May 02, 2015
Here we are again. Going on a year later, and facing the same demon of addiction infested in another. The man I love or once loved? I don't even know what it is anymore. I can't help others. I see him. I see the person I fell in love with shutter through and I can't help but pray he's actually in there. That he shines through and for once picks me instead of another dealer or drug. He is so good and can be but doesn't choose to be. I feel like I'm constantly on watch and I'm in a dying relationship. He thinks it's me that's different and hey, maybe it is. But it isn't because of some event , it's because of what happened when we were together. I feel a sense of hope and I wish it was promising. Can your faith and hope lead you to failure ? I've never failed. I've never given up. And I don't want one of the first failures to be someone I care about so deeply that it hurts. Literally hurts. I feel like I'm on the same merry-go-round and I'm suffering from severe motion sickness.