!  He will regret everything he is doing, I tell you that much.  He's going to come back but by the time he does, you will be cured from what he is doing to you, and proudly say "NO I'M BETTER THAN THAT!!"

Much hugs to you my dear and if you need to vent, just let me know.  I'm here to listen to you.

Love
Jenny

145992 tn?1341345074
by mami1323, Nov 10, 2009
Oh my gosh, I can't believe this.  I wish I had read this sooner.  I just don't understand how men can up and leave so easily.  A new baby adds a lot of stress to a relationship.  A lot of focus goes onto the child and away from the man.  I've noticed that a lot of relationships crumble because they just can't deal with the attention not being on them.  A mature man will understand how normal this is and an immature man will do exactly what your husband is doing.  I'm so sorry.  You must be so hurt.  Have you offered him the option of counseling prior to even considering a divorce?  So you can better understand what issues need to get rectified.  Not just from you but what your needs are from him as well.  I'm very mistrusting as well and I would think that he is playing with the idea of another woman.  Maybe someone is flirting with him at work, maybe he's talking to someone that he sees very often.  They do hide things very well, believe me, I've been there.  I just can't understand how he could go from being a family, to needing some time apart, to asking for a divorce in such a short amount of time, without there being someone waiting in the wings.  

Either way, I think you have a good and healthy outlook.  It's going to be a roller coaster ride of emotions from you on a daily basis but you seem very strong.  They do eventually realize the grass isn't greener on the other side and he will live to regret his decision.  I'm here if you need to talk....you can pm me if you'd like.

Big hugs!!!

294043 tn?1354207946
by Helen72, Nov 10, 2009
I can't believe this is happening to you.  Seems like a bad dream...
Stay strong!
I hope your little one feels better soon.
((Hugs))

562884 tn?1279632334
by kikicoates78, Nov 11, 2009
Helen~ I'm still trying to wake myself up.

Today is better, Addy is sick and I'm focused on her. Poor thing ear and eye infection :( I will say at least he has been there for her, he went to the Dr. with us, and ran to get her medicine and stayed till she went to bed. He said regardless of us, he will be there for her and won't start missing appointments and everything else. I hope he can keep his word on that at least.

736293 tn?1316517842
by kylesMom09, Nov 11, 2009
Well as bad as the sitaution is I REALLY hope that he continues to be a good dad...Every little girl needs her daddy!

419158 tn?1316571604
by blueeyedtabbycat, Nov 19, 2009
I cant beleive I just came across this! I am so sorry that you have to go through this! And to have no clue!! My DH pulled the same **** when our 1st DS was a little over a year old. He said he wasnt sure that this was the life he wanted and that he wanted to go out and meet new people (woman) and live the collage life, those were his words too. What he failed to understand was that he made his bed and one way or another he was going to lay in it. I got a job and started going to the gym and started feeling way better about myself. He all of a sudden wanted to start dating me again and see how it went. Well we fell in love again, but it took that break up for him to realize what a good thing he had. I dont know if your interested in getting back with your DH or not but I hope that things are better now and you guys can get along for the sake of your children. Hugs!!! I really do hope things have been better since its been about a week since this was posted:-)
Tabitha

566175 tn?1278430472
by cure65roses, Nov 26, 2009
Oh good grief.  I am so sorry Kiki.  Look at the bright side.  You have your darling little girl now, that baby girl you wanted so badly.  And she is absolutely the most beautiful thing!  And those gorgeous boys.  You definitely have a lot going for you.  Hugs my friend,,,  HANG IN THERE

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