Mar 17, 2015
Touchy subject, for a lot of women.
Touchy subject for me, to consider giving my baby up that I wanted with someone I was utterly in love with - to start our family. And then when we were finally blessed again, it was the end...
I've been thinking a lot about this.
I would love to have another baby.
But now, being single, and knowing how much I'm going to struggle, financially and mentally - doing it alone (essentially)...
I am finding it hard to find a 'bright side'.
I'm being selfish - I know.
But the more I think of it, the more set in stone the thoughts get that I want to give this baby to a loving family who is stable in every way.
I know I can love this baby, I DO love this baby, as much as anyone else can - but I just seriously feel like aside from having another little baby to snuggle and watch grow up, all 3 of us are going to suffer.
Daycare bills going up FT for baby and after school for Ri (when I go back to work), income going down (to the point I don't think I can afford to take a full yr of MAT leave), 2 birthday's, 2 kids Christmas gifts, sharing the baby on holidays, working FT and being the one to get up with the baby however many times a night and then go to work the next day, dealing with Corey for 18yrs...
I cannot terminate this pregnancy, not now. And not this time at all.
But I firmly believe that if this is it for me and Corey, then this is what's best.
I know you're all going to say that time will heal that wound etc.
And I've already had my mother say I wouldn't be 'able' to give the baby up once I hold him/her...
But the reality is, regardless of me holding the baby, the love is still the same, but so is the financial aspect...
I know there's stuff out there to help single mothers, etc etc. I don't want to have to rely on that just to get by though.
Maybe I'm too proud to ask for help... I don't know.
I'm thinking of researching today and making an appointment for tomorrow (I have the day off), and get some information.
The sites I've looked at already, say that if I know the father of the child, I'd need his consent (which corey has already said no to, but then again, I think he thinks I was just saying I wanted to adopt the baby out of anger, which is gone now). But if I don't need his consent... Then I guess it's my decision?
He said if I couldn't afford to raise the baby then he would take full custody instead...
Is it wrong of me to not want that? I mean, my main concern is not ONLY $$ but having a stable 2 parent home... It's not, well if I cant have the baby - you cant either.
I'm trying to look out for what's in Everyone's best interest. Yes, having the biological mother raise the baby is probably best... But I'm going to have to work my *** off just to be able to stay afloat. I did it with Riley until she was 3yrs old, and it s*cked. I worked 7days a week for 12$/hr and had to bus there and back, and walk her 20m from the bus stop to the daycare. 5 days a week. I saw her for (including bussing time) about 1.5-2hrs TOPS a day.
I finally have a good job where I have weekends off, i'm done at a decent hr... I have time to be able to spend with her.
Ugh. Now i'm just rambling.
If you guys can give me your god honest input here, it'd be appreciated.