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moving on...

Feb 17, 2015 - 5 comments

Well, I wrote Corey a letter... I didn't intend on giving it to him at first because we got into a little argument over text message (the reason for it is after the letter) - go figure... But when I took it out of my purse to throw it away, he saw his name on the envelope and grabbed it.
After trying to argue with him and tell him it was just garbage and that I wrote it yesterday (being Thursday Feb 12), he asked if it was garbage, then why it had his name on it, etc.
He started reading it. And I just left. I didn't want him to read it, and I didn't want to sit there while he read it and give him the satisfaction of seeing just HOW much I love him, even still.

I'm going to share it with you...

"It feels weird thinking about writing you a letter, when I remember the last one I wrote to you is probably still in your glove box from your trip to Alberta… I remember how much I missed you then, it seemed like you were gone forever. I couldn’t wait to hear your voice, even for just a few seconds, and knowing you were coming home to me eventually was just pure bliss. I couldn’t wait to see you again…
Its weeks before I actually move out and I have so many things I want to say to you.
So many kisses I’ve wanted to give you the last few weeks, so many hugs, so many ‘I love you’s’…
Every time I think of you, I get a giant lump in my throat and tears in my eyes because I still can’t believe this is actually happening. Probably because I don’t want it to?
Everyone tells me I’m ‘beating a dead horse’, and to just give up. And they’re probably right… But I just can’t.
We just had the first ultrasound that showed the actual baby, not just a blob with a heartbeat.
I’m in tears, because I’m so happy everything is okay, but also because I wanted to hug and kiss you so badly and I can’t. That hurts me so unbelievably bad.
I started packing my things, and am still in shock I guess. I’m wondering if it’s ever going to wear off.
I miss hearing ‘wife-to-be’, but most of all I just miss you in general.
This person you’ve became in the last 2 months is not you. And I fully believe that, Corey. I know for a fact that you know this isn’t who you are. Which is why I’m baffled at how you act, and the things you say because this is not the person I fell in love with. But I know you’re still in there.
This person you’re trying to be, is not the person who unpacked my bag the first time, and told me to put my ring back on and to wear it for the rest of your life.
I love you, so much. I don’t know what the future holds for you, because I thought for sure it included me, my child and our child. And I don’t know what it holds for me either, all I can do is attempt to pick up the pieces of my heart, yet again, and start to move on – without you. And that kills me. Literally kills me.
I have so many questions that will be left unanswered.
I continue to sit here day after day constantly on the verge of tears because all I want to do is hold you, and tell you how much I love you, and never let you go.
I don’t know how we got here; all I know is that this is not a place I want to be. As soon as you came into my life the only thing that mattered was you. Even still, the only thing I think about – is you.
I know 100% I’m smothering you with all these emotions, but I can’t sit by, and not tell you how I feel. Me being pregnant surely doesn’t help with the intensity of them and for that, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for everything I did, and didn’t do to make this happen. And although it’s no fault of my own, and I know that – my personality is wired to apologize for things I shouldn’t apologize for.
I want you to talk to me, I want you to vent to me, to tell me what’s bothering you, I want you to look to me as your best friend again because I don’t know why that stopped.
I don’t want to learn to live my life without someone I truly view as my soulmate, without someone who can make me angry as hell, or the happiest person in the world within mere seconds, without someone I absolutely love with all my heart, without the one person I can look into their eyes, and just sigh because I can’t believe how amazing they are.
We were the couple everyone envied because of how in love we were, not the one who everyone said was ‘just not good together’.
I want to wake up with a smile on my face, knowing I have the love of my life next to me. Not wake up and instantly be on the verge of tears because the person I care the most about in this world is freezing his *** off on the couch every night. I want that feeling of 2 weekends ago, when you started your car, and instead of getting your hockey stuff ready – you jumped into bed, and pulled me close.
I want that love back, and I want it with you. "

I signed it with 'I love you' and added in a 'P.S. - please don't disregard this. Write me back. I miss you so much'...

He texted me after saying "how can you write all that stuff, and spill your heart at work, and then within hours you're telling me how much you cant wait to be rid of me, etc."
I said "you took our family picture, and put a picture of your daughter in front of it, Corey. That hurt. I'm not getting into this through text with you. I meant every word of what I said in that letter, so do what you want with it, and the information in it".
Now, when he did that (put the picture over our family picture), I brought the Tablet to him with it open to the letter he wrote Levi. Simply said "delete it, NOW" with tears streaming down my face. He closed it, and said he wasn't deleting it. I said 'I'm moving, and I don't want that written about me, so delete it!' He said if I wanted it deleted so badly, I'd have to do it. I told him HE wrote it, I want HIM to delete it. He said 'Why?! Because you think I don't feel that way?!' And I replied, "If you did, THIS wouldn't be happening." And left for work.

Saturday night was windy, and cold. And we actually ate dinner together and were 'semi' civil (my mom had Riley Friday and Saturday evening). We watched the Notebook together at opposite ends of the couch. The part where it's the day after their boat ride and she yells 'why didn't you write me?!', and then he says about how much of a pain in the *** she is, and that it wouldn't be easy, it's gunna be really hard. But he wants her, so he doesn't care. And she starts crying... I got up, bawled my eyes out and went to bed. Corey ended up leaving for a bit, and when he came home I had said, 'you can sleep in the bed if you want, I know how bad the draft is out there'.
He says 'why don't you come sleep out on the couch with me'. I assumed he was kidding. I didn't get up.
A few minutes later he climbs into bed.
We're as far apart as we possibly could be at this point, and I giggle and say 'good thing I didn't try to sleep on the couch with you, we'd never fit both of us on there with this much space in between!' He says 'I don't want to give you mixed signals' and I'm like 'I know, I was just joking'.
I'm turned the other way, then he says.... 'if you're waiting for me to make a move, it's not going to happen, but if YOU want to'...
I reply, 'as much as Id love to reach out and touch you, and feel your skin - I can't. because it's not me you want'
FFWD a few hrs later, (I'm a light sleeper) I wake up and feel his hand on my leg, touching it affectionately. I sleep on tummy with one leg up near my chest cause I can't sleep flat on it anymore. So, I move over. He comes closer. I tell him 'I've thought a lot about this. And, I can't have you in my life at all once I move out.' He says 'I'm not giving up my rights to this baby'.
(now, I've been withholding this information for a while but I only just found out a few wks after I found out I was pregnant, from everyone and been waiting for the right time to tell Corey I knew about it - so im unsure if you guys already know)
I said 'Corey, did you not tell your brother, the beginning of December... That if you were going to have another baby with anyone... It would be Amanda?' He sat there silent. I said 'did you say that?' (i'm very calm at this point, surprisingly lol), he said yes, he did.
And I said, 'okay. Then let us go. This is what you want. Let me go. You live your life with her, because you clearly didn't want / don't want this baby with me'.
He said nothing. We just laid there. I roll over and he pulls himself against me and starts rubbing my stomach. I ask him what he's doing, on the verge of tears, he says 'holding my baby'. Then grabs my hand and puts it under his...
I start crying. Obviously.
We fall asleep, holding on to eachother. We wake up, I kiss his neck like I normally would. And get out of bed.
He sleeps in the bed Sunday night as well. Not as much touching or snuggling going on, but I didn't think there would be. Monday morning I wake up, kiss him sensually on the cheekbone and then he says it... 'you're just messing with your head'.
At that point, I wanted to legitimately punch him in the throat repeatedly. But I just rolled over, and said 'I meant what I said the other night... about not being able to have you in my life after I move. This is what you want, right? You wanted a baby with Amanda. Not me. So let me go. I just don't understand how you could purposely put me in this position to go through a pregnancy, and raise a child by myself'
He said nothing. I said nothing. And we went about our day.
I folded and put away his laundry, and he texted me saying thank you. I didn't respond.

Do you think I'm doing the right thing by telling him to just stay out of my life? I mean, I'm trying to think of my daughter... Corey's going to come pick up the new baby, and not her... My new child will have a dad, but not her? How is that fair? And to basically force a child upon someone who clearly didn't want it... And now I feel like an idiot. Here I was, xmas eve, talking to his sister-in-law about how we're still trying to have a baby, and she knows he's said he'd rather have a baby with his ex. LOL.

I'm upset, I'm overly emotional, and so hurt because I seriously feel like the love of my life is losing his damn mind and there's nothing I, or anyone can do to stop it. I've come to terms with moving, I did that a while ago. And I might change my mind in a few months regarding him being in the baby's life. But I'm not going to go out of my way to make him a part of this pregnancy - especially considering I know, and he knows that I know now, he didn't want it.

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973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Feb 17, 2015
Yes, I think you are doing the right thing by telling him to stay out of your life.  I don't really think he is actually in your life now other than being in the same place as you.  You will have to coparent and I can see his trying to keep things civil and cordial for that and then I think you begin to read more into it.  He probably should not have slept by you as that sent you a very mixed message but his comment that you are messing with your own head is pretty telling.  He's not trying to get back together with you from the sounds of it.  From your journals, he sounds like he was thinking about this for quite some time (you said two months) before he told you in December before you learned you were pregnant.  I'm so sorry about that sweetie.  I know how bad it hurts.  I know how awful rejection is and to add  a baby in the mix, it is just really a bitter pill to swallow.  

But don't get side tracked.  It appears over.  He wants to be with his ex.  Even if he appears to be waffling this past weekend, how could you ever want to be with him again after telling you he wants to be with another woman?  You deserve someone that is sure about loving you and being with you.  Not some confused guy who waffles, goes back and forth, etc.

You are grasping at straws to keep this going.  You've convinced yourself that staying there is the best thing until your place is ready when emotionally for you and your daughter, it probably isn't.  Because it just prolongs the inevitable.  

You have to look to the future.  Where there might be a man down the road that is solid.  Loves you.  Wants only you.  And will be faithful and loyal forever.  You deserve that.  In the meantime, you are a strong woman and will survive this storm.  Cory will go on to figure out his life but he doesn't have to drag you through the ringer in the process.  You have to worry about your own life.  

So, yes.  I really think it is the right thing for you to move on and get on with your life.  Let your head rule the day and not your emotions.  good luck sweetie (and this may have not been what you wanted to hear but wanted to reach out to you to try to help.  Hope that is okay).  

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Feb 17, 2015
No no. I appreciate all the input.
I am beating a dead horse. I know that... I guess I'm just trying to make him see what he's giving up... And although it DOES work, enough for him to want to sleep next to me, and hold me etc. It doesn't last.
I'm actually very excited to move, and be rid of this drama-fest. His family is amazing, but for my own sanity's sake... I think cutting him out of my life completely will be what's best for everyone. If he wants to be with her like he states, then me having him at my Dr. appt's and there obviously being some feelings left between us, is only going to cause issues between them.
I love him, and want him to be happy. But I just don't see us being able to be civil when we still have a connection. So I feel like moving on with my life, and my kids - without him, is the best step.

2006473 tn?1422033301
by Mrs_teddy_bear, Feb 17, 2015
Specialmom is right.

I believe he is toying with your emotions by climbing into bed with you. You have just over a week and a half until you can be in your new place. I wouldn't let him come to anymore appointments (you have the right to ask the doctor's office to remove him from the office). If he wants to be in this child's life then he will have to make an effort to be a good dad but he shouldn't be in your everyday life. You will have to have talks with your daughter and explain things when she notices things (that's if he actually wants to be involved in the baby's life). It won't be easy but you and your children will be much better off on your own than with a husband/dad who doesn't love his wife.

Children learn about relationships from their parents and their relationships. I hate when parents stay together for the sake of the children because children aren't dumb.

You and your kiddos need a fresh start and I honestly am a believer everything happens for a reason. I am sure even without Corey you will still find a happy ending.

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Feb 17, 2015
I was so content with my life, and where it was headed before I met him.
And I'm confident in time, I will get there again.
I know how much love I have to give, and how much I have to offer someone. And in due time, someone will see that :)
Thank you for agreeing with me ladies, I'm really not trying to punish him by saying I don't want him in our life, but I can't handle it. Not right now anyways. And if he doesn't understand that, then he can take me to court for visitation.

296076 tn?1371334474
by melimeli, Feb 18, 2015
It is not fair for you to deny your baby the chance at a dad.  You current daughter has a dad.  Whether he does his job or not is besides the point.  Your baby deserves a dad if he chooses to be consistent.  Plus legally there is not much you can do.  You will have to explain this all to your current daughter and I believe she will understand.  I have been through this as a mom with 2 daughters with a dad that is not involved and 1 with a dad that is very involved.  My daughters have understood.  We have grown closer.  It will give you time to strengthen your bond with your current daughter and give you time for just you two when he picks up the baby.  it will work out.

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