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17wks update

Apr 08, 2015 - 4 comments

Well, It's crazy to think that in 3 weeks, this pregnancy is half over.
I remember thinking 'I still have 24wks left, lots of time to get stuff' with Levi, and then I was like 'I ONLY HAVE 24WKS LEFT TO GET STUFF!!!' lol.
Aside from a crib and sheets/blankets... I haven't gotten anything.
I've been eyeing this ADORABLE hot pink zebra print diaper bag whenever I go to Walmart... But I put it back on the shelf as fast as I pick it up.
I know it's normal, this feeling of not wanting to 'nest' because the less stuff you HAVE if something bad happens, the less you have to get rid of.
With Levi, I was thankful enough to have Corey and when I said 'please move the bouncey chair. I don't want to see it, I cant' - he just did it. I don't know when, but the next time I walked by where it was, it was gone... And obviously I don't want to have to do that again, not only that, but I live with just Riley now... So if something DOES happen, it's me that has to come home and see everything.
I've been thinking a lot about the sex of the baby. And truth is, I have absolutely NO idea what it is... lol, Everyone says 'oh I think it's a girl, or oh I think it's a boy'... And at first I thought it was a girl, but I thought for SURE Levi was a girl too, up until I delivered him.
The more I think about it, the less I feel I'll have this 'gender disappointment' that I've read about.
Of course I'm going to be a little sad if I don't get a second chance at a boy, but who knows - she might be a tom-boy, which is just as good.
I'm not back up to my weight that I was when I found out I was pregnant, but I'm up from 127 -> 134 now within the last 2 weeks... I'm unsure if that has anything to do with me and Corey working on things or not. Cause you know how they say love makes you fat? lol.
It's weird... And I hate to admit it, but... I'm not as happy with him NOW as I was with him BEFORE... I mean, I know it's going to take time... but this is normal, right?
I love him. Clearly that's very visible to anyone around us. I'm content, I guess is what I'm getting at? I have my own place, and am settled, and did a budget and OMG, I hate to admit this. But last month, I spent $1,300 on sh*t I didn't need, food, clothes, etc. So I definitely can afford a baby on my own. So for that sake, adoption is out of the question because that was 50% of the reasoning, and the other 50% was dealing with Corey... which I believe if things didn't work out, that it wouldn't be that big of a deal... I hate to say it...
I'm not sure if I'm having second thoughts? Or what the eff it is. I just, I love him. But sometimes when I look at him, and he's smiling at me, I catch myself thinking in my head, 'how could you sit there and watch me beg for you, for us... and just not care?'

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1742167 tn?1436471720
by heather727, Apr 08, 2015
Buy the diaper bag. Put it in the closet. Take it one step at a time. You KNOW the chances of the unthingable happening at this point are next to 0. And you have to have at least the basics when the baby comes home. Let yourself relax a little and look forward to brining the baby home.

As far as how you're feeling about Cori, it's totally normal. You're reserved and trying to protect yourself from getting hurt again. It's very similar to how you're feeling about the baby. You know what kind of pain that is and you don't want to feel it again. All I can say with Cori is to continue to take it slowly. He has to rebuild what was broken and that's going to take time. I don't think things will ever be exactly the way they were - too much has happened to go back. But that doesn't mean the your future together (if that's what you choose) has to be bad, it can be just as good, only different.

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by ribaby15, Apr 08, 2015
This is true. For both paragraphs.
I feel almost TOO relaxed though... It's weird. Like, just about little things. Like, Corey's always like 'I can come over this day, or this day' etc. For example... We JUST spent the entire wknd there. I saw him for dinner at his Mims Wednesday night last week. He slept over Thursday night, and we went there Friday afternoon and went to dinner at his moms Friday night, and spent Saturday night there and Sunday we had brunch at his Aunts, and then me and Riley went to my aunts for dinner, riley went home with my mom because the daycare was closed Monday and I had to work. And I went back to his place after and spent Sunday night there. He wanted to come over after golf Monday and I NORMALLY would be like OKAY! :D but I was like, ugh. it's already 8:30... I'm in bed. Just text me when you get home. And then he came over last night and slept over, and while he was still here, he was talking about coming over tonight after hockey, and then me and Riley spending either Friday or Saturday there... And I don't want to come off as a b*tch, because he IS very emotional, he just shows it at weird times. I want to be like, why don't we just slow down... but he is going to take it entirely out of context, and I've been there before. it s*cked.
Ex. me and my last ex broke up because he f*cked my 'best' friend (no were not friends anymore lol), we split. eventually over a few months we were back to working on things, and he was SO sorry for what he'd done, that he wanted to be by my side, hanging out ALL the time, and I was like I need spaaaacceee. And it eventually fell apart. We loved eachother, but he didn't understand I needed time to get back into the 'norm' again, and he just wanted to be all over me, all the time.
Which is kind of what's happening right now? :S
At his place on the weekend, it just felt so normal again. I felt like I was 'home'... I dunno. my brain hurts lol

1742167 tn?1436471720
by heather727, Apr 08, 2015
I think this is good stuff to talk to the counsellor about. They aren't going to give you clear cut answers, but you might get there yourself talking it out. Or you might just feel better from getting the words out of your mouth.

You should also be able to tell all of this to Cori. You should be able to explain to him how your heart is still hurt and needs time to heal. It's not that you want to push him away, you just need to take it easy. Like if you broke your leg, you're not going to be running a marathon the next week. I wouldn't 'blame' him for the 'broken leg' - that would just put him on the defensive -  but maybe explaining it to him like that would help him understand what your process is going to be. Since you've already been through something similar and the feeling of being suffocated by your ex didn't help you guys to stay together, you can try explaining it to him that way too. Say, 'I want us to work out, and knowing that when I went through this before, not having enough space didn't help, I don't want to make the same mistake again. I want to fix us, but I want to do it the RIGHT way.' That should reasure him that you both want the same thing and hopefully that will cut down on his feelings of insecurity.

1742167 tn?1436471720
by heather727, Apr 08, 2015

ooops, sorry!

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