Feb 17, 2015
Well, I wrote Corey a letter... I didn't intend on giving it to him at first because we got into a little argument over text message (the reason for it is after the letter) - go figure... But when I took it out of my purse to throw it away, he saw his name on the envelope and grabbed it.
After trying to argue with him and tell him it was just garbage and that I wrote it yesterday (being Thursday Feb 12), he asked if it was garbage, then why it had his name on it, etc.
He started reading it. And I just left. I didn't want him to read it, and I didn't want to sit there while he read it and give him the satisfaction of seeing just HOW much I love him, even still.
I'm going to share it with you...
"It feels weird thinking about writing you a letter, when I remember the last one I wrote to you is probably still in your glove box from your trip to Alberta… I remember how much I missed you then, it seemed like you were gone forever. I couldn’t wait to hear your voice, even for just a few seconds, and knowing you were coming home to me eventually was just pure bliss. I couldn’t wait to see you again…
Its weeks before I actually move out and I have so many things I want to say to you.
So many kisses I’ve wanted to give you the last few weeks, so many hugs, so many ‘I love you’s’…
Every time I think of you, I get a giant lump in my throat and tears in my eyes because I still can’t believe this is actually happening. Probably because I don’t want it to?
Everyone tells me I’m ‘beating a dead horse’, and to just give up. And they’re probably right… But I just can’t.
We just had the first ultrasound that showed the actual baby, not just a blob with a heartbeat.
I’m in tears, because I’m so happy everything is okay, but also because I wanted to hug and kiss you so badly and I can’t. That hurts me so unbelievably bad.
I started packing my things, and am still in shock I guess. I’m wondering if it’s ever going to wear off.
I miss hearing ‘wife-to-be’, but most of all I just miss you in general.
This person you’ve became in the last 2 months is not you. And I fully believe that, Corey. I know for a fact that you know this isn’t who you are. Which is why I’m baffled at how you act, and the things you say because this is not the person I fell in love with. But I know you’re still in there.
This person you’re trying to be, is not the person who unpacked my bag the first time, and told me to put my ring back on and to wear it for the rest of your life.
I love you, so much. I don’t know what the future holds for you, because I thought for sure it included me, my child and our child. And I don’t know what it holds for me either, all I can do is attempt to pick up the pieces of my heart, yet again, and start to move on – without you. And that kills me. Literally kills me.
I have so many questions that will be left unanswered.
I continue to sit here day after day constantly on the verge of tears because all I want to do is hold you, and tell you how much I love you, and never let you go.
I don’t know how we got here; all I know is that this is not a place I want to be. As soon as you came into my life the only thing that mattered was you. Even still, the only thing I think about – is you.
I know 100% I’m smothering you with all these emotions, but I can’t sit by, and not tell you how I feel. Me being pregnant surely doesn’t help with the intensity of them and for that, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for everything I did, and didn’t do to make this happen. And although it’s no fault of my own, and I know that – my personality is wired to apologize for things I shouldn’t apologize for.
I want you to talk to me, I want you to vent to me, to tell me what’s bothering you, I want you to look to me as your best friend again because I don’t know why that stopped.
I don’t want to learn to live my life without someone I truly view as my soulmate, without someone who can make me angry as hell, or the happiest person in the world within mere seconds, without someone I absolutely love with all my heart, without the one person I can look into their eyes, and just sigh because I can’t believe how amazing they are.
We were the couple everyone envied because of how in love we were, not the one who everyone said was ‘just not good together’.
I want to wake up with a smile on my face, knowing I have the love of my life next to me. Not wake up and instantly be on the verge of tears because the person I care the most about in this world is freezing his *** off on the couch every night. I want that feeling of 2 weekends ago, when you started your car, and instead of getting your hockey stuff ready – you jumped into bed, and pulled me close.
I want that love back, and I want it with you. "
I signed it with 'I love you' and added in a 'P.S. - please don't disregard this. Write me back. I miss you so much'...
He texted me after saying "how can you write all that stuff, and spill your heart at work, and then within hours you're telling me how much you cant wait to be rid of me, etc."
I said "you took our family picture, and put a picture of your daughter in front of it, Corey. That hurt. I'm not getting into this through text with you. I meant every word of what I said in that letter, so do what you want with it, and the information in it".
Now, when he did that (put the picture over our family picture), I brought the Tablet to him with it open to the letter he wrote Levi. Simply said "delete it, NOW" with tears streaming down my face. He closed it, and said he wasn't deleting it. I said 'I'm moving, and I don't want that written about me, so delete it!' He said if I wanted it deleted so badly, I'd have to do it. I told him HE wrote it, I want HIM to delete it. He said 'Why?! Because you think I don't feel that way?!' And I replied, "If you did, THIS wouldn't be happening." And left for work.
Saturday night was windy, and cold. And we actually ate dinner together and were 'semi' civil (my mom had Riley Friday and Saturday evening). We watched the Notebook together at opposite ends of the couch. The part where it's the day after their boat ride and she yells 'why didn't you write me?!', and then he says about how much of a pain in the *** she is, and that it wouldn't be easy, it's gunna be really hard. But he wants her, so he doesn't care. And she starts crying... I got up, bawled my eyes out and went to bed. Corey ended up leaving for a bit, and when he came home I had said, 'you can sleep in the bed if you want, I know how bad the draft is out there'.
He says 'why don't you come sleep out on the couch with me'. I assumed he was kidding. I didn't get up.
A few minutes later he climbs into bed.
We're as far apart as we possibly could be at this point, and I giggle and say 'good thing I didn't try to sleep on the couch with you, we'd never fit both of us on there with this much space in between!' He says 'I don't want to give you mixed signals' and I'm like 'I know, I was just joking'.
I'm turned the other way, then he says.... 'if you're waiting for me to make a move, it's not going to happen, but if YOU want to'...
I reply, 'as much as Id love to reach out and touch you, and feel your skin - I can't. because it's not me you want'
FFWD a few hrs later, (I'm a light sleeper) I wake up and feel his hand on my leg, touching it affectionately. I sleep on tummy with one leg up near my chest cause I can't sleep flat on it anymore. So, I move over. He comes closer. I tell him 'I've thought a lot about this. And, I can't have you in my life at all once I move out.' He says 'I'm not giving up my rights to this baby'.
(now, I've been withholding this information for a while but I only just found out a few wks after I found out I was pregnant, from everyone and been waiting for the right time to tell Corey I knew about it - so im unsure if you guys already know)
I said 'Corey, did you not tell your brother, the beginning of December... That if you were going to have another baby with anyone... It would be Amanda?' He sat there silent. I said 'did you say that?' (i'm very calm at this point, surprisingly lol), he said yes, he did.
And I said, 'okay. Then let us go. This is what you want. Let me go. You live your life with her, because you clearly didn't want / don't want this baby with me'.
He said nothing. We just laid there. I roll over and he pulls himself against me and starts rubbing my stomach. I ask him what he's doing, on the verge of tears, he says 'holding my baby'. Then grabs my hand and puts it under his...
I start crying. Obviously.
We fall asleep, holding on to eachother. We wake up, I kiss his neck like I normally would. And get out of bed.
He sleeps in the bed Sunday night as well. Not as much touching or snuggling going on, but I didn't think there would be. Monday morning I wake up, kiss him sensually on the cheekbone and then he says it... 'you're just messing with your head'.
At that point, I wanted to legitimately punch him in the throat repeatedly. But I just rolled over, and said 'I meant what I said the other night... about not being able to have you in my life after I move. This is what you want, right? You wanted a baby with Amanda. Not me. So let me go. I just don't understand how you could purposely put me in this position to go through a pregnancy, and raise a child by myself'
He said nothing. I said nothing. And we went about our day.
I folded and put away his laundry, and he texted me saying thank you. I didn't respond.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing by telling him to just stay out of my life? I mean, I'm trying to think of my daughter... Corey's going to come pick up the new baby, and not her... My new child will have a dad, but not her? How is that fair? And to basically force a child upon someone who clearly didn't want it... And now I feel like an idiot. Here I was, xmas eve, talking to his sister-in-law about how we're still trying to have a baby, and she knows he's said he'd rather have a baby with his ex. LOL.
I'm upset, I'm overly emotional, and so hurt because I seriously feel like the love of my life is losing his damn mind and there's nothing I, or anyone can do to stop it. I've come to terms with moving, I did that a while ago. And I might change my mind in a few months regarding him being in the baby's life. But I'm not going to go out of my way to make him a part of this pregnancy - especially considering I know, and he knows that I know now, he didn't want it.