Mar 23, 2015
Came into work and opened up my email to see this gem waiting in my inbox...
I know how mad you are at me and some days want to talk and some days want nothing more than to just punch me in the throat. I know how much you spilled your heart out to me in that letter you had typed out for me and unfortunately I don't have it here with me but I do have the letter from the last trip and can't get over the fact of how stupid I am and how much I have hurt you and I can't change what I have put you through and for that I am truly sorry. I also know me just saying that isn't going to make thing better. But if you can forgive me and if we could make the attempt to have this child as a family I would truly hands down give you all of my support till the end of my days. I don't want everything to pick up where we left off but to restart and rebuild this amazing thing I am so stupid to have damaged. When I get my *** home I am going to sit down and spill my heart for you and then we can go from there. I am sorry and I will tell you every day. Have a wonderful day and I miss you."
My reply was this;
"I can forgive you.
I already have.
If a relationship doesn’t have trust, then it has nothing.
I never had any doubts at all, we were together – and that was it. Of course I got a bit jealous when we’d be sitting together and there would be constant texts back and forth. And I tried my best to just get over it.
But now, all I have are doubts.
Is this going to happen again?
Why did you change your mind? Was it because she turned you down and you’re afraid of being alone?
Do you actually want to be with ME, or do you just want to be with me because she doesn’t want to be with you?
How can a person that ‘loved’ someone SO deeply, with SO much passion, turn on a dime and without any questions asked… without any chance of persuasion – just say ‘nope. I’m done. I want someone else’.
That was my absolute worst fear. I never thought in a million years that would happen, to us of all people.
The way you use to look at me was reassurance in itself, like you saying ‘I’m not going anywhere because what I want is right here’.
I’m not innocent by any means… But let’s face reality here… it’s impossible to get what we had back.
You can push Amanda out of your life and then change your mind and have her just drop everything (in the past) and attempt to make things work.
But me and her are nothing alike, in any way. And it only takes someone pushing me to the side, especially after months of me continuously breaking my heart by trying to get you to change your mind, for me to learn my lesson.
You just admitted a week ago that you were upset that she was still seeing Luke… You’re pissed that she’s not dropping everything to be with you again… And then all of a sudden you want to work on things? That, to me, doesn’t seem genuine – in my eyes, or anyone else’s for that matter.
If you couldn’t stop the inappropriate talk with her when we were GOOD, who’s to say it’s stopped now, or EVER?
You know how much it hurt to hear that WEEKS before you even told me we were done, that you told your brother you’d rather have a baby with her? That WEEKS before, you were apparently sending pictures of your **** to her? That WEEKS before, you were sitting NEXT to me, texting her, saying **** like ‘I better go. Jess is giving me a look’.
I would love to sit here, and blame it all on her – but the bottom line is, it wasn’t all her fault. Sure, she plays one hell of a game at being a manipulative ***** by saying the things she said.
But you’re just as bad if you were the one leading her on in the first place. I don’t blame her for not dropping the guy she’s seeing because you didn’t know your *** from a hole in the ground. Because I’m in the same ******’ boat.
I’d love to be with you. But I’d be an idiot to a LOT of people if I did.
You know how much **** I’ve gotten in, from legitimately everyone I talk to, because I even text you/reply to you?
I HATE that feeling, because I’m constantly defending you. Even when I was at the angriest, people were like ‘get over it. Find a guy with a real job that doesn’t just get everything handed down to them from mommy and daddy’… And there’s me, telling them to go **** themselves because I KNOW how hard you work, and nothing’s been just ‘handed’ to you from anyone. Having people tell me to ‘ditch the loser – he doesn’t give a **** about you’… and there’s me, saying well, at one point he DID. And I’ll be damned if I can just forget that.
My mind was clear when I talked to you Wednesday. We were split up, I was done trying with you and was content that it was done. I didn’t want this baby with you. End of story.
And now, I’m to the point where again… I have no idea what’s going on in your head because you’ve made it clear for 2 months that someone else was coming to take my spot… *sorry, her ORIGINAL spot… I think were the words you used.
I’m sure I’m going to be kicking myself in the *** for even ******* replying to this, and not just ignoring it like you did to me the last 3 months. But I guess that’s where you and me differ."
He messaged me good morning, and that he read my e-mail.
I said "morning"
He sent some text about how he was still outside Manitoba because he had to stop due to weather, I didn't reply.
He then sent that he wouldn't text me until they stopped again, or possibly when he got home. I said 'sounds good'.
And that has been it for our contact as of today...
I'm all for second chances... But this one needs to be 100% on the worth it scale...