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Mar 17, 2015 - 54 comments

Touchy subject, for a lot of women.
Touchy subject for me, to consider giving my baby up that I wanted with someone I was utterly in love with - to start our family. And then when we were finally blessed again, it was the end...

I've been thinking a lot about this.
I would love to have another baby.
But now, being single, and knowing how much I'm going to struggle, financially and mentally - doing it alone (essentially)...
I am finding it hard to find a 'bright side'.
I'm being selfish - I know.
But the more I think of it, the more set in stone the thoughts get that I want to give this baby to a loving family who is stable in every way.
I know I can love this baby, I DO love this baby, as much as anyone else can - but I just seriously feel like aside from having another little baby to snuggle and watch grow up, all 3 of us are going to suffer.
Daycare bills going up FT for baby and after school for Ri (when I go back to work), income going down (to the point I don't think I can afford to take a full yr of MAT leave), 2 birthday's, 2 kids Christmas gifts, sharing the baby on holidays, working FT and being the one to get up with the baby however many times a night and then go to work the next day, dealing with Corey for 18yrs...
I cannot terminate this pregnancy, not now. And not this time at all.
But I firmly believe that if this is it for me and Corey, then this is what's best.
I know you're all going to say that time will heal that wound etc.
And I've already had my mother say I wouldn't be 'able' to give the baby up once I hold him/her...
But the reality is, regardless of me holding the baby, the love is still the same, but so is the financial aspect...
I know there's stuff out there to help single mothers, etc etc. I don't want to have to rely on that just to get by though.
Maybe I'm too proud to ask for help... I don't know.
I'm thinking of researching today and making an appointment for tomorrow (I have the day off), and get some information.
The sites I've looked at already, say that if I know the father of the child, I'd need his consent (which corey has already said no to, but then again, I think he thinks I was just saying I wanted to adopt the baby out of anger, which is gone now). But if I don't need his consent... Then I guess it's my decision?
He said if I couldn't afford to raise the baby then he would take full custody instead...
Is it wrong of me to not want that? I mean, my main concern is not ONLY $$ but having a stable 2 parent home... It's not, well if I cant have the baby - you cant either.
I'm trying to look out for what's in Everyone's best interest. Yes, having the biological mother raise the baby is probably best... But I'm going to have to work my *** off just to be able to stay afloat. I did it with Riley until she was 3yrs old, and it s*cked. I worked 7days a week for 12$/hr and had to bus there and back, and walk her 20m from the bus stop to the daycare. 5 days a week. I saw her for (including bussing time) about 1.5-2hrs TOPS a day.
I finally have a good job where I have weekends off, i'm done at a decent hr... I have time to be able to spend with her.
Ugh. Now i'm just rambling.
If you guys can give me your god honest input here, it'd be appreciated.

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1742167 tn?1436471720
by heather727, Mar 17, 2015
You are NOT being selfish! You are trying to figure out what the right thing to do for you and your baby is. There is nothing wrong with that.

I would say, it wouldn't hurt to look into adoption. I believe you'd have to have Cori's consent, so that would be tricky. If I were in your shoes the LAST place I would want my child to go would be with Cori. If I wasn't able to raise my baby, I'd rather he/she go with strangers through adoption than with him.

I don't think there is an easy answer to any of this. I think all you can do, at this stage, is look into your options and hope that you can have a serious conversation with Cori about it at some point. Yes, time will heal your wounds with him, but that doesn't mean that it will ever be easy.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you!!

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
Thanks Heather!
The more I think about it, the more I'm like - yes, I can do this. And yes, this is what's best.
But, like you said - the only issue is with Corey...
He is out west right now visiting his daughter, and I have another U/S scheduled (haven't set a date yet) for April sometime (2nd or 3rd week) and then I'll probably have a talk with him after that.
I keep having dreams, and the only dreams I've been having are bad. It just looks like a preview of how hard my life and Riley's life is going to be, she's 5. She shouldn't have to grow up so fast and help me with a new baby. I know she is going to WANT to, but I shouldn't think i'm going to NEED her help. You know?


1580318 tn?1550254481
by Shannon79, Mar 17, 2015
It's s tough choice to make. But you have to do what's best for you and your family.

If you're doing the adoption route, think of the couple who's lives you would fulfill. Maybe they've been trying to conceive with no luck.

There's no judgement here. We will support you in whatever decision you make

*hugs*

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
"required by Form 34A, if she knows of his identity he must be named and pursuant to same the court can require her to adduce additional evidence in order to establish with certainty that the biological father is not a “parent”."
http://blog.separation.ca/v-j-re-can-a-private-adoption-proceed-without-consent-of-the-biological-father/

I just keep thinking of all the women on here trying to conceive for years. Or like, thinking of adopting a baby addicted to meth or something horrible. Obviously the task of bringing this baby to term is one in itself for me, but clearly this one's a fighter. And I cant help but think of some woman's face holding a newborn after she'd been told she would never have a child of her own, or had failed adoptions or IVF etc.

1742167 tn?1436471720
by heather727, Mar 17, 2015
My father was adopted. Neither my grandmother nor my grandfather could have biological children. They adopted him when he was two. My grandmother always said that he was her baby from birth, they just didn't meet for a few years. Adoption can be the most beautiful and selfless gift you can give.

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
Looks like if the father has ever lived with the mother, knows about the child, etc. Then his consent is needed...
But it says to contact the agency to see the full details because some are excluded? Like, I'm looking out for the best interest of the child,

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by krichar, Mar 17, 2015
1st off adoption is the LEAST selfish thing you can do... It's a great sacrifice you are making for your baby.

But laws here in Canada are a bit sticky, how long did you live with your ex? That determines his rights and whether he has a say... He still may need to be notified of it and can step in. Is that something you can do, ha. The baby over to him to raise if he makes a stink?

Also there are a ton of programs to help for working sibgle parents. Not only will you're child tax go up so does your UCCB and as of July we are getting even more and back paid to jan. 1.... There are daycare subsidies as well to help out plus he needs to pay support and that goes on what he makes.

I think I its in your heart and he's for it then you are doing an amazing thing and you are a person hubby and I prayed for for years, but just know it's not your only option

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
I lived with him from July 15 2014 - Feb 29 2015
No, not really - in regards to handing him custody.
I've already taken into account CTB going up for 2 kids, but it will go down for my daughter now because I made almost 10,000$ more this yr than last.
And I already have Riley in subsidy, because I made more money this yr, daycare cost goes up

2006473 tn?1422033301
by Mrs_teddy_bear, Mar 17, 2015
Have you considered asking for child support for the baby from Corey? I mean the baby is his and he can help pay for the daycare cost and things like that. I not saying you shouldn't do adoption but I just feel for you since you wanted this baby so badly (not under these circumstances I know).

You could start one of those go fund me things. Put up your story and ask for help. I am sure people would help you out.

I have never given a child up for adoption so I can't tell you how it feels or what you should do but I do know that when the time comes you will make the best decision for everyone.

982214 tn?1471454781
by krichar, Mar 17, 2015
Ok... Ya he has rights :( you lived together a year before you were pregnant... But you can call CTC and tell them you're single and they may adjust accordingly and the UCCB is going up yo 160 for kids under 6 and we are getting back paid in July for jan-July,..

Calling the agency is a good idea, to see all the steps. But there is a possibility he will object and fight for custody :(

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
Mrs, the numbers I crunched included him giving child support as well.
And Kirchar, I've claimed single the whole time, as I've never lived with a man to have to file common law etc.
My bills are as follows:
Rent 775/mo
Phone bill/Internet 150 (give or take) / mo
Gas (per week) 30 - so 120/mo (give or take)
Car pymt (bi-weekly) 200 (so about 400-600/mo)
Insurance 170
Daycare Riley 75/mo
Groceries 400/mo (not including formula, diapers, etc)
= $2,085

WORKING INCOME:
1800/mo (give or take if I make 900 every 2wks sometimes it's more)
500/mo child support Riley
500/ CTB & UCCB Riley (which CTB will be going down because I made more money last yr so this is a rough est.)
= $2,800

MAT LEAVE INCOME - (60% of my wage)
1080/mo (mat leave)
500/mo child support Riley
210/mo child support Baby
160/riley
160/baby
400/CTB riley (but this will be less)
?$$?/CTB baby
= $2,110 (not incl. baby CTB because I have 0 clue what it would be)



Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
sorry, I've never lived with a man during TAX SEASON to have to claim common law, is what that should have said lol. I've lived with men before, obviously lol

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
and that last MAT LEAVE INCOME math is wrong, end number should be $2,510. Bills are $2,085

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
And if he does fight for custody... Then i'm still stuck in the same boat essentially.
Either I see the baby, or I distance myself from him and the baby after having it, and feel like a horrible person for thinking I abandoned my kid...

982214 tn?1471454781
by krichar, Mar 17, 2015
Did you remember to claim equivalent to spouse?

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
we lived together/didn't start dating until after I did my taxes last yr. and we don't live together now, so I don't see why I would claim common law.. He called and asked how I was claiming, and I said single... if I claimed common law then it would screw sh*t over even more for me financially, and I don't live with him anymore so It doesn't make sense

296076 tn?1371334474
by melimeli, Mar 17, 2015
adoption is the most selfLESS beautiful thing you can do for a child.  Giving a child the opportunity at a two parent loving home that is the dream for all children.  There are so many wonderful stories of adoption that I know first hand.  It is not abandoning your child it is giving your child the chance at a fairy tale life!

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
meli, I mean if Corey fights it and says he'd take full custody instead of me putting the baby up for adoption.
Then I would be in somewhat of the same boat now. He could come after ME for child support, and we'd still be connected unless I distanced myself and told him I wanted no contact with him or the baby, which I couldn't do if I knew he had our child. So then I'd still be connected to him, OR being viewed as not wanting my baby if I didn't want contact. Which is what I want to avoid, I want this child. I don't want me, my daughter, or the baby to suffer though.

973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Mar 17, 2015
I think adoption is a wonderful gift to give.  From everything you've written, it does make sense that you are considering this.  Good luck with the decision.  And I hope it all works out for the best for everyone.  

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
My mind is pretty much made up, it's more or less trying to convince Corey to stop being bull headed and realize that if we're done, then this is what's best for the baby.

6077797 tn?1520004188
by veronica0808, Mar 17, 2015
There are lots of couples wanting a family and are willing to give love to a baby. I really dont like to share alot of personal things but the situation calls for it... I was in your shoes once years ago so I completely understand you, I did find a couple who wanted to adopt my baby and we kept in touch for my last 2 months of pregnancy as thats when I had decided to do it. The couple flew in from Canada to be in my delivery and I was ok for the first day.. They were so happy and I was happy they were going to care for my child.. By the second day it hit me, I was not going to see my baby, see her grow because is NOT the same by pictures, miss every milestone in her life. Thats when I took a good look and just cried like I never had. I had cried so much I could barely open my eyes.. I had decided I couldnt do it. I felt SOOOOOOO horrible for the adoptive parents that til this day I feel the same but til this moment I look at my child and realized that I made the right desicion... With this I tell you that is is a good thing to consider adoption if you dont feel capable BUT to be sure thats what you want to do so you and the couple you pick dont have to go through the same I did because is some kind of guilt you feel for ever although you are happy with your child. Is is an emotional time for the couple too ... Think about it, do research and do alot of thinking.... check possibilities...only you know what you are going through and what you can handle, no one is here to judge at all... I hope to God you can make the right desicion and some kind of way guide you through the right path... and again there are LOTS of couple wanting that miracle . I dont know the laws in Canada but do they not enforce child support?? Are there aids for single mothers??

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
Thank you for sharing that.
Obviously that is in the back of my mind.
Sure I think I can do it now, even thinking about my loss previously and how badly this baby was wanted, etc. I don't want to say I can do it, and then have that happen - because that's putting a loss on them, again - for me being selfish in a way.
The budget I've done has included him paying child support. But with my debt, and bills and stuff, I just don't see how I can ever be ahead.
It just seems like a bad idea to keep this baby - it sounds harsh. But I already have a daughter and if I keep this baby and do it alone then she is going to suffer, and if I can figure out a way for this baby to not suffer, so that everyone wins, then i'm going to do it.

6077797 tn?1520004188
by veronica0808, Mar 17, 2015
Again only YOU know what you can handle... you have time to pick a couple, meet them ... I used to watch a show of girls in the same situation but I just cant remember the name of it ughhh It is hard being a single parent and lots of woman that have chosen adoption are happy with their desicion... Also there are many options as if you want to keep in touch with the baby or not I think is called open adoption so you can see the baby... Dont feel selfish if anything you are wanting a better life for your baby..

982214 tn?1471454781
by krichar, Mar 17, 2015
No equivalent to spouse is for single parents... It lets you earn money so you benefits aren't affected by your higher income... It makes a HUGE difference in everything

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
im not sure if that is an option in Ontario?
I've never heard of it in the 3yrs ive lived here when ive filed... unless youre talking about me working while on mat leave and not having it effect THAT?

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
I've contacted an adoption place to see if there's anyone I can talk to regarding the questions I have about needing consent etc.
i'll keep you updated

982214 tn?1471454781
by krichar, Mar 17, 2015
Please do :) and you should inquire about it, it's a federal tax credit. you are probably owed back taxes and CTC

134578 tn?1614729226
by AnnieBrooke, Mar 17, 2015
What it sort of sounds like is that if you want to put the child up for adoption, your ex is going to say no, he will take the child as the primary custodial parent, and you are saying you don't think he would be a good one and really don't think that is as good for the child as if you were to find the child a two-parent family that is financially and emotionally secure, etc.   I think there is a lot of good sense in that.  But it does not sound exactly like your ex will hold still for that.  What is the deal with him, will he actually (all kidding aside) be able to do well for the child?  Or do you think he is being proud and possessive and might do a bad job?

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 17, 2015
He works 7 days a week. There would be too many other people raising the baby if he were to have full custody. Yes he would have help from his family. But still. And all his family said he stayed away from the house because he hated dealing with the crying and diaper changing etc. As well as amanda (his ex) nagging 24/7.
He wasn't very loving to Riley when we lived there and I only saw him with Madison once. So it's hard to judge. I think he's trying to fool himself if he thinks he could handle it on his own and he'd be relying on a LOT of other people  to help. He plays hockey Friday nights and Sunday early mornings. He'd need to find a sitter then. And he plays golf Monday nights when it's nice. Another sitter then. And then volleyball was 2x a week last summer. So another sitter then. OR ditch it all. Which he would not do

296076 tn?1371334474
by melimeli, Mar 17, 2015
Yes an adoption agency would be the best route to inform you of any legal specifics.  

https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/28469111/ourMessage.jsf

great family I have known since I was 5. (I'm 41 now)

134578 tn?1614729226
by AnnieBrooke, Mar 17, 2015
Well, then, it sounds like you will have a heck of a legal fight if he were to resist adoption.  It then becomes a persuasive issue, can you convince him?  A good agency should have good advice on this issue.  If you are in Canada, use a Canadian agency, and if you are in the U.S., use one in the U.S. -- the laws are bound to differ even from state to state or province to province.  But the main thing is, go to one who can help you with the thorny issue of convincing the dad that this is the best thing, IF you ultimately decide that it will be the best thing.  Not saying it is or is not, but I do think your reasoning is totally sound.  I've seen a lot of kids in my son's school who are being raised by a parent on the ragged edge, and it is very, very hard on the kid, due to the stress on the parent.

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 18, 2015
I'm not sure I'll be able to convince him.
When I brought it up the first time for the sole reason of not being financially able to do it alone he said he'd just take full custody of the baby until I could. And I'm like, no it doesn't work like that. He doesn't think of the big picture. The future. Or consequences of his actions.
Which I've come to realize over the last few days.
With him proposing then starting to entertain the thought of getting back with his ex and still try to get me pregnant.
And then ending things so abruptly without any questions asked. And now he's second guessing. Telling me he doesn't want to move her here because then he knows were done for good... Like,  what makes him think that I'd even TAKE him back? Especially since I told him once I moved and started to get MY life in order. There is no us anymore.
He just doesn't use his brain. And I don't want him to think he can do it on his own and then sit by on the sidelines watching his parents and sister in law raise OUR baby because he doesn't effing think about sh*t before he does it.

134578 tn?1614729226
by AnnieBrooke, Mar 18, 2015
Then, if you do ultimately reach the decision to put the baby up for adoption from your own point of view, and he will not let it happen, you will need really good legal help.  I don't know how often a judge would rule for adoption if a parent was saying he would take the baby -- you would need to marshall a strong, strong case that the guy is a flake who does not think about the future or the consequences of his actions.  Keep a journal of everything he says along the lines of what you have described, and of everything he has done.  Save all emails.  You would need to be able to convince a judge that he would be an unfit father and for that you need data.

973741 tn?1342342773
by specialmom, Mar 18, 2015
I would tell him what would be involved with being the sole parent.  Things like giving up golf and volleyball and his social life to care for the child may be a good dose of reality.  Is he being stubborn?  If you can convince him it is for the sake of the baby, he may decide you are right.  good luck

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 18, 2015
I'll keep you posted on it. I wanted to wait til he got back but I just got wind of some information about him being out west etc  

982214 tn?1471454781
by krichar, Mar 18, 2015
Oh... I thought you knew he was out this way?

2020005 tn?1628125976
by KTowne, Mar 18, 2015
I think your reason for adoption is a good one, and it would certainly benefit someone else's life in a way not many can do. But if it did come down to you or Corey raising the baby, obviously you are more fit. If he were to fight it, and end up getting custody it would be hard to watch that child struggle through life with a parent that doesn't put in 100% in financial, emotional and physical aspects. I agree with Annie, getting a good case against him to present it to a judge, or persuading him to agree to adoption is your best bet, if not him/her staying with you would be better than Corey getting full custody

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 18, 2015
Yea kir, I knew that. But he's just consistently lying about things and I'm just done.

134578 tn?1614729226
by AnnieBrooke, Mar 18, 2015
Keep a log, keep it factual but write it all down.  He told you this and did that, he said this, etc. with dates and the reason this was a broken agreement or whatever.  The more (non-emotional) information available to the judge, the better your chances in a legal situation.  Judges hear too many "He said, she said" arguments.  Get witnesses, see if they will help you.

Again, this is in case you do decide to press for the baby being adopted by someone not related to you or to him.  You are going to be in a pickle if he goes to the judge with a family lineup all swearing they will be there for the baby in every way.  

Good luck, this won't be easy (no matter what course you decide on) if he remains so obtuse and stubborn.

1535793 tn?1521005282
by desderius, Mar 19, 2015
For me the way he was fighting and behaving with you at your last apptmnt officially means he will battle with you on this one, but i wish you all the best.

Avatar universal
by remar, Mar 19, 2015
You have a really good head on your shoulders. I deal with a lot of young women here on MH who think raising a baby is the easiest thing in the world. You already have a child so you know how very hard it is.
The adoption agency will be a great help to you. They will let you know all of legalities of adoption and what rights the father has and does not have.
I can't believe how unselfish you're being. You're only thinking of your daughter, this unborn child and not what you want. That is just amazing. You've already written down everything. The cost of having another child, the time your job will take away from both children and having to deal with this man for 18 years. Yes, you can after him for child support but that does not mean you will get a dime.
I have 3 nephews who have 10 children and one nephew has another on the way. My oldest nephew is the only one who pays child support and that's only on his oldest child, not the other two. So, there are 7 mothers altogether that are not getting one penny from my nephews. Yes, they've tried and tried. The boys have spent some time in jail but they don't care. None of them are with the mothers so  girls really are doing everything on their own. And guess who really suffers? The children.
I'm so sorry for this very long message. I admire you so much for getting this all figured out for your daughter and unborn child.
I think adoption is a wonderful thing. Let's hope you can get the information you need to make this happen.
It looks like everyone who posted here is completely behind you not matter what you decide to do. I feel the same way too.

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 20, 2015
Thank you remar.
I know there are some people out there that probably view the possibility of this decision on the fact it seems as though I'm using the get out of jail free card. I had unprotected sex. Made a baby and now don't want to deal with the consequences. But that's not how it is at all. I was engaged. Happy. And planning a future with this man. By the time we started to really have issues it was too late. And now I'm left alone to deal. He says he'll be there for me. The last text I got was "I'm not giving up on you or our baby" and that he wanted to talk when he gets back from Alberta because he has a lot of apologizing to do.  I'm not the point where it's not 50%of me that wants to hear what he has to say. It's about 20% and the other 80% just wants him out of my life for good so that I can start moving on. But he continues to pull this card all the time just to make sure I'm still on the back burner waiting for him. And if I have this baby and keep it. It will continue to happen like this (as it clearly is with his ex) for yrs. And I don't deserve that. My 5 yr old should not be consoling me when I cry myself to sleep on a nightly basis . And having this other baby and raising it will only force her out of her childhood and into being a little grown up helping me because I will rely on her. This baby was brought into this world with the thought of it being raised by 2 people so in love. Not a broken home with the parents at each others throats because someone broke someone's heart and they're not over it. So that's my goal. To be able to give this child the family it deserves. I've been mom and dad to 1 for 5 yrs and it's hard. I can't imagine doing this on my own from the very start again. :(

Avatar universal
by weaver71, Mar 20, 2015
i rarely respond to these kind of topics, but this one struck me. I am going to try and remain as objective as possible, so I am merely sharing my observations. This journal started of as an opinion inquiry about adoption, and turned into a legal discussion of how to get it done. The focus totally shifted to the dad, away from you and the child. I am going to return to the adoption topic, once that is a firm decision, then it is time to worry about the legal aspects. I am pro adoption. I actually wanted to adopt a second child, as there are so many kids who need homes, turned out to be too expensive and they won't adopt out to anyone without lots of cash coming in. We had another one instead. I am also pro-choice, do not confuse that with pro-abortion. Just a little background, now here's my opinion and experience.

I have taken many women to abortion clinics and helped women adopt out their children, none of them mine, I am just that friend, no judgment. What I noticed, over the years, is that the majority of the women who adopt out or abort a child have serious emotional issues around that event, definitely not all, but many. The ones from my younger years who seem to be happy and healthy today, are the ones who eventually had another kid later on. The others went to therapy and came to terms with it. The women who did no therapy and/or never had another kid, most of them live alone or are in bad relationships with addicts, abusive men, basically their lives are not so great. Maybe that is just the women I know, maybe it is a pattern, that I do not know.

In turn, the women who had the kids and had to struggle to make it, most all of them are just fine today, and their kids are grown and functioning adults. For example, you spoke of the 3 years of struggle with your child, was it worth it? Despite the obstacles, you are in a better situation now than you were upon the child's birth. You should be proud of yourself for that. Had you gotten in a better situation, but didn't have your current child, would that progress mean as much to you? My mother raised me by herself, it was definitely a struggle, but she will tell you that she is glad she has me.

So, you say this is what is best for the child, one would have to be a psychic to know that. I have seen rich kids commit suicide and poor kids grow up to be leaders. It is your values and ethics, determination and ability to fight on despite the obstacles that a child would get the most from. A silver spoon in the mouth at birth is not necessarily better. Therefore I agree with you, this is more about you not wanting to struggle, which is fine, but be careful deciding what the Universe has in store for an unborn child. I guess my point in all this is, do it for yourself, not the kid. The kid will love you and respect you, no matter your social status or how much free time you have. They will only respect you more for the sacrifices you have to make. A rich kid often has a sense of entitlement, and superiority, much like you are thinking of a wealthier family as superior to yours for raising this child. You only think a wealthy family is superior to yours if you are doing it for the kid. If you are doing for you, then the money has nothing to do with it, it's about you not wanting to struggle. Both choices are fine, imo, neither is better than the other, it's just a matter of you wanting or not wanting to sacrifice your own time and life for this child. A loving parent has a good family life, no matter what the situation.

I hope this doesn't sound offensive, as that is not my intention. I truly think adoption is a wonderful service to the world, no real issue with adoption on my part. I just was trying to make sure you are making your decision with a true sense of the situation, not the fantasy that money and 2 parents makes a child's life better. That is a value judgment, it almost makes it sound like all parents with a certain income and single should adopt out their children, if in fact, a more financial stable 2 parent home is the most important thing for a child's peace and happiness. I also do not judge you for wanting to adopt it out. Raising my 2 kids with little money and 2 of us is a challenge, I know it is even harder as a single parent. I do not think of that decision as selfish, though I do think it is self-centered. All your reasons for adoption you listed pointed out how your life would be easier, accept not having as much time as you want to spend with the child, even that is about you, children adapt.

I guess I am trying to say that either option is equally good and bad in different ways. But the reality is, you are motivated right now by fear, not the child's ideal upbringing. You fear you can't give it what it needs, but you can, you proved it with your first kid. But, do you want to? I hope the first was has been worth the sacrifices, I'm sure you would feel the same about the second. Again, just observing and am open to being wrong, but before you get too involved in the legal battle, maybe it would be best to truly meditate on what you do and do not WANT to do. Also, the best thing for a kid is to be loved, doesn't matter who it is, rich or poor, you or someone else, so long as the kids is loved, you made the right decision. You can't guarantee and adopting family will be loving or not abusive, so there really is no right answer, just what you do or do not want to do.


Avatar universal
by weaver71, Mar 20, 2015
Oh yeah, I also wanted to mention that I am an only child of a single parent. You know what I asked for every year for Christmas, a brother or sister, would have given away all my possessions as kid for a sibling. It was lonely and I missed out on a lot of relationship development because of that. You keep saying you know what will happen and can't see how you will do this or that, again, that is fear, not reality, because you don't know the future, none of us do. Making decisions based on an unknown future seems like you trying to persuade yourself rather than going with what you know for sure. I was about 26 when I first learned that close friends and family can be very mean and turn around and act like nothing happened in the morning. The more we love and trust someone, the more we feel okay being mean and venting, that is unconditional love. I didn't learn that as an only child, no sibling to practice with, just an example of being an only child of a single mom. There are advantages of and disadvantages to every choice, it depends on which sacrifices and which freedoms we make, but no choice is perfect, ever. There is no such thing as a free lunch.

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by krichar, Mar 20, 2015
I feel on compelled to say something, that was so beautifully put weaver... And with your final comment, every year from the age of 5 that is all my boy asked for was a sibling, for his birtbday, for christmas... Anytime he was asked "what would you like" that's what he responded with... Didn't matter, a sister or a brother. It was in every letter to Santa and it broke out hearts. We suffered infertilty and the one thing he wanted most we couldn't give him... It took till he was 11 years old, a small fortune and years of treatments, drugs and being poked and prodded to finally have a second child.

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by Mrs_teddy_bear, Mar 20, 2015
I won't lie I believe you should keep your child. I know you are still mad at Corey and you don't want to be alone raising another child but based on everything you have said Corey isn't going to give up his parental rights.

That child deserves a loving family. You and your daughter can be that family. Also, are you planning on having your daughter in daycare when the baby comes? If not, that is an extra 75 dollars a month. I assumed if you are on leave you aren't driving as much so you can save at least half the gas another 60 dollars. Also, can you sell the car and get something with a lower payment or refinance the current vehicle to help lower your payments? If so that could help a lot. Oh and shop around for insurance if you haven't already. You may be able to find a lower monthly premium.

I feel like I am going against all the other advice but I just read your posts and it seems like you want this baby. The struggles are real and it won't be easy but all the best things in life aren't easy.

Please understand I am all for adoption if it is right for you. I have four adopted brothers who I don't even consider to be adopted, they are just my brothers. So I know what a blessing adoption can be for people. I just don't want you to let that baby go and regret it for the rest of your life.

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 20, 2015
weaver does make a good point about just because there's 2 parents and a higher income doesn't mean that home would be better than with me and riley.
I don't know.
I feel like i'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.
I wouldn't be able to do an open adoption because that would hurt too much.
I wouldn't be able to handle my child is out there possibly being abused in any way and have a closed adoption.
But then I keep the baby and struggle emotionally, financially, etc.
Ugh.
:(
How the f*ck did I get here.
I wish I could send you the screen shots Corey sends me, and then you'd know what I'm dealing with... His mindf*ck level got upped yesterday to Expert 100000000000. *shakes head*

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 20, 2015
he wants to have dinner, and talk and apologize because 'I deserve it'.
says he's not giving up on me and the baby, etc....
like, WHAT?!

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by AnnieBrooke, Mar 20, 2015
You guys can talk without having dinner, if you think he is trying to manipulate you.  Just talk on the phone.

Avatar universal
by remar, Mar 21, 2015
Oh, you are a very smart young woman. Yes, it does sound like he wants to keep you on the back burner and this is in no way fair to you. Actions speak louder than words. His actions are speaking very loudly.
No Sweety. Never would I think anything bad about you. I truly am amazed that you've thought all of this out so carefully. You want to do what's best for your daughter and unborn child. You're not living in a dream world thinking, oh well, everything's just going to work out some how some way, with no plans for the future.
You're listening to your heart and your head at the same time. You know this man very well and what you can and can not expect from him. I've read everything you've written and I truly believe if you stay with him he will just keep letting you down. That's just my opinion. Of course the decision is completely up to you.
There are many wonderful families that would love to have a baby and would give it the best home possible. I'm sure you know about open adoption. This may or may not be something you want to think about.
Please know that you have all of us here supporting you. I'm so proud of you for thinking everything through so thoroughly. You did have plans to marry this man and spend the rest of your life with him. I'm so sorry it didn't work out. Seeing what you've written I know you're a very strong young woman who is going to be fine and make the best decision for your daughter, your unborn child and yourself.
Big hugs to you Sweety.  

Avatar universal
by ribaby15, Mar 21, 2015
Thank you very much remar.

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by Hollus, Mar 21, 2015
Maybe there's a reason why this child is with you. Whatever you decide, keep an open and willing mind and know that we will support you no matter what! **HUGS**

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by AnnieBrooke, Mar 23, 2015
I don't want to keep the conversation going unnecessarily if it has come to a natural end, and with such good posts too, but I do want to suggest that if you already absolutely know for sure that your ex would never let you put the baby up for adoption, you may as well stop thinking about adoption.  This is true even if he is just doing it as a power trip to have you in his control and feel dominant and has no real interest in being an active, loving father.   Right now you are thinking of getting the baby a better life, (admirably in my eyes.  I for one do not think someone who has gone through the gamut to become an adoptive parent -- the high cost, the home visit, the psychological screening, the uncertainty and sadness -- is going to be abusive to a child, that is just so foolish for someone to say.)  But if you have no doubt at all that your ex would not sign off even if you do decide it is the best thing (and I leave it to you to not think this after reconsidering!) you are certainly the far better person to raise the baby than he is.  In other words, if you know already that he will not surrender his parental rights, it would be time to focus on how to make it possible for you to be the custodial parent without your life being too stressful to do a good job.  

I do want to add that I don't think you were considering adoption for trivial or self-centered reasons at all, high parental stress can be very hard on kids.  My son is in second grade and I see so many lost kids when I volunteer at his school, with a single parent who is overwhelmed, and the kids not doing well at all, their take-home work ignored and their reading poor and sometimes even unhealthy-looking or coming to school grimy and uncombed, and usually they are sad.  Those parents are not villians, but you're not wrong to worry about the effects of stress and overload on you, not for your own sake but because it can travel downward to the kids because it takes so much energy just to keep one's head above water.  So, the task is, how can you figure out how not to be that parent?  

Do you have any family support?  Does he (that doesn't suck)?  Is there a place you can move where you might either get a better job or a cheaper place to live?  (Even a neighboring state that has a better employment picture?)  Have you looked into all the options for government support?  Do you have any friends who are also in your position, with whom you could double up in a house, possibly someone who works a different shift than you so you could watch each other's kids when the other is at work?  

I would first of all decide where I finally stand on adoption, and if you want to do it, then try to reason with Mr. Dominate and Shirk, and then if reasoning with him goes nowhere, get moving on some serious planning.  There are some states where the job picture is pretty good and the housing picture is not impossible, and other states that are very expensive.  I'd begin by reconsidering everything including where you live, and go from there.

I'm sorry you're in such a fix.

Avatar universal
by weaver71, Mar 23, 2015
AnnieBrooks, if my comment of potential abuse in an adoptive home is foolish, your comment is naive. No disrespect intended and I hate using a label to refute a label, but if you used a label on my opinion, I am sure you can handle one used on yours. I've seen people who had adoptive parents and where abused, people who raised their own kids and abused them, people in foster care, people in seemingly perfect homes. Nobody gets or has a kid with the idea, "Lets adopt or have a baby and abuse the kid." Abuse is something not planned, often not seen, and absolutely unpredictable as far as race, class, culture, gay, straight, one or two parents, this is not a class or situation issue, it is individual responses to the stress of raising a child, which cannot be determined until a person raises the kid awhile. It's stressful no matter what, how we respond to the stress is what we can choose. Maybe I am a fool, but I have known abused kids from every walk of life. Also, those kids of single moms who are dirty and unkept, that is not due to poverty and hard times. In India, Guatemala, Thailand, I saw kids with less money than the homeless vets in the U.S., yet they were clean and well kept, poor people can be good parents too. My mom's struggle made me a fighter, it has helped me to overcome obstacles in my adult life, it didn't ruin me. Those are neglectful parents you mentioned, not just poor and single. My single mom was really poor, we rationed food regularly, I never had new clothes, but I never went to school dirty. I love the ideal world you live in, I sure I wish I lived in it. Many are able to pull the wool over the world's eyes to pass all the tests of society to get what they want, but in the end, many abusive and violent people are fine outside the home. There is no interview process, income status, or hoop jumping that can guarantee how a new parent will respond to child raising stress. It's more likely a kid will not be abused in adoption than in foster care, but I don't think it is foolish to say we don't know what will happen if someone else raises a kid, but we do have control over how we react to the stress of raising a kid, be we poor, single, gay, lesbian, black, white, democrat or republican. The only thing we have control over is how we act, the rest is fate and believing someone else will respond to the stress than ones self. I have never hit my kids, but raising them, I do understand how someone with less control over themselves might, no matter what their lifestyle can afford.

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