My parents hate each other and can't have a nice discussion. It's just not possible. Everything ends accusingly and bad. I don't want to get into it, but it's everywhere I go, in everything I do. I love them both and I hate this.
I got in a kindof argument with Steve. I would feel great to say I believe in love, and I do. But I don't believe in a perfect relationship, or any kind. And that would be boring. I wouldn't want it any other way. I just feel like every relationship around me is crumbling and people are upset and I can't do anything to help. I can't do anything to hold their head. All I have is words and nothing else. Maybe I'm missing something important. Steve was sleeping and I woke him because he needed to head home- but I'm slow to get to my car. And it upsets him. Just irks him that I feel the need to circle my house a few times, look for several sweatshirts, find matching gloves, find suitable shows, locate my license, and then struggle with the keys at the door, back out slowly, pause to turn on my lights. It just frustrates him. Not a big deal, but I just get so anxious driving I feel a need to put it off as long as I can. Even if I made an effort to speed up, it prolly wouldn't work. It hasn't even been icy. That thought doesn't stop my heart from aching and my head from pounding and my ears from hearing tiny minuscule sounds that aren't really there. It's past now though.
I'm gonna learn everything I can about this gecko. I really am. I feel the need to know everything in my reach and to be prepared. When someone asks, I won't look at them blankly. When something happens, I won't be left in the dust. I'll protect her. Everytime I look at the cage Tator has rearranged himself.
My internet explorer seems to have been keylogged or something equally odd and has deleted. The explorer is down and the icon was gone. I finally found it on my startup screen though. Strangely enough, Firefox had installed itself and had a shiny new icon present. I'm appalled. I don't like it. It's already pissing me off because it keeps underlining everything in red. I meant to spell it that way. Obviously. But way to make me feel like a numbnut =P.
In less than 12 hours, I will advance a year. In less than an hour and a half, it will be my birthday on the calender. I've been excited for days, well, working myself up to excited. I'm trying. But the less time, the more scared I get. I'm actually getting chest pain again thinking about it. But that's not unusual lately. I don't know.
I've been annoying today, and so tired. I had a headache this morning, and I felt nauseous. Again, not odd. It's probably because I eat too late before my meds. I just want to sleep. It's not even a mm I'm sleepy kind of tired. It's a wow my head is so heavy..I'll slump over a little. Well now my lungs aren't filling up, and I'm yawning. Then my eyes close for a few seconds. And then I'm asleep. It takes mere seconds and I realize I can't see. That I'm dead asleep. Sitting up, mouth hanging open, still facing the board. I feel bad andd I'm not getting my work done.
I failed a test today, and I have a simulation tomarrow. Shoot me now and save me the suffering. I thought I was just going to lay down and cry today when she handed the test out. And then didn't I feel ridiculous. Why does it matter so much?
I have an assload of notes to fill in in science.
I'm dead lucky I don't have to do my studyguide in History, because it's 11 pages long and I haven't even looked at it and it would be due tomorrow.
In Culinary I can't understand the math we need to know and Chef is frustrated and I just can't bring myself to ask for help. I would be so annoying and I'm not paying enough attention because I can't keep my eyes open. Even if I get more sleep. It doesn't happen. I'm so tired.
Steve brought me pie today and it was yummy. Pudding and crust. Some of my favorite things. I promise I am trying to look at the positives. I only talk about the positives. I told everyone today "I love pie. I got a gecko. It's my birthday." All the little things I need to remember matter. If it makes me happy, it matters.
My mom got a call today from Fran, trying to get me into indiv. I thought maybe Shei had said something but that doesn't sound right of course, if you look at it like "traitor". But if you look at it by way of I actually scared her. I scare myself to the point that it had actually crossed my mind to sign myself into indiv. ON MY OWN, well, maybe she should have said something. Maybe I am losing it. Maybe I am pushing this just a bit too far. It's ok though. It's ok.