Dec 07, 2009
I have not left Med Help sometimes I take breaks. It is hard for me to share my thoughts at times. So I go off on my own and come back to my family which is all of you guys. I have really had so many things happen in the past six months that I just could not even get on here to describe my summer spent in the hospital or the day they came in to do the PICC LINE and did not tell me in advance. Or the day some half whit or no whit person stereo typed me as an addict. Because so many are addicted to pain medication that must be my reason for coming in. LMAO. Half Whit I have a ton of pain meds why would I sit for hours on end to be seen just for drugs are you crazy. When I got to 16mgs of Dilaudid she actually believed I was a addict. Why because my hair wasnt combed and I looked a mess! I was sick Jack A--! I went to another Hospital and they found I had MRSA and PSEUDOMONIS and they said no matter how much pain medication I was given if the MRSA did not get treated I would have pain until it was treated that dumb dumb never even checked I filed a complaint of course. Then my friends I had a surgery and they did not give me sedation I screamed on the table the whole entire time and cried and asked why did they violate me like that and do this to me. I walked out of the OR walking crying screaming and yelling and the DR just vanished. It took me six weeks to even talk to anyone! And I knew I had to go back there because this nephrostomy is forever people unless I want them to cut me and try to repair again! I got MRSA for the first time right before that surgery! NO THANKS!! Right now I will deal with the tube. I have learned to work around it. I have also learned through this process that you have to fight for you because nobody understands as well as you do about your body and what is going on. Please always have a voice because these DR'S are NOT GOD! So the compassion that they have one minute they can lose in the next second! I filed a complaint against that Dr and the nurses with the Health Department that got results fast! I have been going to this hospital for Ten years! I a
sure I have put somebody's kid through college with all the money my insurance pays for my care! So I am not taking NO MESS out of these people. And if you do not have insurance DO NOT take no mess either. They took a OATH and they better Honor it you make them do what they are suppose to. I lost that fire by the sixth time in the hospital in ONE MONTH. I was quarantined every single time! That second to last time I went in I just lost it I would not talk to anyone I just watched tv and I would not respond. I just let them do whatever because I was giving up! I was over it I wanted it to all be over. But something inside of me said you can't give up. And it was hard not to give up! I felt like my kids dont need this my husband can move on and my mom will make sure they are all OK. I had my exit strategy covered. I was tired of having the pissed bag to people I have had it leak on me while sleep. I have taken a shower and put my clothes on and re-attached that thing and the lock wasn't lock Pee every where. I have had people look every single time they see me with this thing on. I have had it. I have had it with my family saying she is in the hospital how long this time or what now or I pray she gets better for the kids! I have come home and I am a stranger to my children. I gave up. I could have ended it by taking a zillion pills I have them all and all can help me to go. But that is not my way and I would never do suicide in my mind willing myself to die was different. But really it wasn't it is suicide no matter whether I put the pills to my lips or I will my body to shut down. And trust me it can be done. But something stopped me. I did not stop for my husband I did not stop for my kids I stopped for me. You see I had taken so many blows this last year that I never really handled any of it. The getting a hole in my back and a Urine bag I just did it and brushed it off. The PICC LINE and the IV treatment at home I just brushed it off. The thousands of infections I had all life threatening I brushed that off. And then one day I gave up I was tired! Just so you know I appear healthy I appear strong and I am always cracking jokes and laughing and having fun in life. But at some point the fight went out of me and I lost it. I was tired of being sick and being strong for everyone around me. I went down and I stayed down until I was ready to come back up. At the end of August I let it all hang out people and I pulled myself back from the edge! Because my life is and was not over I just needed to deal with my illness and realize that it is ok to be upset angry or sad. That I have a right to feel that way about being sick. And that no my family and friends do not understand because they do not have it. They can act like they know but they do not know so do not expect it. Trust me this kidney thing did not just start I have had it my whole life. I have had female problems also since the day I was born and I had skin issues that started at five. Ezcema I was a lab rat at five and NO medicine would stop the itching. I tore off nails and skin and the bleeding. Rubbing the skin off was the only way to stop the itching. SO I was always sick in some way! But some how I was always able to keep the faith. I lost two children miscarraiges because of the way my cervix and endometriosis I found that out at 22 and had major surgery no one was there to take care of me but me . I also could not carry girls! I miscarried two girls. The first time it happened I thought I would die I could not stop crying. The second time I saw it coming and boy did it. I had emergency surgery and I was lucky I just lost the baby I did not lose the chance to try again. Some lose the chance to have children at all and others can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. And not care for the kids but keep having them. I have friends who are trying to adopt but look at what they went through! Getting PID or an STD that they did not know they had ruined there chances or they were born with a defect like me. Whatever it happens. All of the years of stuff just crashed down on me. I let go. What pulled me back! ME! I pulled me back. Wanting to resolve all of this and to let go of all of the hurt and pain. Wanting to reach out and help somebody else that is going through what I went through. I got on a exercise machine the Gazelle. I have neuropathy-my feet feel like needles when I wake up and they stay swollen! But I still forced myself. I gained 25pds while in the hospital they pumped me with fluid my kidney could not pump it out the medications puffed me up. They gave me medication one time withouth benadryl and I am allergic to all the MYCINS, And those are all the antibiotics they treat me with. They forgot and I woke up my face was swollen one of my eyes was almost swollen shut my stomach arms and legs. My husband freaked out when he saw me. But people my PCP said I know you are in pain I know the medication says do not operate things but I know you drive and do things because you can because your tolerance for the meds is incredible. So you have to exercise to help your mental and physical even if you start with five minutes. Well I hate exercise always have. I will never go to a gym ever. Forget that. But my Gazelle has helped me soooooo much my YOGA is helping me sooooo much. MY awareness of my mental and my body and what it needs when it needs it has made me feel renewed. Do I still have hard days everyday is a hard day my back is on fire. I have pains in my legs and feet all the time and a nagging pain all day in both my sides that would drive a person insane. But I have carved this world out for myself I have found a way for me to not totally be healed I know that this is impossible by man. SO I except what I have and that I have to go in every four to six weeks to have this procedure new stitches everytime raw skin scars and itching like hell. But this machine and my other things that I have learned to do that I never thought I could do has helped me to deal. I know some will say I am in to much GD pain to exercise. I know I was one of those people. But nothing else I did was working and the medication makes me tired all the time. So I get b-12 shots I drink Emergen-C and water by the buckets. I take vitamins also. All of that combined helps me to just get out the bed along with my pain medication. But this small step I am making is a step that has helped me to deal. My husband is now going through the depression that I felt. He has carried the load on his back of me and the family for three years. And he never once made a whimper or complaint. We were homeless for three years a house deal gone bad contractor stole 32,000 we lived with my mom. Gave up our old house. It was a mess. We are now in our house it has been over a year. But he is exhausted mentally and physically his pressure is up he is on meds, he has white coat so it is terrible for him to go to the dr's. He has counseling once a week. He is on lexapro,athenol-(heart meds) some kind of panic attack medication and seroquil I think that is how you spell it. But that is for sleep he cant sleep. I am worried about him but I had told him for three years he needed to see a doctor! He wouldnt until now he had a panic attack at his job and I had to go get him! It was bad. But I know as I have had to walk through the fire so does he and until he is ready to fight back it will take him down. He has to want to do the work just like I had to. The Dr has told him this and it is totally up to him. I am a support for him but I will not baby him. IF you baby him he just totally falls on you and you can become exhausted from his fall out. So I have to be firm as I am fighting my own battles folks tough is an understatement! I do what I can when I can. But I focus on my health and my children who have made it through all of this and will continue to make it. So when I am not on here for a while know that all of you are with me all of your stories all of your support. And know that you may not talk to me everyday. I still pray for every last one of you every day and think of you all. I hope that everyone has a wonderful X-MAS and no one has to go to the ER! My goal is just to stay out of the ER this year as much as I can. To stay as healthy as I can, if I feel down I go talk to a dr. I am going to do what I have to, just to be here. It is not easy it never will be but I can make this work and I that is what I try to do.