Jan 04, 2010
I read another's journal that posed the question about pondering suicide, the intimate details of suicide and whether that was akin to being suicidal. I will admit to one suicide attempt, arguably 2.
I actively daydream about my own death generally, and by my own hand specifically. I sometimes think of suicide as the emergency exit road that you see of the side of highways that the large trucks can take if they are losing control.
I have visioned my self lying on my bed (with the Battenburg linens & lace gown). On the nightstand is a 3/4 empty bottle of Drambuie, a crystal ice bucket, an full ashtray and an assortment of pill bottles. There is a note that states simply "I'm sorry that I didn't do this for you sooner"
The problem of course with the first scenario is that children might find me and I would want that so
(which is ironic because before when I was not medicated I would jump on planes an go somewhere on a whim)
Anyway, I dream of throwing together a carryon suitcase etc, passport and flying off to the Caribean. Any where in the Caribean where the sand is white and warm and the beach stretch out with no people. I've got good tunes playing in my ears and I take the pills and get on a belly float and start floating out as far as I can go. I float at the time of day when the sun starts to set so no one notices as I continue out into the oceon. The pills are starting to make me sleepy and and I drift...off the belly float into the warm water.
But instead of us hurting ourselves in these grandiouse ways,we chose instead to take smaller tiny punches or pins at our self. Is that a slower form of death?