Feb 19, 2015
I've been debating wether to put this up as a journal but I'd rather type than write and I really need to try something different. I'm not usually a journaler, so I'll give it a try.
I find myself losing patience alot, getting stuck in "my head" with these really juvenille thoughts that I just wish would go away. I'm still clean and still attending N/A but now that I've made friends and involved with most of my family again, it just seems like it's alot of the same old same old ****? Worry as to why someone stopped calling me, worry that i've said something wrong, letting it get to me what other people think of me???? At 43 years old I'd really like to not give a ****, but I do? Not only do I care, I OBSESS about it (too myself)....all this is going on in my head, so I'm really mute in meetings where I used to speak quite a bit. This makes me wonder if really it isn't the people around me, maybe it's the vibe I'm giving off? How do I snap out of it? Why sometimes can I walk around with my head held high and others, I feel like an idiot? You know, the 13 year old girl with no friends, though she wants them?
I'm taking everything way to personally ( as if the world revolves around me )??? So my sponser didn't call me back after I called her one time? Does that mean she hates me..,.,.,..JESUS CHRIST.....maybe this is what I used drugs for, to turn my freakin brain off! Sometimes it's like I'm my own worst enemy? Had a fight with my husband on Thursday (of last week) and though we're civil, you can still feel the tension.....
I don't know why I expected things in life to be different once I got clean? There not.....it's the same drama, crap, **** that I remember before that I didn't like? I'm not a good "game player"....if you get what I mean?
Wow, some reflection while I write kind of does feel better.....who knew?????