All Journal Entries Journals

A horrible year in a nutshell.

May 13, 2015 - 6 comments

This has been the longest and worst year of my existence I believe.  We've had so many things happen, so many losses and I don't understand how I have yet to break.

In March of 2014 we had to say goodbye to our furbaby of 13 years.  The diagnosis was out of my control, we tried to treat him the best we could, keep him comfortable until it was time.  I've said it many of times, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do..EVER and I still cry to this day for my sweet boy.
Fast forward a couple of months and we found out Brian's sister n law had pancreatic cancer and by September we lost her.  Brian's brother passed away 3 years earlier and together they left behind 2 sons.  

On October 14th, I got the worst call of my life.  My brothers girlfriend committed suicide.  A death I pray I never and no on ever has to go through.  No control, no saying goodbye, no we love you, no I'm sorry, no saying anything and it's to late.  I still cry to this day for Hannah.  I never want to receive a phone call like that ever again.   (I can't talk much about this or my sweet boy because this huge lump comes up in my throat.. I can't breathe and I can't see for crying.  I don't know how I'll ever get over/past these 2 tragic things).  On that same day we got the tragic news that Brian's other brother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  

In that same month of October we lost another family member(kinda). My cousins husband passed away with cancer.  My cousin passed away 5 years earlier and together they left behind 3 YOUNG kids.  Oldest is 17, middle is 15 and youngest is 13.  

Then there's January of 2015.  My brothers garage burnt.  Thank god he was home as he had a pen attached to it with 5 puppies inside. He couldn't get them out through the door so he had to jerk the fence up from the ground so they could crawl out from under.  Two of them were okay, 1 was a little burnt and the 2 others were very burnt.  The thing about dogs and burns is you don't know how bad it is until the next day.  It took me 3 months to nurse these little guys back to health.  So many vet visits, so many antibiotics and caring.  I was going to keep the 2 really burnt ones myself.  I can't stand the thought of no one wanting to give them a home because of their scarring.  The 2 that were okay found loving homes and long story short, I wound up with 3 of them. lol.  I wouldn't change it for anything but there was so much worry during these 3 months of " will they make it?".  So much stress.. but thank God they did.  They are now 45 lb puppies lol.  Their about 7 months old now.  

Then about in April my dad had to go for a physical for his CDL license and during his exam they told him his PSA numbers were elevated.  He was referred to a urologists and they went up from 4.2 to 4.6 between visits.  SO as of today we're waiting on results for his biopsy to rule out cancer.  I just don't know what I'll do if it comes back bad.  I don't know how I'm going to deal with that.  Will THAT be my breaking point?  I have prayed so much that his rise in number will be because of his reoccurring kidney stones or something like that.  Inflammation or anything other than cancer.   We're also waiting on MRI results on my moms brain because she's having so many dizzy spells.

Last month, in April Brian's brother finally lost his battle with lung cancer.  He grew to weak, he couldn't eat and therefore they couldn't continue treatment.  It was fast spreading and they couldn't get it under control.  It went from his lungs, to his adrenal glands, to his brain, then his colon and stomach.  I think in his heart he knew there was no hope and in turn, he decided to just let go.  We said goodbye on  April 26th.

This past weekend my sister told me she's going to start trying to get pregnant.  I'm SO happy for her and yet I feel so sad.  I love my sister so much. She's actually like the baby I never had.  Mom had her when I was 14 years old so I guess in a sense, she was the baby I might not ever have of my own.  Anyways, I pray this happens naturally for her.  I pray she doesn't have to experience the heartache of it not happening, nor miscarriage or anything like that.  I'd hate for her to have to go through something like that and it'd just kill me even more.

So there's my year so far in a nutshell.  One that I hope and pray I can get past. I'll never forget my sweet Boogie, nor losing Hannah in such a horrific manner but I hope to be able to deal with it better.  I pray for the results of my dads Biopsy and my moms MRI.  I'm so ready for all the bad to be in the past and something good to start happening.  

This sweet girl right here helps me get through the days.

Post a Comment
2066718 tn?1431143569
by TTC2006, May 13, 2015
Sending big hugs your way.  My mother in law has a favorite saying right now that I think fits you.  Tough times never last, but tough people do.  Hang in there, your rainbow will find you one day.

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, May 14, 2015
Thank you so much TTC. That's so true and thank you for sharing.  I think it fit's also.  

Avatar universal
by Belle313, May 14, 2015
I'm so sorry Des.  If I remember correctly, B was injured during most of this which couldn't be easy either.  I wish there were were something I could do to take some of the load off you.  I think once awful things stop happening you will have a chance to grieve and eventually replace the sad memories with happy ones. I hope your dad's biopsy is ok & Kim's MRI is too. As always, you all are in my prayers.

Avatar universal
by Belle313, May 14, 2015
The last line should of said your mom's (NOT Kim's)

1580318 tn?1550254481
by Shannon79, May 14, 2015
You've been through so much in a short amount of time.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? I know it may not be the ideal thing to do. But after everything you've been through, it might not hurt. At the very least they could give you some coping mechanisms.

I'm sending your prayers of healing and strength

790669 tn?1465189099
by Des_a_rae, May 14, 2015
Oh my gosh Ellen, I have no idea how I even forgot that.  Yes Brian had surgery in April and was out of work until this January.  I thought I had it all out there.  So rough of a year and I think you're right, once we get past this part..  I hope to be able to grieve properly and learn how to get past everything.  I break down constantly here and there.  I can't help it.   I'm ready to breathe again.. I want to hear good news and see good things happening.  Thank you so much!!  

Yes I have Shannon.  I've thought of it so many times and for some reason I never go through with it.  I'm not bragging but I consider myself to be pretty tough.  I went through being molested for years to finally opening up about that and dealing with that on my own.  Maybe I'm thinking I can do the same here?  I dunno..  Thank you so much also.  

Post a Comment