Jan 18, 2010
Have been MIA for a couple months here...mainly because I felt like a hippocrite. I was taking about being clean and sober, and about being committed to ending my alcohol use, when deep down I wasn't. I was still really unsure the answers to the big questions:
Am I REALLY an alcoholic?
Do I REALLY need to quit?
Can I REALLY do it?
After stumbling several times last fall over the answers to those questions, I left this forum. Not officially, but defnitely in my mind. I felt guilty for being here when I hadn't truly committed to getting and staying sober. I felt like an idiot posting "I'm doing it...stopping drinking for good!" one day, and posting that I gave in and drank just that next day. I promised myself (right or wrong) that I would not come back here to this forum without a deep down committment.
So, yes, I REALLY am an alcoholic and yes, I REALLY need to quit and yes, I REALLY can do it. My last drink was New Years Day.
Couple things different this time....told my husband (who still drinks) that I was really serious this time and that if he does anything to try to sabotage my efforts, I will get up and leave (hardest thing I have ever said). While I have said similar things to him in the past, they were during heated discussions. This was during a time where I asked him to sit and talk with me. We were both quiet and calm. And that sentence was preceded with how much I love him, but..
Really starting my way through the twelve steps. While I haven't actually been to a meeting yet, I have the Big Book, and "The Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps" that I am reading. I also have the location of a twelve step meeting that sounds right for me plugged into my GPS. It meets on Wednesdays, and I am going to go day after tomorrow. While this forum is a wonderful help, I think I need that physical meeting...and maybe even a sponsor. I think I'll feel more accountable to someone I can see and touch (no offense to my wonderful support system here!!!)
Anyway, I am starting to feel truly positive and hopeful that I CAN do this. Don't get me wrong. I have no fantasies about this being easy. It has been hard and I have had several temptations ...a nice dinner out and thinking...would 1 glass of red wine really matter. (YES... you nincompoop!) But I feel...well, hard to put in to words...genuine? Real? Like the true "me" is living my life now. Does that make any sense to anyone? While it is liberating in many ways..also scary as h*** in others...when I do something wrong or stupid, I can only blame myself, not the alcohol. And when I want to take a chance or try something new, I have to do it without anything to blunt my fears or worries.
For a year and a half of my life, percocets and oxycodones were my tool. I used them to erase bad feelings and dampen fears and difficult emotions. I thought I was hot S*** when I was able to stop using them. But gradually, insiduously, the alcohol crept in and (in hindsight now), I see how it had become just as much of a crutch as the oxycodone had. I never bought into "NO MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCES" that I now know is essential to long term sobriety. I do now. The oxycodone and alcohol are symptoms of my disease. Not the disease itself. I finally get that now and understand that I will only stay clean if I get to the bottom of this...figure out ways to deal with my emotions, my baggage and my stress. Otherwise, I'll just keep finding something new.