Mar 02, 2015
Well, this happened faster than I thought...
I figured it'd take a few weeks to settle into things and then lose my mind because reality struck... But nope. 2 sleeps...
I think the fact I had a gush of blood this afternoon (at noon) kind of kick started it.
I'm texting my friends, and keep thinking, 'I should be texting Corey. He should be on his way meeting me at the hospital so we can make sure the baby is okay'...
But I don't even want to text him. Even if I didn't tell him I didn't want to have anything to do with him like I did Saturday.
He had the nerve to ask me what brand mattress his was, because instead of going to get his moms old bed like last Saturday like he SAID he was going to, he didn't. And I ended up on the floor for a week.
He says he wants to buy a NEW one (new girl [but old girl], new mattress? god forbid SHE sleep in a bed WE had sex in).
I replied telling him to wait til she moves back and they can go pick one out together. He asked me again, I replied to him not to text me - ever. He told me to keep him updated on all my U/S appts.
This doesn't feel like real life. I'm having thoughts now that I never had before and they're scaring me. A high risk pregnancy on top of the added stress of losing the love of my life over nothing...
Sure it might not seem like a lot to most people, but it's a lot for me. I don't want to have to deal with him, and I don't want to have the possibility of EVER having to deal with him. Which I knew right from the get go.
Do I want to end this pregnancy? No.
Do I want to struggle financially because I brought another baby into this world, alone (even though it's not what I planned for?) No.
Do I want to deal with Corey, ever? No.
Do I want to have this baby? Yes.
Would I rather give a COUPLE, who is STABLE mentally and financially, a healthy (if I even make it to term) baby instead of not only making me, and my daughter struggle with money for the rest of my life, but me emotionally? ABSOLUTELY.
But Corey refuses to sign anything adoption wise. Says he'd rather have full custody, etc.
I don't know what to do. All I know is I'm at my witts end here.
I'm feeling the pressure of me not being able to handle all of this once the baby is here.
I'm usually all, f*ck it. I'll show you.
But not when it comes to my mental health, and the welfare of a newborn.
I don't want to use the age old - its the hormones talking - excuse... because what if it's not?