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Mental Breakdown

Mar 02, 2015 - 12 comments

Well, this happened faster than I thought...
I figured it'd take a few weeks to settle into things and then lose my mind because reality struck... But nope. 2 sleeps...
I think the fact I had a gush of blood this afternoon (at noon) kind of kick started it.
I'm texting my friends, and keep thinking, 'I should be texting Corey. He should be on his way meeting me at the hospital so we can make sure the baby is okay'...
But I don't even want to text him. Even if I didn't tell him I didn't want to have anything to do with him like I did Saturday.
He had the nerve to ask me what brand mattress his was, because instead of going to get his moms old bed like last Saturday like he SAID he was going to, he didn't. And I ended up on the floor for a week.
He says he wants to buy a NEW one (new girl [but old girl], new mattress? god forbid SHE sleep in a bed WE had sex in).
I replied telling him to wait til she moves back and they can go pick one out together. He asked me again, I replied to him not to text me - ever. He told me to keep him updated on all my U/S appts.

This doesn't feel like real life. I'm having thoughts now that I never had before and they're scaring me. A high risk pregnancy on top of the added stress of losing the love of my life over nothing...
Sure it might not seem like a lot to most people, but it's a lot for me. I don't want to have to deal with him, and I don't want to have the possibility of EVER having to deal with him. Which I knew right from the get go.
Do I want to end this pregnancy? No.
Do I want to struggle financially because I brought another baby into this world, alone (even though it's not what I planned for?) No.
Do I want to deal with Corey, ever? No.
Do I want to have this baby? Yes.
Would I rather give a COUPLE, who is STABLE mentally and financially, a healthy (if I even make it to term) baby instead of not only making me, and my daughter struggle with money for the rest of my life, but me emotionally? ABSOLUTELY.
But Corey refuses to sign anything adoption wise. Says he'd rather have full custody, etc.
I don't know what to do. All I know is I'm at my witts end here.
I'm feeling the pressure of me not being able to handle all of this once the baby is here.
I'm usually all, f*ck it. I'll show you.
But not when it comes to my mental health, and the welfare of a newborn.
I don't want to use the age old - its the hormones talking - excuse... because what if it's not?
ugh.

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1535793 tn?1521005282
by desderius, Mar 02, 2015
That baby can change yo life for the best, let God take the lead, give God rather a chance to prove to u that when he has the wheel of yo life good things are bound to happen, even those that may seem very very very impossible to men. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time, every single day is progress.

5575813 tn?1452481085
by Hollus, Mar 02, 2015
Ri, I wish there was something I could do or say to help you feel more at peace about the chaos and crisis you are going through right now. I am praying for you and your little family. Spend time with your friends and family who are there for you; they won't mind if you lean on them. Hang in there!

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 02, 2015
I just like im ready to throw in the towel.
and thinking I still have another 6 months of this ups and downs... I don't know how im going to make it.

1386765 tn?1451164337
by pb95, Mar 02, 2015
I would say keep yourself distracted as possible.  Any way you could take a roommate?  That would alleviate some of the pressures in a couple ways.  Keep talking to everyone here as we all want to listen.

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 02, 2015
My apt is only 2bdrm and it's affordable while I'm working just unsure about when I'm on maternity leave.

2006473 tn?1422033301
by Mrs_teddy_bear, Mar 02, 2015
Can you apply for any aid from the government?

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 02, 2015
I make "too much money" for any type of govt assistance. I make 16$/hr. All nd when I do my taxes my baby bonus goes down and daycare will go up because I made wayyy more money last yr than the yr before .

2020005 tn?1628125976
by KTowne, Mar 03, 2015
Just take it one day at a time, you have gone through the worst losing Levi, you can do this! I read a quote once "god only gives us what we can handle? Well I guess god thinks I'm a badass then" - this applies to you, lol! Just take days hour by hour, day by day, week by week and don't think so far out and not back at all.

5575813 tn?1452481085
by Hollus, Mar 03, 2015
I love what KTowne said and agree 100%! Hang in there Ri!

3233386 tn?1447024695
by mandaszoo, Mar 03, 2015
I agree with KTowne too. Just hang in there. Take one step at a time and give yourself time to think. The answer will become apparent x

961574 tn?1520648103
by mhv, Mar 04, 2015
I know you don't believe this right now, but God has a better plan for you then that LOSER "Love of your life". I wish you could see past him. He was not what he presented to be, and God know that.  Even if you don't.  It was all smoke and mirrors, and the snake charmed you!  get out from his spell and see you are worth more and deserve more.  You cry has many tears as you need to, put your *** up off the ground, wipe off the sh*t (named Corey) from your pants, And be an awesome mom...and forget about someone that never deserved your love.

Now, as far as that as that baby is concerned.  I am adopted, and the first thing I told my birthmom when I found her was "thank you for giving me a better life then you ever could".  But, baby daddy is never going to agree to that, and you are never going to give baby daddy coustody. So, now it's survival mode.  
Ask your landlord if you can pay an extra $50-75 a month now, and pay your rent ahead while you have the money to do so....or at least pay it down.  
No extras!  Save save save!  Buy diapers now, a pack here, a pack there.   buy a few jars of baby food every week.  Buy a box of wipes every month starting now.  Go to resale shops for clothes...ask friends for hand me downs.
You can do this!!!

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 05, 2015
as much as id love to start stocking up mhv, I can't bring myself to do that because of last time.
I had to get Corey to put the baby bouncer away, and get rid of the carseat, etc. It'll be a lot dealing with another loss, but to have to deal with it alone, I couldn't manage to do it.
It haunts me the crib is already set up :(


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