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my story.....

Jan 12, 2010 - 9 comments

well here goes an attempt at telling my story of addiction ....if I look back it realy started at age 14 when I smoked my first joint...went thew adolescence like a typical teenager of my era using and abusing booze and pot mostly,
got into harder stuff when I hit my Junior yr in high school  LSD was all the rage and I took to it well, abused it into
my 20s then finely went back to just beer,whiskey and pot till I was 26...my life looked good on the outside had a great job my first home and 2 kids at the time...but inside I was a total mess..would use the booze and the pot to sorta cope with my high performance job stresses ...it was at the age of 26 that I had my first born again experience with God and Jesus Christ became real to me...thats a story in itself but in short it was life changing God had chosen to deliver me from my addictions and for the next few yrs I walked drug and alcohol free till I hit 30 then I was stricken with a back injury ...wound up with a couple of herniated disks in my back and the pain was excruciating so the dr put me on pain pills....it started out so innocently just a pill ever 4 hr to help cope with the pain well after several yrs I finely broke down and had back surgery...was suppose to alleviate the problem but only made it worst..now the pills where no longer working as prescribed and I started doubling up on them...this worked for a wile but also quit working only to find myself taking more and more till near the end I was eating them by the handful trying to chase away the pain...this went on for 10yrs..they put me on every sort of pill out there and none worked the way they where suppose to and I wound up abusing everything they tried ...I liked the buzz I was getting ...I would have to save my daily dose till after work..couldn't perform my job on the pills so I would take my whole dose after work and would wind up all gased up on the pills...at this point in life I was chasing both physical and emotional pain away with the pills ...I had 2 different dr writing scripts so I would never run out of pills...I had dr shopped and found dr to write the scripts I wanted and my pill use was completely out of control and yet I was still living in chronic pain...after much dr shopping I found a pain management dr that was actually interested in getting rid of my chronic back pain he approached it differently then the others he hit it from all angles ...I had told him that although the pills where helping they really dident have the staying power to last all day...I never told him I was abusing them...he said mabe we should try something a bit different...he noted that I had all ready tried every pill out there and nothing was working so he suggested we try methadone..it was strong long lasting and should do the trick he said...so we started out on methadone....I will never forget that day ...the first day I took it I was pain free...I thought to myself this stuff is amazing it actually worked and it didn't have the side effects of the pills I could take it at work and be pain free all day long...it also took away the craving for the pills...although I missed my nightly buzz it was a fair trade being pain free all day long....well as I said this dr  approached things differently so along with the methadone I would be required to take spinal shots... epidurals as part of my therapy... these dident seam to help much but I went along with it until I started to develop scare tissue from the shots..so then I told him lets just stick with the meds and skip the shots...I soon found out  that if you dident do the whole plan you would get nothing form the dr...so now I was addicted to the methadone and my dr was no longer going to prescribe it if I dident get the shots in my back...we reached an impasse and I had a falling out with my dr...desperate to get the methadone I turned to the local methadone clinic...with my history of pills and already being on the methadone they where happy to help me out ....just so I had there money every week....well as time went on methadone like all the other narcotics I tried would stop working so well so I would have to up my dose periodically went from a low dose all the way up to 150mg witch was all they would allow you to take..I was 5 yrs into my methadone addiction..now it was no longer working for pain control and I had a huge addiction to break free from...so I finely said enough is enough and decided I wanted to get off the methadone I would soon find out this was much eazer said then done...the clinic said I could do a medically supervised withdrawal and drop down 2mg ever 2 weeks....I freaked out..im like ill be on this stuff for another 2 yrs and at this point I was almost 6 yrs into it..so I started out at the clinics drop...going slow but keeping my 2 week take home privileges after some time a nurse friend of mine told me of how she would use methadone to ween babys off heroin and such and they used a taper of 10% every 72 hrs...I thought to myself if its safe for a baby its safe for me..so I took things into my own hand and started to taper off from my take homes..I used jennys formula and it worked well for the most part but I still had a long agonizing road ahead there where "road blocks" as you taper off you get to certain doses and it dosent seam like you can move down without major withdrawals..it hapend at 60 40 and I rember 20ml to be shear hell to break free from  so it took a lot longer then I thought it would...I wound up tapering off for 8 1/2 mo to taper down to 1ml...by the time I was at 15ml I had saved enough from my take homes to not have to go to the clinic any more..I just had to be disciplined and stay on my taper to finish weening off it was the last 6ml that where the hardest it was sorta like living in a constant state of withdrawals ever time I went down 1ml I would go thew 4 days of withdrawals so in the end the going was realy ruff but in the end of tapering my final withdrawal was nothing like I imagined it to be...it was not comfortable but it was no worst then tapering down below 5 ml..I guess I just got use to being in a constant state of withdrawal ...so my final withdrawal lasted about 7 days and today im finly free of methadone...its been 85 days today as I write this...god there is so much more to this then what I have writen hear but this gives you a basic idea of what active addiction was like for me.....and in the end it is SO SO WORTH IT....good luck to any one reading this who might be trying the same thing ...message me if I can be of any help or you need more details....Gnarly                            

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Avatar universal
by kc156, Jan 23, 2010
I bet there is so much more!but you sure seem to have made it.             kc

Avatar universal
by pharma9, Jan 23, 2010
Thanks for sharing your story.There is always hope and one can do anything with determination and resolve.Congrats on your clean time and keep it up.

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by JSweets26, May 21, 2010
Thank you for sharing your success story. The more of them I'm able to read the more hope it gives me to living my own clean and sober life.

Avatar universal
by missa923, Jan 07, 2011
I just want you to know your a very strong person. You did such an amazing job getting yourself clean. Your an inspiration to all. Your story gives me hope. I have been on pills for 3 years off an on. I had some dental work done one procedure right after the other and started taking vicodin for the pain. I also had braces and my doc gave me vicodin for the pain also. I didn't think anything about it. I just took one when it hurt. I also have insomnia and it helped me sleep so I would take it to sleep to. I also had a 2 year old who I was always stressed out something was going to happen to her (long story) My mom died when I was 17 and I have never got over it, I thought by having a daughter and getting that bond back it would finally fill up that empty place in my heart, well it did untill she was a month old and I had given her some cereal in her milk and layed her down and she puked it through her nose and couldn't breath becasue she couldn't clear it out, for the next 15 mins I frantically tried to help my daughter clear the puke out while watching her turn blue. By the time the ambulance got there she cleared it and was fine, a little shaky but ok. At that moment everything changed, I relized God could take her to just like my mom and from that day on I thought she was going to die.(I was obsessed about it) so when I would take a pill it made the worry go away. Before I knew it I was taking vicodin, hydrocodone cough medicine, all kinds, all the time. I carried it everywhere. Didn't even think I was addicted untill I went to the pharmacy and she said she wouldn't refill my script because I just got a bottle of tussinex from another pharmacy. I remember going home that night thinking OH ****, I am in trouble. I didn't know how much but I knew it was not good. I went home and started reading up on it and woke up the next morning shaking. I confessed to my husband and took my daughter to school. He was pissed and not understanding at all. I had to go through withdrawal and take care of my kids (also have a 17 year old) without help or support. I got clean and stayed that way for almost 5 months and then I took half of one for a migrain and then it's been on and off since then. I really want to stay clean for good this time. I have done better this last year and 3 or 4 times I made it 21 - 30 days then relapse. Thats why I think I need aftercare. My husband doesn't want me to becasue he is afraid I will run into someone we know there and then they would know about me. Makes it really hard because I am not as strong minded as he is and hurts he can not understand I need help. He thinks I have been clean since feb 2010 but I haven't. I don't do excessive amounts usually up to 40 or 50 mg max and never over 6 days or I have withdrawals. I will do it for a couple days and stop for a week and so on. All I have learned is to controll it better and hide it better. I feel so guilty becasue I am lying to my whole family. I am dying inside and want out but don't know how to ask for help. This is harder than anything I have had to do. I was was addicted to meth and would shoot up several times a day when I was 19-21 and was able to quit and stay sober for 13 years. I did go into a inpatient hospital, mainly because I had a nervous breakdown but they helped me with my drug problem. Thats why I know I need meetings. I have even thought about going behind his back but again scared I might run into someone and then him find out. I once found a place online that did onine meetings but can not find the site again. I know I am rambling on but feel as if I have no one to talk to who understands. I hate myself for who I have become. If you saw me on the street you would never know I have a drug problem. I have been addicted to meth, coke, xanex and have done everything. I know my life will be som much more fulfilling once I am clean just need help getting there. Anyways Thanks for letting me tell my story and Thanks for being an inspiration.

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by Methsuxbad, Jul 18, 2011
Have read over this site for days...im 5 days in detoxing off methadone...was at 70mg for most of 2 years tapered down pretty slow over the past 6 or so months..think today is the worst so far. I cant sleep or eat Im in Hell...anything you can say that may help will be much appreciated..thanks

Avatar universal
by forgottensick, Apr 02, 2012
Wow, what a story. I can relate to much. I was hurt in 1985 at the age of 25. That is when my pain pill saga started. Methadone is also the only thing that cuts my pain but I haven`t needed anymore than what I started with. For 6 years Ive been at 40mg and I`ve even taken less when I didn`t need it. Everybody is different though. I never would have thought doctors could be so un compassionate and careless. I`ve seen about 40 doctors since 1985 and they have all been the same. Drain the system and your bank account then leave you hanging.

Avatar universal
by hopeful116, Sep 19, 2012
WELL DONE!!!! i wrote to you, its wendy (hopeful116) and in 2 days i'm going to 45ml and not that long ago i was on 105ml and after reading your story give me so much hope that i can do it, THANK YOU!! take care wendy.

Avatar universal
by bushes420, Jul 21, 2013
I've been coming to the forum for a cpl weeks trying to get ideas and help coming off of m'done.  your posts have been extremely helpful, knowledgeable & I just wanted to say THANK YOU!

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by Ldytaz, Mar 31, 2014
I have finally found my way here and now understand how u r so well informed and such an inspiration to us all..wow, some of it was like u were writing from my book.I am so glad I found my way here to everyone, u and this community.U r a God send..Thank U

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